Time For Me (Part 2)

[Spartan]

So what were the consequences of the boundary of not seeing other people? How did that boundary help you?

Was there more to it than that?

We made this "boundary" early on and to be quite honest we never attached anything to it (i.e. if this happens then this happens). I probably should have called it more of an agreement then used the word boundary. The way it went down was after the initial "WTF just happened to my life" emotions settled down we had a talk about us. We discussed this agreement in regards to her hoping to stay friends after D happens because it would be better for kids (some of you may remember at the time I didn't really believe friends would be possible but I knew we couldn't have R without being friends so it made sense for where she was currently at). I brought up that because the process itself could be straining on our relationship I didn't think it made sense for us to add other people to the mix that could only hurt the other person. She said she agreed with that and said she has no intention of finding or looking for anyone and she just wants to be alone and feel free to do what she wants since she's never been on her own (side note even when I offered to pay for things she didn't want to move out or even do trial separation to give her this space which confused me...). We BOTH agreed that we wouldn't pursue any opposite sex relationships until either D was final or we were separated. I really believed her and it was helping me because I wasn't wondering about another guy. I'm honestly not sure I could have done the friending work I was doing if that potential was alive and visible, at least not to level I felt I was. Right or wrong it helped me to start becoming her friend again and I felt like I was starting to gain trust in her.

Yes it hurt that she is doing whatever with this other guy and I do feel lied to again but the thing that really generated my comment about things being different was that the agreement we made means nothing to her anymore. Same thing happened when we discussed custody. Around the same time as above agreement we both agreed on 50/50. When paperwork was started by my L (at her request) her (or her L) responded with it being unacceptable and said they would offer me every other weekend only... When we discussed it originally she said it made sense to get this part done since it would be the biggest topic and we should get it out of way now while we're getting along in case things turned sour. When I talked with her about her L's response she denied knowing anything about it. I asked her to follow up with her L and she said no she'll wait for court. Like you guys said, the other guy may be absolutely nothing but the breaking of agreements/ vows/ whatever you want to call them has been a reoccurring issue with her for way longer then I like to admit. I wish I would have been stronger earlier in my life rather than just pushing everything under rug because I was afraid of being alone or being divorced/ single parent. At least I can admit that now...

Agree with Bug. You might want to ask these friends to stop sharing this sort of intel with you. Then again, maybe not... I also believe we learn things as we need to so...

I actually told him this morning that I didn't want, or need, to hear anything else. I told him nothing I can do about any of it and it just adds stress to my world and that I'm just trying to work on myself now. I know he was trying to help and we were cool about it but he wanted me to know she picked up shifts that coincide with other guys schedule. The lie I mentioned that he didn't know about was she told me she was forced into shifts. At this point, after a lot of help, none of the 'other guy stuff' really makes much difference.

Sorry for book, I really need to work on editing. I just type what I think...