I know a lot of people would act as if they were supporting the friendship, more than what they felt was "right". I think this is especially true between women b/c many can't be as straightforward as men seem to be with each other. Of course, that's JMHO.
It takes courage for a friend to tell one that she's wrong. That's why many will listen more than express their own feelings to the walk -away.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Wow guys! I can't thank you all enough for the amount of responses I have received recently.
Sandi you are correct. My W had her BEST friend question her actions and W essentially told her she would appreciate not discussing the sitch any further and that it was none of her business.
Blake, it is encouraging to read that your sitch is improving. I really do need to get it through my thick skull to believe nothing they say and only half of what they do. All of the snooping, wondering, mind reading does wear me out. It stresses me to no end. I have got to figure out a way to stop it.
Sucker punch, you are right. Why would she talk to someone who didnt agree with her? Deep down, I guess I realize this but it just hurts.
Sailing, my W has told many more people than I have. I know how you feel. Every time I hear she has told someone else, it really upsets me. Not sure why it matters though.
Verygrateful, this IS driving me crazy. I agree that the result is just like snooping. I do need to focus on myself.
On to today: I had a good day at work today. I was upbeat and feeling good. W texted me about being called for a job interview. I am truly happy for her about this but on the flip side, her not having a good job is one of the main reasons that she has not left yet but not the only reason (if I can believe that). Those are her words not mine. She is miserable over her current working situation and has been for a long time. I think this is part of our demise. I was still feeling good until I got home. She was telling me about how awful work is and how she had to get out. I felt so bad for her. I just stared at her thinking how bad I just wanted to hold her and how much I love her. Now I am back to feeling sorry for myself again. It is so hard to be around her and look her in the face. I just love her.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
I was still feeling good until I got home. She was telling me about how awful work is and how she had to get out. I felt so bad for her. I just stared at her thinking how bad I just wanted to hold her and how much I love her. Now I am back to feeling sorry for myself again. It is so hard to be around her and look her in the face. I just love her.
Grizz, you need to embrace this moment with W and validate what she is saying. Really listen. She was reaching out to you in this discussion. Go with the conversation and let it go deeper. Even if you think her getting a new job will lead her away from you. Can't believe everything she is saying and don't know exactly what she is thinking. You have to show her you believe in her and are on her side.
You were talking in your recent posts about her enabling friends being on her side. This is an opportunity for you to slowly chip away at possibly getting back on her side. Don't miss out on these opportunities but keep expectations for an immediate positive result low. It is a marathon.
Wow guys! I can't thank you all enough for the amount of responses I have received recently.
Sandi you are correct. My W had her BEST friend question her actions and W essentially told her she would appreciate not discussing the sitch any further and that it was none of her business.
Blake, it is encouraging to read that your sitch is improving. I really do need to get it through my thick skull to believe nothing they say and only half of what they do. All of the snooping, wondering, mind reading does wear me out. It stresses me to no end. I have got to figure out a way to stop it.
Sucker punch, you are right. Why would she talk to someone who didnt agree with her? Deep down, I guess I realize this but it just hurts.
Sailing, my W has told many more people than I have. I know how you feel. Every time I hear she has told someone else, it really upsets me. Not sure why it matters though.
Verygrateful, this IS driving me crazy. I agree that the result is just like snooping. I do need to focus on myself.
On to today: I had a good day at work today. I was upbeat and feeling good. W texted me about being called for a job interview. I am truly happy for her about this but on the flip side, her not having a good job is one of the main reasons that she has not left yet but not the only reason (if I can believe that). Those are her words not mine. She is miserable over her current working situation and has been for a long time. I think this is part of our demise. I was still feeling good until I got home. She was telling me about how awful work is and how she had to get out. I felt so bad for her. I just stared at her thinking how bad I just wanted to hold her and how much I love her. Now I am back to feeling sorry for myself again. It is so hard to be around her and look her in the face. I just love her.
I wanted to laugh at some of the repeatable motions of our "wacky waywards". I'm out of DB-land, I still do it in the relationship I'm in to an extent, but I think the nuetral position of DB'ing has prevented me from achieving as much penetration as I would like in this new relationship.
In any case, I was commenting because I noted that sometimes you get your confidence under you, and things feel fine and at other times you realize how much you love her and then you start to feel miserable.
You get your confidence under you when you start acting and looking at the situation from a single person perspective. With your interst at a high priority and not basing your selfview off of her perception and feedback of you.
You lose your confidence when you stop thinking about yourself, think about how much you love and miss her, perhaps you do some non-stop problem solving trying to figure out how to satiate her or get her to come back. You start looking at her up on a mountain.
You can't put her on a pedestal. Due to her actions you are essentially single. If you are to get back with her, she has to chooose you anyway.
So a no-more mr nice guy approach mixed with an approach of being successful with ladies and treating and taking care of yourself is the way you have to go. She has to choose you, remember that and you are single.
As long as she chooses to be in this position, you have to put yourself first. You also shouldn't be very reliable to this friend who is not being reliable or faithful to you. Everytime you do it you feel bad and your self image gets trashed.
Pretty simple huh?
So use your time to do some things you enjoy to do, take care of yourself, put you around people who like to be around you, do not think or talk about the "situation", maybe one day she will choose you and decide cheating is not her thing. But as long as you coddle her, as long as their is no penalty, as long as she doesn't loose anything why should she stop?
Many of us got stuck in the positions with our wacky waywards where we were supporting their lifestyle choice of having an affair on the marriage, because we are still dependable and responsive to them and still hold them at a high level of priority. So they literally get to have their cake and eat it to. They live in a fantasy land in these affairs, and when they literally get to have two spouses and both ar ok with it, and they cuckhold you against your will - it literally turns them into gods. It really does blow the ego up to epic proportions.
I am on her side about getting a job, it just scares me. When she texted me about the interview my exact response was, "Wow, congrats! Fingers crossed and prayers said." When we were talking tonight I did listen. I kept eye contact the entire time. I would chime in occasionally with a "really, I can't believe they did that, etc.". It just breaks my heart two fold. One that I am losing the love of my life and two, that the love if my life is miserable and I can't help her.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
You did great in the conversation validating W. Your W will remember that kind of positive reaction. Just might not acknowledge it to you immediately.
I know the feeling of not being able to help W. It is frustrating. Be there for her as best you can with compassion, empathy, and gratitude.
Think more on the positive side that you are taking actions to build a new relationship and less on the negative "I am losing the love of my life"
Some of us think you help them more by not helping them. This way they can see that they don't get alot of help from the OP. That they are just a sex-toy to them.
Longshanks, I do need to work on myself more. I also agree that a "friend" would not treat me the way she has recently. I posted earlier that I am not sure if I trust my W. there was alot more to this but the point is if you don't have trust then you can't have a M or friendship. Also, not sure if you were just speaking in generalities but my W has not cheated (that I know of. No evidence of it and I have searched). Just wanted to clear that up since the last part of your post was eluding to affairs/cheating. I do appreciate your insight and input. Thank you for posting.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
You do need to get past the trust and treatment issue. You know you don't trust her and that's fine, but, remember, this is not the woman you married that you're dealing with. I tend to look at it as I've met a new person and am trying to get to know her - actually, as the time has progressed, there seem to have been several versions of her. It's not easy since this person already has a bias against me to begin with. And here's the kicker - she may not even know why.
But if the treatment is really abusive, consider setting some boundaries with her. Let her know what you will and will not be willing to accept.
There are definitely cases where a WAS is certainly justified in their actions - I'm not trying to minimize what many of them may have gone thru with what I'm going to say below. But for the LBS, the corrective action (what they need to do to try and repair the M) is usually the same.
My W has admitted that she doesn't understand why she got so angry, so fast. Fact is, there could be 10,000 reasons why she DID love you, but, WAS/MLCer's tend to cling to just a few reasons why they should be angry. Again, not trying to minimize anyone's experiences, as I KNOW there are certainly legitimate cases where a WAS is most definitely justified in leaving.
But, when you get right down to it - does it really matter to you why? You know what you need to do to get thru this. It's not easy, but, what in life worth having IS EASY?
Again, using my W as an example, when she finally came to me to discuss what her complaints were, I was dumbfounded how anyone could be THAT UNHAPPY for 24 years - she couldn't remember ANY good times. And I had no clue where to begin to fix the problem, since it seemed so all encompassing - look up Ugly Kid Joe's song 'Everything About You' as that about covers it... Just three months later, she was clueless why she was unhappy and angry, she just knew she was.
If you want to see a roller coaster ride, and have time to spare, go make some popcorn and have a read at my thread. Not everything is in there, but, it's enough to get an idea of what you may have to deal with as time goes on. Some are easier, some are worse, I'm sure, and mine is not over. It could go either way at this point - it's been going on now for almost two years; she started distancing in the Spring of 2011.
I tend to look at it as I've met a new person and am trying to get to know her - actually, as the time has progressed, there seem to have been several versions of her. It's not easy since this person already has a bias against me to begin with. And here's the kicker - she may not even know why.
I can relate. Particularly the bias.
Originally Posted By: bblake1968
...Fact is, there could be 10,000 reasons why she DID love you, but, WAS/MLCer's tend to cling to just a few reasons why they should be angry. ...
Again, using my W as an example, when she finally came to me to discuss what her complaints were, I was dumbfounded how anyone could be THAT UNHAPPY for 24 years - she couldn't remember ANY good times. And I had no clue where to begin to fix the problem, since it seemed so all encompassing
My sitch too. W's interpretation of many parts of our life has me scratching my head.
