Be civilized with STBX

[mstoadswildride]

Love this board. I really enjoy the encouraging post from everyone. Since I am new on the board, here is a brief break down.

* married for 23 years, four daughters, 22, 20, 17 and 15. I am 49, stbx 48.

* BD January, 2011, because "daddy" ain't happy. Moved in with an alcoholic bachelor for a year. Now he is living at his childhood home with a brother ALSO going through a mid-life crisis.

* he filed for divorce Sept. 2012.

* three days later, I find out he is having an EA/PA affair with a 24 year old in China.

* he is running, running, running. He informed the girls he will be spending time with his parents for Thanksgiving. Did not leave a single word about his whereabouts for Christmas and when he leaves for China.

* I've been applying the 180. I don't know if it works on a personality that is conflict-avoidant and self-centered. I am doing this to get myself stronger.

* He still wants to see OW in China.

* Went into mediation two weeks ago. All finances settled. He wants to sell the house. If all goes well, I will be divorced in 30 days.

I am sad this is all happening. I didn't choose this and my girls didn't either. How do I interact with STBX in a healthy way so he will continue to be involved with his girls? We get into an argument and it just goes down the toilet. It hasn't changed in the last 23 years. How do I get out of this vicious cycle?

[AnotherStander]

Hello, welcome to the forums!

Now he is living at his childhood home with a brother ALSO going through a mid-life crisis.

I'm curious how you determined that he's MLC and not WAH?

* he is running, running, running.

Do you mean from the family or literally working out/ running?

How do I interact with STBX in a healthy way so he will continue to be involved with his girls? We get into an argument and it just goes down the toilet.

OK, well you said you're doing 180's but then you mention the arguments are continuing unabated. When doing 180's it's important to do them on ALL of your destructive behavior. You mention your H is "conflict-avoidant", so I would assume he hates fighting with you, so you're driving him away in these fights. It's "more of the same" behavior. There are methods for resolving issues without it escalating into a fight. DR goes into this. Have you read it?

It hasn't changed in the last 23 years. How do I get out of this vicious cycle?

By learning new techniques and implementing them! By understanding that YOU can change the pattern, YOU have the power to stop the cycle!

[mstoadswildride]

Hi Another Stander.

He is in mid-life crisis because of the behavior he is exhibiting:
* hates that he is getting old. Doesn't like the aches and creaks in his joints. He is losing his hair.

* changed his looks, dyed his hair, new eyeglasses, new underwear,new clothing. He use to be a t-shirt kind of dude. Now he shops at American Eagle, Abercrombie & Fitch, The Buckle, Nordstroms.

* partying with single people, doesn't tell me where he is. His best friends are his single brother and co-worker.

* I got the Daddy aint' happy talk. It is all my fault. I am controlling and manipulative. I always get my way. Leaving you is the bravest thing I ever did. I have been unhappy through the whole marriage, the last five years, the last two years. We live like roommates.

* not attending church. God use to be a big part of his life.

* Charging up the credit cards. Living the single life, eating at expensive resturants,sometimes up to $130 a night.

* has a new co-worker girlfriend, twenty five years younger than him. He sees her every 2-3 months when he flies to China for business. Thinks she is just amazing, looks up to him, thinks he walks on water. She is encouraging and positive. Most brilliant man!! They left each other glowing remarks on linkedin.

* rare contact with his daughters. If they don't respond, he is mad and pouts. He thinks a weekly email to them via facebook is regular communication.
* blames me, kids, boss, friends for everything wrong in his life. He doesn't want any responsibility. We are just a heavy anchor around his neck.

When I meant he was running, I mean he is running away from his life and his family.
*Since January 2012 hes has been to China six times, staying 3 weeks at a time. Two yacht trips to Catalina island, Germany, San Francisco, Lake Tahoe, Montana, San Luis Obisbo. On weekends, he hangs with his brother, drives to LA, plays golf, shooting ranges, plays his guitar, going to fancy restaurants.

* he has chose not to be with his family on Easter, Birthdays for d17 and d20, Mother's day, July 4th, my parent's 35th anniversary family reunion, Thanksgiving, Christmas. No Happy Birthday on my birthday(I shouldn't be surprised)or a peep on 24th wedding anniversary.

Okay, I will get the DB books. I realized the last couple of weeks that my behavior is destructive. I am too focused on his reaction instead of changing my attitude. For me, everyday is a reflection of what I can do better tomorrow. My daughters have notices the little changes in me. It has brought positive changes in our lives.

I have read so many books. I am able to apply to myself healthy tools to live life. I had to go into my past(being bullied, abandonment, rejection, lack of self esteem, sexual abuse, three abortions, back surgery, addiction to painkillers) to understand why I react the way I do today. I want to learn something new everyday.

I was selfish, unhappy, tense, depressed, cut God off in my life, thinking I can do it on my own. It took husband walking away to jolt me back into reality and face up to what I had done. I had to really center myself so I can have inner peace. Still a journey, painful yet joy. I am so grateful for my family and friends.

[mstoadswildride]

Hi Another Stander,

I order the DB book yesterday.

Thank you!!

[BklynMom]

You will need to let Gods love back in more then ever.

This journey is not for the timid Try reading Pema Choldron also

[mstoadswildride]

BklynMom,

Amen. God shows me something new or amazing everyday. He has send amazing people into my life. I know this [censored] right now, I know it is temporary, I don't have all the answers but I know I can talk to God everyday and we are all created for a reason.

One day at a time. Little goals, make sure my daughters are taken care of, make sure my pets are fed, reading, knitting, lunch with girlfriends, gas in the car. I keep telling myself whatever is challenging for this week, next week will be something else. So keep going. It is all temporary.

[AnotherStander]

He is in mid-life crisis because of the behavior he is exhibiting:

I'm not an MLC expert by any means, but based on what you're describing I would agree with you, he sure does sound like an MLCer. The approach between MLCer and WAH is largely the same, but unfortunately it can take much longer for an MLCer to come out of the tunnel.

I realized the last couple of weeks that my behavior is destructive. I am too focused on his reaction instead of changing my attitude. For me, everyday is a reflection of what I can do better tomorrow. My daughters have notices the little changes in me. It has brought positive changes in our lives.

Great, it sounds like even though you haven't read DB/ DR you're already getting on board with it! What you describe above is a healthy thing for your recovery. A centerpiece of DB'ing is analyzing your destructive behavior and changing it (doing 180s). It's also about taking the focus off your H and putting it on you. Give your H time and space while improving yourself.

I had to go into my past(being bullied, abandonment, rejection, lack of self esteem, sexual abuse, three abortions, back surgery, addiction to painkillers) to understand why I react the way I do today.

Don't dwell on that too much, DB'ing is not about dredging up the past to figure out WHY you have negative behaviors. It is about CHANGING those behaviors. It's about looking FORWARD, not backward. You don't have to immerse yourself in the past to figure out how to change your negative patterns.

I was selfish, unhappy, tense, depressed, cut God off in my life, thinking I can do it on my own.

Good that you recognize this, now use that as a basis to develop your 180's

[mstoadswildride]

Hi AnotherStander,

STBX is returning to the US this Friday. He has made no contact, expect a curt email to d15 & d17 that he will be in China until March 8th.

I sent an email to him saying that I am moving on, I forgive him, and thanking him for introducing me to God. I have not heard a peep from him. It's like he has dropped off the edge of the world.

When he returns home, he is suppose to get the house ready so he can put on the market. Can you let me know if I am doing the correct things?
* not going out of my way to help get the house ready(he sees the house as a debt around his neck, not that he is displacing the girls and I).
* be pleasant & friendly.
* he is suppose to come on weekends to fix up the house. I am going to go to work, take care of the girls and not change my routine.

I started the 180 in September 2012 when I found out about OW and he filed for divorce. I didn't communicate or see H for four months. He contacted his daughters sporadically and was upset that they didn't respond to them. He took off for Thanksgiving and Christmas without telling us where is was going.

In January 2013, he started emailing me with reminders from D17 & D15 about school activities. He tried to send a couple of emails being funny and trying to make conversation. I ignored those emails. I only replied to emails concerning the girls and finances.

D15 had her first winter formal date in January. I felt it was important that her dad is present for this occasions. I was pleasant & cordial. He was so appreciative that I invited him to take pics of his daughter.

A week later, I finished turning in all my financial disclosure to my lawyer. H didn't waste anytime in setting up a meeting with him and his lawyer and my lawyer and I.

The night before the meeting, my parents and sister came over to review all my paperwork making sure what kind of settlement I should expect. They encouraged me to phone H and see if we could save money and settled without lawyers present.

I called him. It was going okay, we were going to meet and talk about finances. Then I opened my big mouth and started telling him what I have been going through the last 4 months. I knew he wouldn't listen to half the stuff I was saying, but it was sure nice to get it off my chest. At the end, we decided to settle everything with the lawyers.

I kept my mouth shut during the meeting and let my lawyer do all the talking. It was a good settlement for my girls and I. I broke down once when H wanted to sell the house.

He left the next day to China. He is starting his brand new life with his new love in Chengdu. OW is a co-worker. He has gone dark on us.

So how should I act when he is home?I want to be detached, continue with my routine, treat him like I would an acquaintance and when it gets uncomfortable, I will leave the room.

Thanks,
Ms. Toad

[mstoadswildride]

Out of curiosity, is there a thread about two brothers going through MLC together?

Background: H father was an alcoholic & prescription drug user. H is the youngest. His older siblings say he was the scapegoat for the dad. Alcoholism has been in the family for generations.

BIL broke his neck in 2009. In April 2011, he wanted to date other people and wanted SIL to date others too. SIL refused and divorce proceeding started. BIL "moved" into his office. BIL started dating younger woman. This was about the same time H started acting funny. H started to lie for his brother.

End of 2010, I got really ill. I ended up in the ER twice in December. H thought I was going to die that night. At the same time oldest D was stranded in New York during a blizzard. She called H in a panic, crying and asking for help. I lost my hair, H got demoted for his PA behavior, financial stress made a perfect storm for MLC.

Currently, both brothers are living in their childhood home. H is dating 20-something OW in China, living the single life. BIL is dating a 24 year old, "actress", tattooed, mother of a 9 year old. BIL just took GF to Costa Rica so GF can get a boob job. BIL funded this whole adventure. This should "enhance" her porn acting career.

H is miserable, doesn't want to live with brother yet attached & influenced by his brother. H still thinks I am to blame for all of this.

Told husband that my daughters are not allowed near the playboy house. He agrees, seen his brother do many disgusting things. I think H is guilty of participation too.

I am interested if any on this website has experienced this? What was the outcome?

[AnotherStander]

I sent an email to him saying that I am moving on, I forgive him, and thanking him for introducing me to God. I have not heard a peep from him. It's like he has dropped off the edge of the world.

This actually happens a lot with MLCers, they will sometimes just completely disconnect from everything and everyone they previously held dear.

Can you let me know if I am doing the correct things?
* not going out of my way to help get the house ready(he sees the house as a debt around his neck, not that he is displacing the girls and I).
* be pleasant & friendly.
* he is suppose to come on weekends to fix up the house. I am going to go to work, take care of the girls and not change my routine.

Yeah, sounds like you're doing everything fine!

He tried to send a couple of emails being funny and trying to make conversation. I ignored those emails. I only replied to emails concerning the girls and finances.

Considering your sitch I'd say "going dark" is appropriate, and what you describe above fits in with going dark.

I called him. It was going okay, we were going to meet and talk about finances. Then I opened my big mouth and started telling him what I have been going through the last 4 months. I knew he wouldn't listen to half the stuff I was saying, but it was sure nice to get it off my chest. At the end, we decided to settle everything with the lawyers.

Oh well. It was a backslide, but sometimes we just can't fight those impulses Hopefully you're satisfied that you got it off your chest and won't feel the need to do that again.

So how should I act when he is home?I want to be detached, continue with my routine, treat him like I would an acquaintance and when it gets uncomfortable, I will leave the room.

That is fine. I also suggest you look better than ever. Spruce up your wardrobe. Change your hairstyle. Wear perfume, or if you already do then change it. Show him what he's missing. Always have a PMA around him. Show him that you're moving on with your life with or without him.

Good luck!