Hmmm, so I've been lurking around here for months. To finally reaching a point where I have to ask for help. I've kept a lot to myself, and my friends I have probably heard enough about my situation. I currently and living 100s of miles away from home So here it goes: He and I had a world wind romance. I meet him 2008, and we were married in 2010. We were the best of friends, and madly in love. About 6mos, after we got married, H got a new job, and we moved across the country (away from my family and our friends). His family lives in the UK Honestly, that's where the problems began...he left me for 2mos and moved here, while I settled our finances at home. He has one friend who lives here, and was also recently married. Fully believe that my H is in a full blown MLC. Almost two summers ago (2011) he had severe migraine (we never got a 2nd diagnosis). Which caused stroke like symptoms for almost 2 days, he lost his motor skills. It was the scariest of time...out son(step) was also here. Once H was released from the hospital, in retrospect he was different. At the time, I couldn't put my finger on it. However, things were different (it's also a reference point for H) Fast forward to the holidays, we had a major fight, and couldn't seem to recover from it. I felt like H was not available for me, and it made me desperate and angry, which of course led to more fighting. Started to feel as if, he wanted to spend more time with his friend than me. Which of course led to more arguments. I think you probably get the idea
Over the spring, he started staying out all night, drinking excessively, and also smoking. H started to grow his hair out, because he was taking inventory of if he was growing any bald spots! I was so bewildered by his behavior, and was confused as to where my loving husband went to Summer happens, and step son arrives. I was hoping that this would be a stabilizing force, but it wasn't. H would get the little one, ready for bed, and then head out for the evening. Wouldn't see him until the next morning, where he would show up for breakfast (and pretend like everything was normal). Everything hit the fan, when my circle of friends found out that H's friend was cheating on his wife. We all shocked, esp my husband! He gave his friend the harshest conversations! He was so angry, with him. This should have been a sign for me. A few days later, H told me that he want a separation to sort out his feelings (via text message) He was growing increasingly angry, lots of outbursts, lots yelling. In general, just escalating. After educating myself, I guess this must have been the Anger stage. Eventually, H got his way, and I left to stay at a friend's house. I was gone for exactly 1 week, and the whole time he has said that he just needed some time. I discovered during my week away that H was having long ext conversations, I did some PI work and also found some inappropriate email exchanges. A little research, and found out her name, she worked with him. Surprise. I found enough, and decided I also had enough and decided to go back home. Walked back into our place, and there was wine glasses, shower with hair in the drain, and overnight bag(w/ magazine with her name on it).
I confronted H, and of course he denied it. Said that they were friends, and more than few people were staying there. H also said that he felt free, as if a weight had been lifted, and he wasn't going back to the other way. He started saying that he didn't love me any more, and that he just wanted out. Escalated fights again, and for my mental health. I left in October. I have been working on myself, volunteering at a school, and I just got a new job. Practicing DB, and GAL
Nov, we had little or no contact, only conversation about financial matters
In Dec, he sent me some crazy text messages (just spewing hateful things).
Jan, he wanted to sit down and talk. Turns out, that he wanted to start planning our D. I said that I wanted to work on our marriage. He was surprised, and repeated what he said before(he wants to be free, doesn't love me anymore) etc. he was like let's talk again in 30 days
Feb, our conversations have gotten much better. No more angry spewing. A few weeks ago, he told that was laid off from his job. We just sat down tonight. Which is probably, why I up at 5am. H said again, that he wants a divorce, and tried to get me to sign papers over coffee. I told him no, that I didn't agree with this. I didn't think we were handling this properly, and I was standing for our marriage. He laughed and told me good luck, and that he was happy now. He said that he was on a journey to discovering himself, and that time was running out for him to be happy. H doesn't want to spend anymore time being unhappy or sad. He looks like hell, and wreaked of tobacco. His eyes were bloodshot I think the writing is on the wall, but I was hoping that someone could help me. I am really struggling. He told me that he was going to file soon. This is H's 2nd marriage, and I think he filed the 1rst time too. I'm sure that it's MLC. Any support, or just advice would be amazing! What should I do? Please help
M 32 H 35 M 3/ SS 8yrs BD 7/5/12 S 10/1/12 H wants Divorce 1/13 It's official served 5/13
I am sorry to hear you are going through this. All of the stages of him pulling away and of you discovering the PA must have been really difficult. I am new to the forum but I wanted to offer my two cents based on the themes others have emphasized on this board.
Your H has been sending you pretty consistent messages for a while now. There don't seem to be many cracks in the veneer that suggest a lot of room for interpretation or mixed messages.
If I were you, I'd decide how much longer you are willing to live in the current situation (waiting for him to come around). You have plenty of choices, even if he files. You will make it through this no matter what happens.
Thank you, for your response, sorry the post was so long! It has been absolutely heart breaking, especially living a good distance from my friends and family. I'm surprised to learn how strong i actually am. Just feeling such a loss, because before this he was my best friend (so it's almost like a double loss). Sad to watch the one you love, heading in such a downward spiral. Coming to terms with the fact, that I cannot stop him from filing is the hard part. However, I've decided that I am not going to help him at all in the process
M 32 H 35 M 3/ SS 8yrs BD 7/5/12 S 10/1/12 H wants Divorce 1/13 It's official served 5/13
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
So I have just found out that H, was actually fired! He was not laid off, as he led me to believe. I had a conversation with some people that used work with him, and they all just seem to think that H was lazy? She even commented, that there definitely seems to be a pattern emerging. She said herself, that when things (life/work) become difficult, he seems to want to put his head in the sand, and wait for it to blow over. He is also blaming one person, for his failures at his job. Definitely, similar to him blaming me for the failure of our marriage.
So fast forward, to a few days after our coffee conversation, where he pulled out divorce papers, and tried to get me to sign. While we were together he asked me for a copy of our marriage certificate, which I refused to give him. I also specifically told him, that I would not help him pursue a divorce. From everything that I have read, he needs to do this on his own?? Two days later, he sent me a text asking if I was sure that I wouldn't mind just hand it over? Like I as going to change my mind?! Sometimes, it feels like I am dealing with pouting child, who isn't getting his way! He called me the next day, and left a vm. I am assuming it's about the same thing, I have not bothered to respond to either.
This morning, he sent me another text asking about our cellphone bill, one of the few bills that WE are responsible for. He told me that he gotten another job, but is asking me to be patient with paying the bill (he's already late). He has a new job, but won't have any funds until the end of the month. Really? I am now suppose to be understanding for him?? Super frustrated, and angry. This is definitely, still replay, right? I know that he is still spending time with the OW.
I feel as if, I am in a holding pattern. Waiting for him to file, waiting for him to reconcile. Just waiting. I know that I can can end this myself, but I really would like for our marriage to work. I am coming to terms, that a divorce may be coming my way, but I want to feel as if I did everything that I could to mend this.
Sorry, for the vent, but my friends, are starting to grow tired of the same story from me, but I cannot help it...It's my life, and all of this creeps into my thoughts (even when, I am trying my hardest to detach)
M 32 H 35 M 3/ SS 8yrs BD 7/5/12 S 10/1/12 H wants Divorce 1/13 It's official served 5/13
Forgot to add, during early jan he kept trying to meet up for tax paper work that he had. Files off of the hard drive, and random tools, pictures etc. I finally let him come over to my new place, and he fell asleep on the floor? He told me that he would have to come back another time to finish copying the files. He has not asked to come back for the files.
The last time I saw H(late Feb), he commented on the fact that I was not wearing my wedding ring. Also,tried to find out if I was dating/sleeping with anyone. So strange. Then he asks for a divorce, and threatens to serve me at my job
M 32 H 35 M 3/ SS 8yrs BD 7/5/12 S 10/1/12 H wants Divorce 1/13 It's official served 5/13
So it's been a month (since our last sit down). I haven't heard from him, but I haven't been served divorce papers, either. Tiny victory? I was reading this article, about Will Smith and his wife, Jada. There are always rumors floating around about them having an open marriage. She says they do not, but Will is allowed to do whatever he likes, as long as he can face himself in the mirror. I wonder if my H, can face himself. I doubt it
Also, heard thru the party line, interesting info regarding H. Apparently, he and OW got into a screaming match at work. Well, he no longer has the job, but she still works there. They had a huge argument over the phone, and it was very vocal. Guess, there is a little bit of trouble in paradise. Secretly very satisfying to hear.
M 32 H 35 M 3/ SS 8yrs BD 7/5/12 S 10/1/12 H wants Divorce 1/13 It's official served 5/13
So hopefully you read my previous threads. Just needing to vent, hopefully, someone will have some insight for me. I was just on fb, I haven't been in months. Bad idea, right. H has no defriended me! No suprise really, but the huge suprise came when SHE as in OW came up on my page as a suggested friend. In her profile picture, she has a picture of her and my H. Really? Also, saw the mutual friends (and they are his brother, and really close girl friend). Both former friends of mine, who were both in our wedding party. When does it stop?
M 32 H 35 M 3/ SS 8yrs BD 7/5/12 S 10/1/12 H wants Divorce 1/13 It's official served 5/13
Hi l'em, I didn't notice if you'd indicated that you'd picked up and read "Divorce Remedy".
Also, it does sound like your H could be MLC (in crises, at least) and there are a few things that you really do want to pay attention to.
You are likely to keep snooping and watching and hoping... that maybe... you're H will figure his life out quickly. That you might be one of those extremely rare statistics where you are here for a few months to half a year and your H "wakes up" and realizes that he wants to remain M.
That would be grand and I truly wish it could be that way for you.
In the event that it is not, this journey could take at least a few years. You are truly going to drive yourself to a nervous break down if you continue to focus on your H, his work status, the OW, etc.
There is a little caveat with LBS who believe their spouses may be MLC: What if... they AREN'T?
You will often hear vets remind LBS that MLC is a long journey and what the LBS is unlikely to make any difference to speed things up and make things better and save the M.
Even so, the work is still really the same as if the LBS has a WAS. Because the sooner the LBS can recover from the initial shock and pain and begin rebuilding themselves, improving themselves and their life, and truly living a life and being a person that only a fool would leave, the better for the LBS and even if the M is not saved, it will go a long way to ensuring much better relationships or possible M in the future.
And if the LBS has a WAS, chances are it will make for a potentially faster R, if the M can be saved.
For your own well being, focus on you, your GAL, and your 180s and growth are likely to be very beneficial to you, right now.
I do have a copy of divorce remedy, I've read it cover to cover! I have definitely decided that my H is crisis (what sort of crisis). I'm not sure of. The thing is I'm honestly not snooping, but by pure accident. I keep running into things. I logged on to FB for something else, and the OW popped up as a suggested friend. I guess the lesson is stay away from FB. Our circle of friend's is really tight. We were that couple, my friend's were his friend's and vice versa. Waiting at the bus stop to go home, and he pops out a pizza place. I watched him walk down the street. Honestly, I don't obsess over where he is, or what he's doing, or what stage he's in (convinced he's still in replay).I just say a little prayer for him, and try to keep taking it a day at a time. I usually feel better, when I don't know what's happening. When I do find out or see something, it's like a slap to the face. I have almost gotten used to this alternate reality(which is scary). I do believe that if we have a shot at reconciliation, I probably don't need to know everything. So i am learning to accept things, as they are. Which he even said himself, that he has done so much, there is no way that I would forgive him.
Over the past 6 months, I have really worked to put myself in a good mental space, and practice GAL. Just a fake it 'till you make it type of thing. Hopefully, one day it won't be an action to DB, but just happen without a thought.
However, when I put a timeline together. My H really started really acting out in May, so this is really coming up on year for me. Who really knows, when it started for him. I'm growing really weary, how do you get the strength to go on? And why is he so angry with me? You would think, that I was the one that had done all of this
Hope this explains a little better
M 32 H 35 M 3/ SS 8yrs BD 7/5/12 S 10/1/12 H wants Divorce 1/13 It's official served 5/13
