Into The Sunset

[ericmsant2]

Tad

Eric, maybe I am afraid of being done.

I bet you knew this response was coming...WHY are afraid? I'll take a stab at the answer for YOU since I suspect you will not answer it.

I was afraid of a lot of things before, and sometime I still find myself affraid/worried about things. What I learned was that the way I looked at things was "flawed" (at least that's my opinion). I consider everything FINAL...when in reality NOTHING is really final per se. Nada. Nothing - except death. Think about it for a second.... You can be done today with your X. Jump up and down and say you will never get back with her (and FTR, I'd join ya) EXCEPT the reality is that neither you nor I have an idea of what will happen in the future. That is unless you have crystal ball that forgot to mention. I said flawed earlier because I came to realize that we can only really focus on the HERE and NOW. You or have no idea of if you two will get back to together. We really don't (not that this is what you should be thinking about). Maybe you should FINALLY - FINALLY - FINALLY give living in the moment a shot. So don't worry about being done, not being done, being quassie done. Worry about how you can make TODAY the best day you can!

I let my anger show a little bit. I fail.

Fail? WTF, you mean to tell me that you showed a little anger (I would replace the word anger with nuts - buts that just me) and you think you failed. Why? Is it because everything you continue to do in your life is based on trying to get her back? Dude, you have every RIGHT to be angry. Yep. It's okay to be pissed the F off! Chit you should try really giving her a piece of your mind one of these days. Hell it might even help you feel better.

You did not fail Tad...at least not with showing some anger. Nope not in my book.

Where YOU are failing (my opinion and I am not a medical professional) rather WHO you are failing is YOU man.

You act as if your live is meaningless without her in it. You come accross as if you whole sense of self is tied to her. Have you not learned that giving ANYONE that much power over how you feel is NOT HEALTHY?

As AJM has said, you have suppressed the anger for way too long. It's about time you let it out and FTR...I actually think you have not let it out because a lot of it will be directed at YOURSELF. How could I have given her so much power? WHy did I allow this to happen? Blah blah blah. Personally, you should be pissed at her and yourself (others may disagree with me here) but why would not pissed off. Being angry though is not the real issue here though.... the real issue is HOW YOU USE THE ANGER. Do you use it to keep your as* stuck? Do you use to sit around moping? Do you use it stay depressed and sit around with a whoa's me attitude? Do you use to go date someone else hoping that they will make YOU feel better?

OR

Do you use it to finally push yourself to pick your as* up and start planning YOUR future. Do you use to push yourself to get up today and do something FUN?

The choice is your buddy...it is several years post bomb, the ecomony is worse, global warming is worse, our schools systems are worse...Life buddy is passing you by... I think it is time to pick yourself up and start living before this world really goes to hell in a hand basket.

In closing....when you are living your life and really trying to enjoy the gift that you have (your life, your kids) well then YOU can decide if you are done or not.

Eric

[25yearsmlc]

Eric,

it's not that I think Tad's not allowed or healthy to be angry.

I just wonder, "why NOW??" What did his ex wife do, in that moment or example, to trigger or warrant any anger in Tad? To me, Nothing.

But he's not dealing with "today's" problems. He's dealing with a ton of bottled up stuff.

Detaching would solve 90% of his issues.

But as You, Tad, say, you are afraid of being done.

I have fear too. I Fear you won't answer my/Eric's questions! But here they go anyhow..

Just 3 tiny weensy, but maybe super important, questions...


1) what would "being done" with her, (i.e., letting go) look like to you?


2) If you stopped attaching your present day happiness to HER choices, (past/present or future), what's the worst that could happen?



3) What do you truly believe your sons are learning from you, as you are now?

It's been frustrating to see you stuck so long, I fully admit that. But there's something in you that I believe in, some part of you that wants to be happier than you are now.

Some part of you that I hope takes over and starts leading the way.

((( )))

[AJM]

Tad, some great advice and suggestions. And questions too.

I already know the why now to 25's question. But the thing is, it's ok to be angry. It's healthy. It's needed and long overdue. And when it passes, you need to move on. Part of the anger is, as 25 put it, the fear. Overcome that fear, Tad. Answer the questions of "what happens if..? " If not here, then to yourself. Then test those answers. I assure you, it is not worth being afraid of.

As I told you before, you need to be the one to walk away. When you realize that and it sinks in, you'll be a happier man. And your sons will thank you for it.

Let the rest go, Tad. Face the fears. Answer the hard questions and let the answers be what they are. Then deal with them.

Life's dangerous Tad. You won't get out alive. Live like it won't be long till you figure that out and let the rest go.

AJ

[ericmsant2]

25

Eric,

it's not that I think Tad's not allowed or healthy to be angry.

I didn't think you did. Maybe you missunderstood my comment of "(others may disagree with me here)". It was not intended for you. It was intended for anyone who feels that Tad should NOT be angry. He should be.

We are actually saying the same thing.

Detaching would solve 90% of his issues.

Ayep.

you need to be the one to walk away

Said another way....YOU and YOU alone Tad decide when this is OVER. She does not - YOU do.

Now are you gonna answer the questions or is your next post going to be about your XW? You know the typical post ....."I saw her today and she was talking to my son about her upcoming wedding" ..."I think she is really happy"..."I feel like dog doodoo"...blah blah blah...

Live like it won't be long till you figure that out and let the rest go.

Great quote up there ^^^^^^^

You know a good friend of mine was recently diagnosed with cancer. She is divorced. Wanna know what you she says/thinks now.... "Ya know Eric...all that time I spent angry at my XH was such a waste - I should have spent more time living". SHe may survive her cancer - she may not. The lesson though is that life is really too short to be wasting away. Think about that.

Eric

[tadpole1025]

It's been a while.

AJ, I'm doing well, but have really been feeling my age lately.

Eric, as for me showing anger the last time I saw her, I felt like I failed because I feel like showing anger just convinces her more. Showing it doesn't do anybody any good anyways.

To answer Eric's and 25's questions:

1) what would "being done" with her, (i.e., letting go) look like to you?

Not giving a damn what she's doing or how she is doing. Letting all of her actions just roll off my back.

2) If you stopped attaching your present day happiness to HER choices, (past/present or future), what's the worst that could happen?

I'm not sure...I guess I could find happiness on my own.

3) What do you truly believe your sons are learning from you, as you are now?

They may think I'm weak. They probably assume I need to have her in order to be happy.

I'm currently looking for another job and I may have one. I'll know later this week. The work from home job was nice but, I wasn't getting many hours and I really need to get out of the house.

I've been really sick this week. I'm not sure what it is, but it is a doozy.

As of today, I am on food stamps.

Tad

[tadpole1025]

I also wanted to say that I've been thinking a lot lately and it is pretty sad to me and discouraging that relationships that started so wonderfully can end up this way. WTF happened?

I also still wonder WTF I did. The hate and anger that she still displays is beyond belief.

Tad

[MrBond]

You've got to stop dwelling on things. The anger is HER anger. It's not yours. There's no sense in you trying to figure that out. Bottom line is that it isn't YOU that's causing her anger it's herself.

You've spent most of the threads trying to figure your W out. What have you done in the meantime to rebuild your self-esteem? You haven't done much because you're still acting stuck and you're not even together.

Let it go.

[AntoniaB]

Hi Tad.

You said, "I also wanted to say that I've been thinking a lot lately and it is pretty sad to me and discouraging that relationships that started so wonderfully can end up this way. WTF happened?

I also still wonder WTF I did. The hate and anger that she still displays is beyond belief."

I'm gonna take a stab at something here and if I'm wrong, I'm wrong, but we'll see.

It always comes back to the above for you. I want you to see how self-centered those statements are, and I think is this part of your problem.

It's like you can't see beyond your relationship with your XW to any other relationships in the world. Most relationships that start out wonderfully do NOT end up like ours. That's why we all came here. Because most of us can't even find one person in our lives who lives near us or who is related to has faced what we have. The marriage-ending MLC in what was initially a healthy marriage is probably pretty rare.

By continually saying "what happened" it's as if you've put your relationship with your XW on this pedestal. In other words, "This shouldn't have happened to ME. I had a GOOD marriage, a WONDERFUL one. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve her anger or this pain."

Well of course you don't, none of us deserved it.

But it happened and there's nothing that any of us can do about it. Nothing.

What's done is done. You can't turn back the clock on her actions. You can't turn back the clock on yours either. No one forces a mate to have a MLC or cheat. That's on them. But none of us were as perfect a spouse as we thought we were. A lot of us took this experience as a wake-up call to become better people, to examine what traits we had that were problematic, and to become more independent post-divorce.

Independence isn't just about paying the bills. It's also emotional independence. You strike me as a very needy person, emotionally. You seem to not be able to go on without her. Well that's what we all felt like, for a year, maybe 2, but eventually we have to get it together. I read your posts and I don't see you getting it together, still.

I feel like the one way I learned to get it together was taught to me by people here who got me to start caring about other people more. To stop thinking about myself all the time and think about someone else.

Again, you strike me as someone who spends an enormous amount of time thinking about the past and living there and not really trying to think about the future, to think about how to improve your self-esteem, or to think about others.

When you get together with friends in person, how much time do you spend talking about her? How much time do you sit and just listen to them? Because someone here is always asking you to talk about things other than her, and you barely do, even still, so is it the same way with friends or family in person?

I think it might help you if you tried to put yourself into the shoes of your friends and family. Do you think that they want to continue for another year listening to you rehash the same things? Do you think they are tired of trying to hold you up or be the good listener? Do you think they might want you to give undivided attention to their problems or concerns?

See it's at the point where I feel you are coming off as really self-centered, and the more you just keep looking at the past and your rel. with XW, the less you focus on your relationship with others and life apart from her.

Believe me I'm not trying to be mean at all, and maybe this is my 2 x 4 to you, but you have to start considering, how long are people around you going to put up with you not moving forward? Maybe if you put others first for a bit that will give you the motivation to get moving on with your life.

If you can't find the movitation to develop other interests or endeavors that are new that will distract you, then try to just focus on the needs of other people and see if that gets you anywhere. Do three random acts of kindness this week for people. See if that helps.

[25yearsmlc]

I echo this whole heartedly. ^^^

Maybe I was lucky b/c two sisters had been left by their h's a few years earlier and I had two very different models of how to react and how NOT to.
I've discussed them with you before. The older sister, the RN, was married 22 years and had 3 kids. She put her h thru law school. He left her for OW. (Perhaps OW#2?)

She was deeply wounded of course. But I watched as she began to accept "what is", while making protective smart moves in her own life.
She went to her work and cared for others, so maybe that helped HER....
but her healing did not happen BECAUSE she didn't care for her h; on the contrary, she deeply loved him, unconditionally.

She CHOSE to handle the betrayal, the deep blow to her heart, with strength and dignity. She chose not to wallow or get stuck.
She just did not waste much time asking "why me?" And believe me, she was the giver in that marriage, big time. I've always found it ironic that the selfish taker would leave, but that may be typical...

My younger sister, in contrast, just fell apart when her h left. They had No kids, a 13 year marriage and she never worked. She lived very well those years. But she revolved around her h, not wanting to work in part b/c it might lessen her time with her h, lost interest in many hobbies b/c that would take time from h...she circled and hovered around him...and she gained a lot of weight.
To this day, she thinks he left her b/c "he cheated".
She still has NO insight into what happened or what her own role in it was.
She began dating ASAP while also hoping her h would return. Yes she's co=dependent. She'd ask "Why did he leave?" And "will he come back and when", and "WHAT HAPAPENED?" every day for a few years...
I'm one of 4 sisters and she called the others too, on those same days. So she spent hours per day, THINKING about "why?"...and not learning a damn thing.

What an utter waste!!!


So when my h had his MLC, or whatever it was, I wallowed and spun my wheels too...and eventually I noticed that a few friends, the healthier ones, seemed to not invite me out quite as often...I isolated myself...by default.

Then a sibling said that I was "beginning to sound like J" (my YOUNGER sister). Wow...ouch... what a thing to say. I denied being anything like HER!
But I heard the truth in there. I began to snap out of it that day.

I had learned what NOT to do. But there I was, doing them!

By now Tad, you know about GAL, PMA, and all the things we've all said to you, repeatedly, over time.

You read the DB book. You WROTE a book on this...and yet

I can't say why, but you are choosing this position of stuckness.


Worse, you have your sons there seeing it!

Sorry Tad, but I agree with Antonia...there is something self centered about that.

Like your pain is THE priority in your life.

Not your sons. Not their pain. Not their Christmas, not their r's with their mom. Not what they're learning from you. Not anyone or anything else.

Hey we get it. We all felt that way about our pain...for awhile.

But we had to put OUR PAIN ASIDE, as our priority. There are other people in our lives, and yours. It can't still be all about how YOU FEEL. That MUST change now.


So, take this from someone who means well,

someone who also had cold water splashed in her face, and you must

snap out of this. Do whatever it takes to stop wallowing and MOVE.

[AntoniaB]

Re: Random Acts of Kindness, look at what this teenager is doing to honor her grandmother whom she just lost.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/07/18-year-old-samantha-mann_n_2823098.html