Starsky, I have a plan in place and that includes fire walling of our finances which I have already done. I will post the full plan or at least as I have it drafted so far and any and all advise is welcome. This is not a race but a marathon and I realize that if there is a chance for repair, it must be done correctly.
Starsky, Good advice..."You need to do this very calmly, and not from a place of spite or punishment, but rather from a place of "Why would I use family finances to help you conduct an affair that could destroy our family?"
25years, Yes, this is out of character for her. We started dating in HS and I have never suspected anything. She has been loyal. However, back in September or October, although I didn’t know it at the time, she developed the classic MLC traits.
I will call a DB coach for help on the boundaries. We used a marriage counselor here that actually placed me with the book Divorce Remedy and coached along those lines as well. She was at a point with my W that there was nothing else she could do. She gave us 4 choices which included reconciliation which the W didn’t want, trial separation, legal separation, or living parallel lives in the same house. She wanted us to come back. My W didn’t want to go back and has decided for herself that she wants a parallel life. Pretty good gig if you can get it. Have weekly sex in your hotel with your trainer, but what you want and party to all hours of the night.
As far as the need for a trainer, she has suffered with sever back pain for almost 7 years. She started working with this trainer and he helped her lose 35 pounds and did so while not only not creating any back pain, but it has gone away all together. Medically, the x-rays don’t lie. She still has disk issues but she feel better now than ever. She says she cares for me and loves me but is not in love with me. We have not had sex in 6 months. She has been sleeping in a separate room for that time blaming her poor sleeping habits. She also said that I have become less affectionate over time. That was probably true but I have changed and she has recognized that but the more I tried to make up for that, the more she pushed back and therefor DR and the 180. That has not worked yet.
She is still at home although when my plan is in place and I confront H, that may change.
I feel that with time, counseling and love, I can overcome the pain of the A. We are human after all. I have never had an A and after being part of this from my end, I would never want to hurt someone like this. I can move past it.
Yes, we had a connection and in fact, I felt we had it up until the time she dropped the B. That said, during counseling, I look back at the last 2 to 3 years and I see where we have grown apart but not to the point of no return. Yes, I deeply love my wife. Otherwise, I would not be committed to heal and move past this.
Yes, and all this makes sense and it is greatly appreciated!
We have a joint checking and savings. My W just opened up a account for herself as she is looking for a job outside the home. Are kids are getting older and she has been working on raising them. Before I knew about the A, I agreed to fund her account that was to be used as "fun" money. The A is changing that or it may.
My plan? 1. Talked to my attorney already and i know my options. Adultery in my state is a crime and also bars her from alimony. 2. Finances are in good standing. I have a plan to shut off debit, credit and checking before I confront her. From that point forward, any grocery or shopping for the kids will be done with cash. H “fun” money comes from H own account. 3. I will consult a DB coach for boundaries 4. I will consult a DB coach for help with the best path forward with household finances 5. I need to make a decision on whether or not I ask her to leave the house. That may be a temporary feel good for me but I believe the best chance for DB is keeping her in the house. Need advice on that. 6. I will propose Retrovaille 7. Transparency will be the big issue. It must include cell phone etc. She has been using Word with Friends to sext him. 8. The one thing that I have learned is to like who I am and GAL over the past 8 weeks. It feels great. I have already been working on me. What am I missing?
Left out an important part of that plan and that is the discussion with my W about A and OM. I am struggling with how best to start that discussion and what I need to include. I know I need to use my brain and not the emotional side of me.
I also need to talk with my kids and let them know that this is not there fault, that Mom is not a bad person, but she has made some bad decisions.
She gave us 4 choices which included reconciliation which the W didn’t want, trial separation, legal separation, or living parallel lives in the same house. She wanted us to come back. My W didn’t want to go back and has decided for herself that she wants a parallel life. Pretty good gig if you can get it. Have weekly sex in your hotel with your trainer, but what you want and party to all hours of the night.
So glad to hear that that won't be one of the options that's OK with YOU then, Engine.
The framework really needs to come down to "Leave the family (divorce) if that's what you want to do, or end your affair, come back and work on the marriage with me, and you will find me willing to address any and all issues -- including my own contributions to our marital problems. But the status quo -- having an open marriage -- doesn't work for me."
Thanks. My own were 20, 18, 14 and 11 at the time. What to tell them as an intensely personal of a topic as you'll find around here. I personally decided to tell my two adult daughters the truth, and later told my older son the truth as well (in an age-appropriate manner). I decided that I wanted my kids to know that at least ONE parent would ALWAYS tell them the truth.
I would talk to a good family therapist about this before deciding. Exposure is NOT advocated in DB, but nor would I lie to my kids if they asked me a direct question. Something to think and pray about, for sure.
25mlc will, I'm sure, give you 10,000 words on the opposing viewpoint, lol (j/k 25!!!)
