STBX has instituted a new system where he insists that I nominate a time that he can see D17 and S14.
Prior to this he has been coming by to see them at our house, and also taking them out to dog park, cafe and his parents house. I am cordial but make myself scarce when he comes around (or am out).
Recently, he's refused to come near our house. He is very angry and agitated.
I asked him to negotiate a time with the kids, but he refused and "insisted" that I just name a time.
Problem is, they don't want to go with him - especially not at a time that i pull out of a hat.
After a bit of emailed to-ing and fro-ing, I gave up any resistance and named a time for this week and asked him to confirm it with them.
He just emailed back that he'd come by at 7pm on Thurs to pick them up.
No word to the kids. He'll simply arrive and expect them to go with him to ...who knows where.
I've told them about it, but they don't want to go with him.
This man throws me. He keeps pushing and pushing and, to me, he seems so heartless.
Just got an email with the subject: "Urgent confirmation of court date"
In it, STBX says: "Can you confirm by reply email that you have been served the court papers for the divorce and settlement. "
Now, these papers are in the hands of my Lawyer. I presume he will file a response in due time.
Also, STBX had the option of serving these papers by hand (he would have had to employ someone to do so), thus being sure that I had received them but, instead, he chose to send them by mail. Procedure is that I have to reply by sending in an enclosed form.
My dilemma: Should i do the 'happy as a clam' thing and reply: Yes, thanks, I received the papers and can't wait to get divorced!
Or do I treat him like the heartless bully I feel he is and ignore his request.
There's a process to this buddy, sit and wait for it. And by the way, can you confirm by return email that you have paid your son's school fees that are 2 terms in arrears, and can you explain why you think you don't have to pay a cent in child support?
I am angry and venting, but I really could do with some advice about how to handle this stuff.
Took kids out to dog training tonight and we had been home about 30 mins when the home phone rang. It was stbx and D17 answered. It was 9.15pm.
He launched into a tirade almost immediately about what she had done at the car park two weeks ago (she had told OW that she no longer had a car to learn to drive in because OW was driving it around town. D17 told OW to drive her own car; she didn't need ours as well when we had been left with no car).
Anyway, stbx was insisting that D17 apologise and D17 was telling him she would not. Stbx was shouting (I could hear him). It sounded like 2 teenagers having a "You're wrong" / "No, You are" endless exchange.
D17 stood her ground. Then he told her that her grandfather had cancer.
Apparently stbx's father has been diagnosed with throat cancer and commenced chemo today. Following 6 weeks of treatment, he will have surgery. D17 was distressed and stbx asked her to put S14 on the line.
As usual, S14 was less than interested in talking to stbx - more so tonight as he was rushing to do his homework and study for a chem test tomorrow. He ended the call almost straight away.
Ten mins later and the phone rings again. This time stbx asks to speak to me. I am told:
"If you don't answer my email about the D papers, it will be detrimental to you"
I was pretty much stunned and couldn't think of what to say.
He ended up saying "Hello? Hello?" to establish that i was still on the line. In the end I just said "OK, [name]. I asked if his father was going to be Ok and he told me that was none of my business. I gave up and said "Bye" and rang off.
Ten mins later, the phone rings again. Guess who?, this time asking to speak to S14 again. He starts off the call with "Your grandpa has cancer"
S14 flips out and asks if he is dying. Stbx provides some detail and says the prognosis is good. S14 says he doesn't understand....
Stbx then changes the topic (I was listening, as he was talking so loudly, I could hear from where I was sitting next to S14) to say that S14 doesn't sound like he wants to talk to him when he rings.
S14 says: "I don't".
Stbx: "I won't bother you again"
S14: "OK"
Stbx: "Why don't you want to talk to me? You need to talk about why you feel that way"
S14 "I''m trying to study for a test. I have homework to do and it's late. I'll call you another time, but not now".
This really is a circus. A very sad one, but a circus nonetheless.
Now stbx's frenzied calls and emails over the last week start to make more sense.
Although, they are still filled with really weird stuff. Like today, when he emailed that because i hadn't replied to his latest email, he could "no longer continue to support me".
But he stopped paying any support 2 and a half weeks ago.
Wow, NLW. Your kids need you to be a calm and safe place for them. This is awful for you but you can see he's kind of gone off the deep end. The kids are lucky to have you there for them.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Sounds like the dude's a spoiled brat who needs a time out or even a trip out to the woodshed... At his current pace, he's going to end up wrecking his R with his kids. He'll blame you because he can't face the fact that it was the man in the mirror...
I would take my phone off the hook after 9...your kids don't need this right before bed and during HW hours....PERIOD
In our child visitation rights paper...here's what we put in....
"It is both parents wishes that each child have a good relationship with the children. The children are of age to make decisions and arrangements with each parent."
My EX sound exactly like yours...except eventually other than every 6-8 weeks to surface and stir the pot.... my kids have had very little to do with their dad.
It's their choice....I tried making them go in the beginning but then saw the mental abuse he was subjecting them to and stopped forcing and just repeated what the court papers say. It takes me out of the loop....but it does not stop him from blaming me for them not having a relationship. WHATEVER!
Stop engaging...your kids are of age.... he needs to stop harassing them and that is an issue that you need to bring up to your attorney.
Now, I will say once in the beginning my then 13 yr old D didn't like what I was doing and said something to the effect of living with her dad (he lives on a boat in another town ...so yea right and he travels all the time) Now, she has the right to make this decision but I'm smart enough to know ...it was her trying to see what power she had......so I leaned across the counter and calmly said..."honey, that's fine....You will have to stay for one year min., change schools, and make arrangements for someone to keep you when he is gone." Because the reality is..he is in no shape to house children nor care for them in his current social status. She knew that and didn't want to ....just a power play.... those darn kids.
I feel bad now in hind-sight that I let my EX emotionally and verbally abuse the children in hopes to restore their relationship and wish I would have stood up to it earlier.
Document all inappropriate things he says and does.
There is no law against you turning that phone off in the evening and having your kids do it too at night. Tell the judge due to HW restrictions and bedtime issues with the dad getting them upset you felt it was necessary for the children.
Let him know he can call your attorney to find out his information from now on. Stop conversing about this with him.
You are in the business of divorce and need to take that emotion of needing to fix, be right, try to make him do right out of the equation now.
Treat it like a transaction that deals with your life and your kids....because it does! Look out for your kids and for you.
Your doing great for the most part...but I would stop answering his phone calls. I keep everything to text or email for the purpose of now 3 years later (we are headed back to court) but I have documentation of bulling, blackmail, cursing and mine are always polite and respectful..
He doesn't call to talk to me anymore....because he got use to the kids telling him I couldn't talk...take your choice.... "She's in the bathroom, not here etc."
Now, I am not all happy about the kids lying and I would always email or text back soon ....with some excuse as to why I couldn't talk then either.... and ask him what was up.
I did explain to my kids why I didn't want to talk to him on the phone but I didn't want to be rude either. He was always yelling at me or cursing me. So, they got it..with the explanation I would have written communication so dad would know I got the message.
I also told my kids that if anyone starts yelling or cursing them out on the phone....they should say calmly "if you don't stop yelling or cursing. I'm going to hang up"...if that person continues...don't say goodby or anything... hang up and don't answer if they call back right away. Rinse and repeat
This will either teach that person to talk calmly or they never learn and get pissed and try to spew more.
This taught my kids not to allow anyone to talk to them with disrespect by yelling and cursing. BTW...that goes for the mom too!
Teaching and learning effective communication skills is essential. And NO ONE should be subjected to continued verbal abuse...by a friend, stranger, spouse or a parent.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Also trying to have compassion for stbx - he is making his kids dislike him. There is no upside to being with him at the moment from their point of view. It's so sad for all of them.
All I can do is tell them that he loves them, but his behaviour is hard to take for us all.
