Living, Getting the Paperwork Started (20 months)

[adinva]

No Bug, it's not about me vs him, though you're right when I read that I see it too. Not at all. It's about my kid and who's going to parent him.

If I've learned anything in this mess it's that I'm not right in a vacuum. I'm human in a world of things my brain's trying to interpret the very best it can, and a whole world of other interpretations opened up when I first learned my marriage wasn't anything like what I thought it was. How could I be so completely wrong? Part of it is that absent other input that was compelling to me, I relied on my own judgement and interpretation.

I know I think I'm right about S15 needing love and compassion, and to be treated like a thinking feeling person and not like a criminal. I know I may be overdoing it in that direction.

I know I think my H is unreasonable and unmoveable. I know he thinks he is more right than me, and I know that there's some right in what he believes too.

I value the world in which I'm not always right, and I want to get there with my H for the good of the kids. I don't want to say, I've got them and you don't; I wanted them and you want to walk away from them; I live here everyday and you moved out...so it's my way unless I happen to agree with you. That's what it boils down to.

I'm struggling against my native impulse to push back and let him shut down so I can do what I want. That's not easy for me.

I'm also struggling against our normal dynamic, which is ONE conversation and DONE. He said what he said, it's not going to change, we can argue more but there's not really any point in talking more. I've been trying to cultivate a habit of exploratory conversations that occur over time, so there's a chance to think and absorb between the times when we're both trying to pursue our own point.

I would rather be able to say he's a jerk, he doesn't know anything about loving and raising kids, and he doesn't want to, the heck with him. I can definitely do that and I know he'll back down, because he always did before if I pushed back. And his resentment doesn't hurt me anymore since we're not going to be married for life anymore.

So it's not at all about me winning or him winning, it's about how I somehow create a two-parent approach to raising our son, because I believe my son needs that.

So, ok, I guess it's about me winning in trying to get H on board with real coparenting...? I don't know, I think that's overly critical of what I'm trying to do. It's about me really trying to do the best for my kid.