It's good to be here

[Mileus]

Holy crap! Found out this weekend that my daughter is pregnant. So I'll be a Grandpa before 40. It's good timing because I wasn't sure I had enough to do with just bankruptcy and a separation. Despite the nagging worry, I'm actually glad that there will be a baby in the house. I already feel love for it and she's only 2 months pregnant, just wasn't expecting another bomb. And my daughter just signed up for technical school, so that starts half way through the pregnancy.

I was starting to feel better. I still miss her like crazy, but I felt I could start to move forward. She came home yesterday to find out about our daughter and later told me she was considering marriage in a week (What?!?!). I held it together pretty well, until today, I sent some unneeded texts. (So much for detachment.) But, I'm back on track. And when she told me, I handled it well.

I think I talked her out of marriage, at least until I get custody of our youngest. I reminded her that she was sleeping with me 2-3X a week the entire time she was having the affair and was lying to him as well. He thought we were not active. Then she wanted to spend 5 nights with me and 2 with him and be physical with both.(That's when I told her no and she left). Those aren't acts of love for either of us. I didn't bring it up myself, she wanted to talk.

And I reminded her that the kids have never even met him and are barely speaking to her as it is. Though, she keeps telling them how much they'll like his family. I think she has this fantasy in her head that they will get married and the kids will all get along wonderfully and she will feel like she does now forever. I could take her back after an affair, maybe not in 6 months, who knows how I'll feel then, but not after a marriage. It feels so final.

She didn't even tell her dad she was considering marriage. Basically, she is worried about not having insurance and she is on a lot of meds for her depression. She would lose it without them. I've seen her go a day without some of them and it isn't pretty. But, it's amazing to me how she's changed.

She has only been home to see the kids 3X in 2 weeks. She says its because she is not comfortable around me, but I've offered to leave the house when she comes. I feel like she isn't the amazing mom I've always known. I can understand how she left me, I don't like it, but I can understand. How she stays away from the kids, I'll never get.

During the conversation, she even put down his intelligence and said she missed talking to me. That was weird, but I'm trying not to read into it. I'm just walking everyday (30+ minutes of daily exercise), sticking to my diet (1600 calories) and enjoying time with the kids. I'm trying to go LRT, but it is difficult.

Maybe with her talking marriage in a few weeks I should even go dark, but that's hard to do with kids. Either way, I'm trying to take care of myself.

Thanks for reading. It's always good to get this stuff out every few days.