Looking for a little advice and support

[AnotherStander]

Ok. So even though W agreed to Retrouvaille she is still cold.

I think I said before that I don't think she's ready. In my opinion both spouses need to have at least a passing interest in working on things for RetroV to be really effective. It's been 9 months since BD and I think it was still premature for my W. We only did about half of the followup sessions and things have resorted to a pre-RetroV state for us now.

I know I better do a great job of giving her space over the next few weeks, but it is so damn hard.

It is very hard, but it does get easier. Just stick to it! Be consistent!

One minute I feel like I want this to work more than anything, the next minute I start thinking I would be so much happier without her.

You need to be inbetween those extremes. Your goal is to get to the place where you know you will be fine with or without her, but still hold some hope in your heart that it will be with her.

I was at w moms house and we were talking outside. She was in a terrible mood. And I kept asking what's wrong. Dumb mistake number 1.

Don't ever ask that, because she can't reply without it looking like there is something "wrong" with her. Instead, try to get her to talk about her feelings. Say something like "you seem upset, are you upset about something?" Don't ask WHAT she is upset about, just ask about her feelings. If she says yes, she's upset, say "You do seem upset, I'm sorry you feel that way, is there anything I can do to help?" If you keep this up she will eventually open up about why she's upset, but the goal is to seek to understand her emotions FIRST.

Then she said something to the effect of she is only going retrouvaille so that we could communicate better. I got mad, lost my temper and said something like this, "well you aren't te only one. I'm not sure retouvaille will help anything. Not sure you will ever change from being a selfish bi@$&"

Wow, that was a backslide of truly epic proportions. The irony is that is EXACTLY what RetroV is all about- learning to communicate better. That is the key to saving your M. A proper response would have been "that's why I am going as well, I don't have any expectations that it will change our M, but hopefully we will learn effective communication skills that will help us to get along better regardless of what happens in the M."

She said, just when I give her the slightest hope that I am changing I go and show her my true side.

And she's right. Sorry to say it, but you got bumped right back to the starting line.

We went back and forth with me pleading for a little bit.

Ugh. OK, you may be behind the starting line, LOL! Just pick yourself up, learn from this and DO NOT REPEAT IT!!!!

One of my main problems was me blowing up and cutting her with my words and low blows. Verbal abuse basically. She said she is done and has no hope what so ever any more and that she no longer wants to go to retrouvaille.

I would agree that you're not ready for RetroV. Get back to DB'ing basics and maybe you can revisit that much later (hopefully). You've got to concentrate on showing her CONSISTENT 180's for months. And yes, the verbal abuse had got to stop immediately. You can do great DB'ing for months and undo it all with a single verbal assault.