Lately things have been very difficult at home. My H has been saying he wants things to work, but he actions are not showing it at all. He has become more distant than before. I feel like I am starting to go crazy. I have been trying for months to make this work and its only 1- sided. I can't continue like this bi have told him what I need over and over and all he says to me is "well this is how I have felt for years". I know I have made mistakes and have apologized over and over again but he's not ready to accept it.
I know many people are not going to agree with me on what happened tonight, but I felt I have no other option. For the last few weeks I have been thinking that its probably not best for my h to move into the house with me because things are only getting worse in my eyes not better. Well this has been an awful weekend filled with hurt And today on our way to retro I told him how I was feeling and that unless he starts making an effort in this relationship he can't move in. At first he was angry and then agreed that he really does need to be alone and clear his head. He told me that he is feeling very depressed. He told me that he was only here for the kids anyways. This makes sense to me because he actions never matched his words.
Lately I have been asking h to show me love in the way I need love, when he told me that he wanted the m to workout, however he feels my way is ridiculous. For those of you who read the book - 5 love languages - my primary love is gift giving. I have never received a gift from my h unless I told him to get me one. I have never received flowers or a card from him and this has definitely left me feeling neglected. He doesn't feel that he can show me this kind of love since its not part of him. This made be livid. How could someone who claims they want their m to work not want to show them the love they need because they feel its ridiculous.
The night ended in many tears and him claiming he will look for a place to move out and we will set up a sep agreement.
H:37 W:37 M:10 years D:7&5 Bomb:9/7/12. H moves out H moved back 12/23/12-not going well Retrouvaille 1/18 H moving out again 3/14
When what you're doing isn't working you need to try something different. That's what you're doing. Hang in there. You're also being true to you. I respect that you're not willing to sell your soul for a half-hearted reconciliation.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Sometimes I feel that I am expecting too much out if him. He's hurt and I know this. Maybe I am trivializing how hurt he is. Is this the right thing to do? I feel that this could make things better, however I am so worried about the girls. Last time he left they cried every night for 3 mths. I can't see them go through this again, however I can't live like this anymore either.
H:37 W:37 M:10 years D:7&5 Bomb:9/7/12. H moves out H moved back 12/23/12-not going well Retrouvaille 1/18 H moving out again 3/14
Also how do you deal with someone who has depression, knows they have it, but feels they can resolve the issue themselves. He feels he can tackle any issue without intervention including the marriage. He feels that he will wake up one day and it will be all good.
H:37 W:37 M:10 years D:7&5 Bomb:9/7/12. H moves out H moved back 12/23/12-not going well Retrouvaille 1/18 H moving out again 3/14
I've been thinking about your situation since yesterday. My wife and I had a Sex Starved Marriage. I used that as an excuse to have an affair (which there is no excuse for)
In working toward healing our marriage, I found that my apologies simply rang hollow until our coach led me through an empathy building exercise. Afterward I've been able to really and honestly express my sorrow by envisioning and "experiencing" her pain.
I've also noticed that its hard for the Low Desire person to really understand what a sex life means to the High Desire person and "what the big deal is". No accusation...its just not part of who they are.
To that end I thought I might share what it felt like to me.....
This isn't to make you feel GUILT! Put that away. Its wrong to tell you to feel guilty if you couldn't understand what you were doing. Its only to give you some potential insight into what he may be feeling and help you build some empathy.
And of course it takes two to tango. He damaged the marriage too, he inflicted wounds too. "Starved Marriages" are filled with black mail and quid, pro, quo.....If you do this, I'll do that....if you withhold that, I'll withold hold this.
So, deal? No guilt...only insight. OK?
When you are the spouse from sexual intimacy is with held it honestly feels like you are the leave behind spouse.
You feel like your wife has walked out of the marriage. Oh yes she's there and she's giving you comfort and presence.....but remember of all the facets of the marriage relationship only one, sexual intimacy, is held to be exclusive to the married couple. I can get friendship, communication, support, love from outside, but only inside the marriage can we have a sanctioned sexual relationship. So without an intimate sexual relationship she may as well have walked out the door.
In someways it feels worse, because she's walked away from and still expects you to remain faithful.
After a time you start to think of your spouse as your prison keeper.
As a matter of fact you start to see them as a sadistic jailer....if you only do this, I'll have sex with you...oh I meant do that, and I'll have sex. Oh I'm not happy with how you are behaving today, you don't deserve sex. Or ohhh I'm bad for not giving you sex, I'll change...oh not really, not until you do this or that.
Can you see the incredible resentment that builds up? To feel like someone is controlling and manipulating you like that...much less someone who says they love you?
After a while you feel like you just have no choice....give in and be a prisoner or break free and run away.
You may not be able to internalize just how vital a passionate sexual relationship is to your husband. I get that. Just trust me, the feeling of being trapped, unfulfilled, left behind is real.
Yes, I'm sure he has done his fair share of damage and did not create an atmosphere that allows intimacy. However, if each side is going to wait for the other to make the first move then the process will never even start. Why you and not him? Well I suppose its because you are here.
Maybe the next step with your H is "I've tried to imagine what your experience has been like, it must have been like _______,________,________. I'm honestly sorry. Tell me more.
Again, no guilt. I'm sure you didn't do this to hurt your husband. It is what it is, we can only move forward.
Thank you. I have over the last couple of months try to understand what he had been going through, but yes it's hard to imagine. I never meant to hurt him.
so my h has decided he will live on his own for at least 2 mths which makes sense however he wants to do a joint custody do every other weekend and tues/we'd night. I can't give up my kids this much. It's too much for me. I don't know what's fair, but it can't be this.
I know this is right, but wow this is a struggle. I feel since this is the second time he's leaving again this must be the end. I don't know where to go from here. Do I start dbing again? Do I just walk away and accept that this is the end.
H:37 W:37 M:10 years D:7&5 Bomb:9/7/12. H moves out H moved back 12/23/12-not going well Retrouvaille 1/18 H moving out again 3/14
Please pray for me as we are going to be telling our children this weekend that daddy will not be moving to the new house. I want to ensure they are aware if this in advance as last time he just left and they were devastated.
I can't stop crying thinking about devastated they will be. I just wish this didnt need to happen. I wish we could work this out without this separation. I feel that this is a conversation that they will never forget. I never want to hurt them and this is the worst hurt they can experience right now.
H:37 W:37 M:10 years D:7&5 Bomb:9/7/12. H moves out H moved back 12/23/12-not going well Retrouvaille 1/18 H moving out again 3/14
I am just so angry that I need to go through this Again. I just can't believe that 6 mths has gone by since he left and now we are back to square one again.
H:37 W:37 M:10 years D:7&5 Bomb:9/7/12. H moves out H moved back 12/23/12-not going well Retrouvaille 1/18 H moving out again 3/14
I am so sorry you have to go through this. I am praying for ALL of you as I am typing this.
All of the emotions you are carrying anger, hurt, fear, sadness are all true and valid emotions at this time. I encourage you to give them to your pillow and your support group. Then you have to face the world without those emotions.
Yes continue to DB! Because DB'ing is really about YOU! Its preparing you for the way forward WITH or WITHOUT your spouse.
I'm sure you realize that you cannot stay the same! Whether its in a relationship with your H or in other relationships you have to create a new you.
learn Detachment. (try Mindfulness Meditation, Wherever you go there you are by Jon Kabat-Zinn)
GAL-in particular I recommend joining a yoga, work out or running group that meets regularly. The group aspect builds cameraderie, the physicality builds confidence and the endorphines are a natural anti-depressant.
Go to IC- Learn about who you are, to build the good, to minimize the not so good,Learn effective communication tools.
Take care of AM2012, don't worry so much about H. You are trying to build such an awesome AM2012 that your H gets swept along with your progress. Or maybe to be ready when another relationship comes along.
And yes your kids will never ever forget the conversation. Your goal now is to create an atmosphere that when your kids look back on it they say "that was a shitty time in my life, but my Mom AND Dad handled it so well that I grew as a person from it"
