Still confused...about everything.

[BRNR]

25-I guess i was just feeling a little low today...I may have mis-written in a way that you didn't quite understand that, but I will clarify some of the things you have written...

I won't say "keep a PMA" when you're this upset and feel hopeless. I think this is a natural part of the process. I do NOT know where the process of grieving will lead you nor do I know if he'll wake up & show up, or in time. Agreed

But his behavior warrants a negative reaction from you. Period. As long as you don't ACT on that reaction, I think you just have to go with it... Agreed

B/C you now doubt that the future is what you once thought it would be. This question in your heart, is based on your h's behavior. Actually-his lack there of, although he has shown improvement(I'll explain on this in a minute)

Worrying about the love you had returning/leaving is one thing. But since HE is not yet returning, does it matter? Won't letting go of the emotional attachment
make it easier to cope if he does not return? Agreed

I think your real fear here is that somehow, if YOU stop caring, HE won't come back...

which makes two thoughts come to mind. 1) so what? I mean, if he does not come back, then how do you suffer MORE b/c of not caring? Soooo true.

2) you think your not loving him will CAUSE him to not return? Well, I suppose that is possible. But you have made it clear you do care for him (previously) and it did not result in his return. Exactly how I feel. In fact he found a 2nd OW? IS that accurate? No he has not as far as I know and this would cause me to drop the rope

What seems to generate interest in you, at his end? You detaching? You being warmer? Is there any discernible pattern? I am still trying to figure this one out....
I thought he was still moping and not returning. This is accurate to my knowledge

Yes he likes to get his family fix...so maybe your dilemma is "what to do about that?" You hate enabling him, but you also don't want to punish the kids by shutting his out of their lives...correct? Correct.

can you learn to see or view him as an "uncle" who sometimes does fun things with the kids, and sometimes does not even show up? Yes, this is good advice...I will try to learn this and feel it.

Try hard to Reduce any expectations of him beyond that. Trying...but am finding it difficult

you don't have to KNOW how long...although I found a private internal deadline for limbo, helped ME to cope. I had a d in high school and I figured as long as the bills were getting paid and we could keep the house (not move) until d finished high school, I could endure. But I knew that after graduation day when she headed off to college, MY life would be MINE to live I like this idea, and I will give it some thought...I think the only one I have right now is if H does find a 2nd OW or if I find an OM..

H has actually opened up more to me by telling me his plans on things he is doing...before I knew nothing. Just last night he explained to me that he is shooting pool with a really old buddy he ran into in the store. he also told me this morning that he has a seminar he is required to attend on Tuesday of next week and he can't take the kids to school in the morning and today he offered to pick up our S13 from an impromptu rehearsal he found out about this morning ( I found out about it last night). So his behavior is changing in the fact that he is giving me status of his life so to speak.