I guess it would be good to share a little of the back story.

My Wife and I met as teenagers married in our early twenties.

We've been married 20 years. We've had all the typical challenges to our marriage, but were able to grow, learn and handle them all together. All but one.

We were the classic Sex Starved Couple. We went to counselling to try to resolve it. I learned and applied everything I could about how to build the foundations to foster intimacy. They didn't create a change in my Wife's behavior. (in a sick way those skills came in handy when I chose to have an affair)

I loved everything about my wife, smart, beautiful, caring, great mother, but lack of intimacy came to define everything in my world.

It felt like I had been left behind by my Wife, that she had walked away, but "oh by the way I expect you to remain faithful"

As it went on it felt like she was torturing me. Lots of "if you were more like this, I'd have sex with you....oh no I meant more like that". "You are messed up, people (women in particular) don't focus so much on sex".

We went to counseling but it never helped.

Then it descended into lots of silent blackmail...OK if you won't give me sexual intimacy then I won't give you ________.

No I was not innocent. I contributed too:

I felt like viewing porn within moderation was OK. She absolutely did not. I thought she was a prude. I thought I was justified because I wasn't getting any. So it became my secret release. (This secrecy helped lay the groundwork for the affair)

I pretty much did EVERY SINGLE thing wrong in trying to support her in discovering her sexuality. I made it "her problem". I allowed it to divide us. I made her the enemy.

I harbored great anger and bitterness toward her in this area of relationship, but sincerely tried to love and appreciate all her other gifts. But ultimately my resentment started appearing in most of the other facets of our relationship. I'm sure I wasn't somebody particularly pleasant to have around.

At the end we were having sex maybe 6 times a year....and then only after a horrible cycle where I wouldn't pursue, she wouldn't even notice, then I would would give in and pursue. (That felt like [censored] I was hurt that she didn't notice, I was angry that I gave in, I was resentful that I had to beg and jump through hoops to get her attention.

Finally, I used the Sex Starved aspect of our marriage as the justification for the unjustifiable: having an affair.