Thank you all. Yes I have to stay in the house. My S5 and to a lesser degree S8 do not want to be alone with him right now--either that or they don't want to be away from me. Remember H very suddenly disappeared while they were sleeping. I think the little one is afraid that I will disappear too. He can only take H in very small doses on his own(like 3 minutes). S5 won't even come to the phone when H calls to say goodnight.
Also I do not trust H in the house. It's the only place I have left that is "safe". As soon as I walk out my door or even by a window I get the feeling I am being observed by the OW who lives across the street. Too many times I have literally put my key in the door coming home and the phone is ringing and it is H. Not a coincidence. I try not to be paranoid but I feel like I am living in a fishbowl sometimes. H has lied so many many many times I don't feel comfortable with him going through my things or documents or maybe he would take things that mean a lot to me (photos, keepsakes).
Detaching detaching detaching. I am coming to understand he has done me a favor in many ways. Reflecting upon all of this nonsense makes me wonder how long I could wait for him to make the necessary changes for us to be able to restore our marriage. Surely I'd be on to greener pastures by the time he was able to do that much work on himself. Sorry if it sounds like I'm so great and he's a mess. I know I have lots to work on, too. But it's sort of true.
On Thursday night it will be 4 weeks. It has been a HUGE change for us and since H and I never fought I truly believe the boys were especially blindsided.
Last night the boys and I went to Rainbows. It's a national program for kids (and parents)which is free of charge to help families transition after loss of a family member due to death, divorce, abandonment, etc. The kids absolutely loved it. Helped them to see that they're not the only ones. They can't wait to go back. Some of the people have been going for years--helps build self-esteem and helps everyone reflect and share feelings better. They served snacks and I realized my boys are vultures. Very obvious I don't let them eat Doritos at home and they inhaled bag after bag. They went into their first session with orange mouths, hands and shirts (where they wiped their hands). A proud mommy moment for me
Also I saw one of my friends (we are both leaders in a local organization--I haven't seen her in a few months since she has been going through a divorce herself). I walked up to her and said, "Surprise!" and she looked at me and burst into tears. She said--I never would have guessed ever, no, no no. not you too! A sad moment. Was grateful for the support. I haven't told many people...
