My plan? 1. Talked to my attorney already and i know my options. Adultery in my state is a crime and also bars her from alimony. ***This changes almost EVERYTHING about your strategy and tactics, but it's also very good news. It doesn't change your DB strategy; just your legal-financial strategy. If this is the case, you will want to gather incontrovertible evidence of her adultery and keep it in a safe place. "Snooping" isn't really DBing, so I'd ask your attorney and a good P.I. about this, because it does potentially affect you and your kids' finances for the rest of your lives if things don't work out (and I still think you have a great shot at saving your marriage!);
2. Finances are in good standing. I have a plan to shut off debit, credit and checking before I confront her.
***Excellent.
From that point forward, any grocery or shopping for the kids will be done with cash. H “fun” money comes from H own account.
***I would recommend working up a detailed family budget (if you don't already have one), and totaling up how much your wife needs each week (or each month, or twice a month, or however often you get paid) for basic family needs. Then transfer that amount from your new, you-only account (where your paycheck gets direct-deposited) into the joint family account. If it involves stuff for the kids, you'd be perfectly within your rights to ask for receipts; some do this, some don't (especially if she uses a debit card and you can see the expenses in the online banking anyway). Again, a good FT (family therapist) can help you with this, as could your DB coach;
3. I will consult a DB coach for boundaries ***Excellent. Townsend's book ("Boundaries") is also excellent, and considered a definitive work on the subject.
4. I will consult a DB coach for help with the best path forward with household finances
***See above. This should be discussed with your ATTORNEY (for the legal aspects) and your DB coach (for the DBing ramnifications). Also, I would put whatever arrangement you come up with IN WRITING, and clearly state in there that you will:
a. continue to meet the family's needs, as you always have; and
b. follow this arrangement until some judge tells you otherwise, at which point you will obviously comply but you feel this is fair and appropriate since you aren't willing to pay for her to conduct her affair;
5. I need to make a decision on whether or not I ask her to leave the house. That may be a temporary feel good for me but I believe the best chance for DB is keeping her in the house. Need advice on that.
***Discuss this with your attorney. I'd recommend ASAP that you get an initial (usually free) consultation with a GOOD family law attorney, preferably one that specializes in "men's right" and paternal custody issues. This does NOT mean that you're getting divorced, or that you are even going to FILE for divorce right now . . . you're just trying to better understand your rights, responsibilities, opportunities and potential threats. It's wise. In most jurisdictions, there are "abandonment" issues at play if YOU leave the home, and you also may not legally be able to force HER to.
6. I will propose Retrovaille
***We can talk more about this, but I don't think this is the best time for it. This -- and my thoughts below about transparency -- are best presented when the wayward spouse ASKS back into the marriage. However, if you feel your marriage is in serious crisis and she is willing to go, you may want to consider it if for no other reason than it's "breakthrough" potential. It's that powerful of a weekend.
7. Transparency will be the big issue. It must include cell phone etc. She has been using Word with Friends to sext him.
***You're confusing "transparency" with "boundaries." You're in no position to demand transparency right now, not until SHE says she is willing to end her affair, and asks you what it will take to return to work on the marriage. SHE IS FLEEING FROM YOU right now, Engine, and from your marriage. If you start demanding things, most will backfire.
You SHOULD, however, decide what your short, core list of personal "boundaries of personal integrity" are, and ask for those. In my sitch, it was "no texting or calling OM from inside of our family's home, no calling or texting him in front of our kids from ANYWHERE, no leaving the boys home alone for extended periods of time, unsupervised and unfed, while you go meet with OM, and no squandering of the family's finances on her affair. These are for YOU and YOUR KIDS, not to be controlling of HER. Think "Papabear" and his cubs.
NO-CONTACT and TRANSPARENCY will come later, if and only if she asks you "What will it take?" to return to the marriage to reconcile.
8. The one thing that I have learned is to like who I am and GAL over the past 8 weeks. It feels great. I have already been working on me. ***EXCELLENT. "Rediscovering Engine" will be one of the two or three greatest things to come out of this ordeal. Embrace it!
What am I missing?
***I (and others) will let you know, but this looks like a pretty good list. What you add to it will depend a lot on what your attorney and your DB coach says.
