Time to start the hard road of focusing on me and not W. (did I say HARD??)
At 7:30PM you said
Originally Posted By: jp787
W wants to open her own checking account, this makes me think she is thinking about divorce more.
What changed during those 9 hours. You have to stop worrying about her. It's a waste of energy. She will do what she wants for God only knows the reason why. The only thing you should be worried about is you. What are YOU working on right now? What are YOUR goals for changing YOU?
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
I asked why and that it scared me. Then if she would open one that was linked to our main account, all hers but no cost and easy transferability, she said no she wanted her own, not tied to ours. I said it would cost and she said she would look at her options. i finally thought I am pushing her away with what i was saying so i switched gears and said do whatever you need, no problem. I said i would try my hardest to get her money and she had the right to do w/e she wanted. Problem is we dont have any extra money, she left me with doing all the financial part and she makes more money than I do, so she thinks she should get spending money, which I totally agree, but it just isnt there.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
jp 787...I have also been thinking of money sitch...H works I have been staying at home...it is all his money really and I know he must now have a credit card going because there are no hotels bills and other items being posted to our account....also so want to ask about while there is no work pay stubs in the mail he brought to the house and why I can't find one in the house after Sept., So trying to hold back from asking anything...reminding myself it does not really matter in the long run...
Also in IC and this week having the discussion to only spend 1/2 session on marriage 1/2 on me! Feeling like I could talk for hours on the marriage and never really work on the concerns that got me to this point...we will see how Thursday goes...
So hard to read that you are thinking of throwing in the towel already but realize our sitch is different...keep your head up and goals in line is what is helping me...
Added another 180 to the list to do H's to do list around the house, show him I did not and do not need him for it...helping me to feel more independent too...H's to do list was a big stress in our marriage because nothing was even done because he worked so many hours and was away from the home.
keep head up...keep focused...hope some of what I said might help
What changed during those 9 hours. You have to stop worrying about her. It's a waste of energy. She will do what she wants for God only knows the reason why. The only thing you should be worried about is you. What are YOU working on right now? What are YOUR goals for changing YOU?
she texted me saying she wanted her own checking account, I just automatically think the worst. I am having a really difficult time not focusing on her, idk how to do it. It is like telling myself not to breathe.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
So I understand that DB is counter intuitive, but I still worry that leaving my W alone will just allow her to get used to me not being around and she will get used to that and like it. She texted my daughter a while back saying: "I miss him, but not really, what does that mean" I really hate when she does that to our D, yet she isn't missing me, really. If I back off more wont that make her just forget about me, feel relief and want to be on her own or with someone else more?
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
So I understand that DB is counter intuitive, but I still worry that leaving my W alone will just allow her to get used to me not being around and she will get used to that and like it. She texted my daughter a while back saying: "I miss him, but not really, what does that mean" I really hate when she does that to our D, yet she isn't missing me, really. If I back off more wont that make her just forget about me, feel relief and want to be on her own or with someone else more?
I get it. I feels SOOOOO wrong. That's why you need to "act as if" as well as pull back. You want all their interactions with us to be a positive experience. Human nature wants what they can't have. It's sad, but true. I've come along way in this, but I can do a better job of pulling back. It feels so wrong!! But, how has doing what we've been doing been working?
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Another thing that blows my mind is just last summer my W was trying to connect with me, trying to save our marriage. She send me a letter with her wants and needs, we went to marriage counseling. I only decide to open my stupid eyes when she says divorce. God this is all my fault and it [censored] so bad. If.. If only...
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
So for all those who have not read all my stuff, I was an emotionally abusive husband for years. I also checked out emotionally and physically. I had a bad temper and threw things, yelled and screamed. I never hit W or drank or cheated, well I guess I did with all the online porn, ugh. always held a job. So I have been so awful over the years, I guess I am asking if I should even fight for my marriage. I do love her and am starting serious therapy to change, I'm sure it will take me many years. Do I have hope with how horrible I was to her?
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I guess I am asking if I should even fight for my marriage.
Do you feel like you should fight for your marriage? If yes, then you should. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
You know your situation the best. Based on all your traffic on this website I think you want to fight for your marriage.
Also, you are analyzing a lot of little things like wife's separate checking account. I wouldn't spend a lot of time on that. Spend that time on you instead.
She texted my daughter a while back saying: "I miss him, but not really, what does that mean" I really hate when she does that to our D, yet she isn't missing me, really. If I back off more wont that make her just forget about me, feel relief and want to be on her own or with someone else more?
Two things regarding text to daughter. Your wife is crossing the line putting your daughter in the middle. I would have a calm, assertive discussion about that with W. Second, stop reading into statements by your wife. Don't believe everything she says.
Regarding backing off and wife forgetting about you, your W wanted S and with that you backing off. If you can be calm and give her space this could help earn trust back. If you are earning her trust she won't forget about you.
jp, you need to calm yourself. I'm in the same boat with my W out of the house and I prefer to think of it as us getting time apart to grow and figure things out. With no guarantees for what will happen with us. I have low expectations.
