Compliments & Passive Aggressiveness..Work to do!

[SM34]

I still think their relationship wont work out. She doesnt want to leave our house or get a job. Thd trust factor is going to be impossible for OM as long as she lives with me.

About to sit down to read 5LL.

[Starsky309]

Thank you ladies for the support.

Whats funny is I thought she was mad because I stood up to her but when I got home she acted fine...better than fine.

She asked how my days was, how work went, she was making homemade brocolli cheddar soup. Then she set the table in the formal dinning room Instead of infront of the tv like we always do.

Still wen to her friends house to hang out with OM but not until she did all the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen.

It sure is odd dealing with a WAW!

That was respect.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks for the quick responses guys! Let me address some things.

cbtdad, I'm actually doing something completely different to what I did during our marriage, and during the 2 months after BD. I am showing my wife that I am capable of emotional support, I am giving her the pursuing that she needs in order to feel special etc..

As far as what I am working on for myself, well being emotionally available is one of them. But also working on my 180s which i outlined earlier.

AnotherStander:

Yes my MIL was a WAS who married her AP. BUT, it was COMPLETELY different situation. The problem is my W is seeing that as proof that it CAN work. Here are the deferences:

I read all the differences and I agree, it was a COMPLETELY different situation. MY question is, why do you refer to it SO often?

I think it's b/c it's part of your arsenal of "arguments to convince wife/others that w ought to come back to me".

What matters/what you control, are your changes, not your analysis.

Please see that and discuss THOSE changes, instead of more essays. No offense SM, but you cannot "analyze" or think your way out of something that you thought/analyzed your way into!


1) MIL got pregnant at 17 and FIL is catholic and married her so the child (my wife) would not be an illegitimate child. We got married 9 years after dating and living with each and buying a house together.

2) MIL was unhappy the entire time in the marriage. FIL was verbally abusive to her, and she tried to commit suicide TWICE. My W has had none of that.

3) MIL was sexually abused by her step father when she was young and that messed her up completely. My W had somewhat of a stable home growing up.

4) MIL and her AP knew each other since they were little kids. He was almost FAMILY to her. They were neighbors, family were friends, and she knew him very VERY well and knew exactly what she was leaving her marriage for. My W does not know this OM at all, she assumes that it worked for her MOM so it will work for her.

My MIL has had this same discussion with my W the day after BD. She told her all of these things. But W doesn't want to listen to anyone right now, and if you are on the "wrong" side of her decision, she has already kicked you out of her life.

As far as shorter stay with OM, its not a huge sign. But Laurie did want me to note if that happens, because it might indicate she is choosing how to spend her time a little differently than before. It is all relative to the obssesive nature of the first 3 weeks of the A. She was over there ALL THE TIME. She messaged him ALL THE TIME. She was over there for 4 out of 7 nights in a week. To be down to just one night I think is a good thing right?

SM, no more poll taking. Seriously, you have a DB coach. Don't ask us if it's a good sign or a bad sign.

Please,

Just tell us how to help support YOUR CHANGES & 180s! Again, what are they??

1) Compliments that are sincere and specific...

and...what else?

[25yearsmlc]

GALing I have been spending a lot of time with my D3. I am working to finish projects around the house which was one of my W comlaints. I am reading an MBA book to better my business skills.

I have gone out with friends a few times but need to do it more often. I also havent met new people. I just dont really care ti know so many people really.

STOP HERE^^^..., there is no such thing as GAL, in the long run, that does not involve meeting New people.

Get out of your comfort zone (RUT) and meet some people who do NOT know your wife or your situation. Learn something new, NOT related to your work.

OMG bring something to the table that is interesting and fun. Have you never wanted to learn a new language, take a class, audition for something, learn a sport, volunteer and all the other things we have discussed? What happened to the cooking class you mentioned before?

Saying "I dont' really like meeting new people" is VERY telling and to me, it reminds me of what Adinva said earlier.

The "instruction manual" is not so handy when meeting new people (though if you read Dale Carnegie's timeless book on "How to Win Friends & influence People," you can't go wrong). But it reveals another thing for you to do that will also take your mind off all this nonsense. You obsess A LOT.

And you post "Essays" that are meant to illuminate but I think = ruminate.

My point is, get out and do something different and meet new, different people and do not judge them or dismiss them b/c they are different than you.



I like to read etc.. not hang out with people and make small talk. I need to make an effort a this though.

YES of course you must make an effort. What's with the bleak description of that? Instead of assuming you must "hang out" and engage in "small talk", why not try establishing a meaningful connection with someone? There are interesting people who like stimulating discussions. Join a "Current Events" group.

Given how you view friendly confident western women, and assume they are "hitting" on you when they say "hi", or recall your name or drink, or are paid to massage you, I suggest you limit these new connections to men.

I do think that^^ perspective may be a cultural issue for you. In Egypt I imagine women are not as outgoing towards men in general society, unless they want marriage...or something ELSE...??

But let me tell you, I'm one of 9 very extroverted children. I was born after 4 brothers (& more came later) who played with me growing up. I've always been very comfortable around men b/c those were my buddies and friends growing up. My sister was 6 years older than me & back then, that was a big age difference.

Sometimes my extroversion was misconstrued and it was often misconstrued by a foreigner. When I joined the military to join my h, (b/c my h owed the military for his medical school) I was surrounded almost only by men. Men expressed interest in me but that was that. No one went nuts on me.

As an officer, it helped to maintain some distance. But frankly, I just don't let myself think a man is hitting on me, unless it's so overt that it is impossible to misinterpret. THEN i address it. Usually I could head it off before they embarrassed themselves or me, b/c I always mentioned my h in conversations. Somehow, I managed.

As far as self esteem, I have been keeping myself looking good. I am also working to make my business more successful becuase that is a HUGE source of self esteem for me. It just saw happens that my W is attracted to my drive and determination to succeed so that is a bonus. I am generally a much more confident and pleasant person when I feel successful.

well, we all are^^ more confident and pleasant when we feel successful. I mean, who isn't?

The key is to learn to love and accept yourself, warts and all. Meaning, everyone fails at something. From Abe Lincoln to the World Champion tennis players.

You gotta still love yourself when the chips are down, just like you still have to be there for your friends, and your d, when they fail. You still have to know your core value, which is NOT attached to winning or succeeding in business...

To be more attractive I have been working out and dressing btter. Wife has always been a fashion person and I not at all. So I am trying to bridge that gap but honestly its not easy. Fashion is definiteoy not natural to me.

I look forward to hearing about your GAL activities and new areas. It'll help you reduce the analysis/paralysis and increase the PMA big time. And it will make you less predictable to your w, a bit mysterious and maybe more interesting.

But that's NOT WHY YOU DO IT. See the paradox? You do it for you...

[SM34]

25 thank you for your response. Yes I need to get on the GAL and meeting new people.

I like the idea of a current events group. Never heard of it.

As far as where my family is from, I hesitated to disclose that for fear it would become the center of our analysis of me. I really dont have much of a link tovthat culture aside from some core values... such as marriage

Since the age of 3, all of my friends were british. In high school, out of an entire school of 500 people there were only a handful of middle eastern folks and they all didnt identify with their culture of origin either. I spent a month every summer in Egypt with my cousins.

From the age of 14 until college all my girlfriends were british. Then I moved here and they were american. I have never had a middle eastern gilfriend.

So I think I learned my social queues from british folks. The way they interact is vastly different to here. However, I have become less social since I moved here and that needs to change.

I need to GAL in ways that involv meeting new people as you said. I have no issue with GAL that makes me happy, I have been doing plenty of that and my attitude is positive...

Will see what I can find on the interest groups stuff, otherwise I will go back to the cooking idea.

[leopoldstotch]

SM I'm trying to catch up on this thread. I'm on page 4 and you have gotten some excellent advise thus far that I agree with. I'll post when I'm up to speed.

[leopoldstotch]

I still think their relationship wont work out. She doesnt want to leave our house or get a job. Thd trust factor is going to be impossible for OM as long as she lives with me.

About to sit down to read 5LL.

Thinking that is a mistake. She doesn't want to leave or get a job because she doesn't have to. Why are you speculating again?

[25yearsmlc]

didn't she just say "get used to it, OM's not going anywhere..."

So, what does that mean to you?

To me, it means she does not plan on ending it anytime soon.

Get busy GAL and stay on your track until YOU feel the need to make a stand.

[AnotherStander]

I still think their relationship wont work out. She doesnt want to leave our house or get a job. Thd trust factor is going to be impossible for OM as long as she lives with me.

Maybe I'm misreading when you say stuff like this so let me just ask you, do you think that if you wait long enough she'll just get tired of OM and come back to you to reconcile? I definitely agree with you that the A is not going to last. It'll bomb at some point. But I'm not sure she'll see you as the better option so much as go seek out a different OM.

I just don't get the impression that you are doing anything different. You've talked a lot about what GAL activities you're going to start some day, but I haven't seen you talk about any that you've started or are actively involved in. 99% of your posts are all about analyizing and scrutinizing your W's every move- what it means, how it compares to historical data, where it puts her on the timeline, etc. etc. etc. I don't know for sure, but I suspect this is "more of the same" behavior for you, you were probably like this in the M. Michele talks about in DR how we are creatures of habit, and how we insist that we've "tried everything" but that if we really take a hard, unbiased look at what we are doing we discover that we're really doing the same old thing over and over again but giving it a different name or changing it only slightly to convince ourselves it's something different. All that does is frustrate us because we don't understand why it doesn't work. It doesn't work because it is MORE OF THE SAME!!!!

After all this time I think you are still engaging in more of the same behavior. I've offered you this challenge before, but here it is again: how about you just quit posting here for a while- a few days, maybe a week; and take that time to actually do something to get a life? Take that first step!! Quit obsessing over this! Detach! Give it a try, you will be surprised to find how much it helps. And then you'll know why we keep telling you that you have to do this to heal yourself and maybe your M.

[Tallula]

^^^^^THIS^^^^^^