If my w asks me how Im feeling, what is the appropriate response? Whenever I find myself in this sitch, I never know what to say? Is that a boundary I should have? Is it inappropriate for was to ask lbs how their feeling?
Me:46 W:40 M:10 T:17 D:9 S:6 BD:12/11 ILYBINILWY:8/12 Served 2/13 I moved out 2/13 I moved back 6/13 W moved out 9/13
I don't that should not be a boundary, but really, only you can decide that for yourself.
I would suggest, if you haven't already, reading DR & DB. If you have, read them again and start acting 'as-if' you are ready to move on with your life with or without her and GAL!!!. But be cordial, friendly and loving when dealing with your W.
It's not easy, and it's not fun - at first. But it IS necessary, and eventually you really WILL get to that point. And everyone else id right about friends and family - great for idle chit-cat, not so much for R talk. They will all have a bias, and while that may be good for initial support, it's not so great for DB'ing.
I've found myself numerous times asking myself why I said this or that to a friend, after all they did was trash my W. That wasn't what I was looking for - an impartial opinion is what I was looking for...
If my w asks me how Im feeling, what is the appropriate response? Whenever I find myself in this sitch, I never know what to say? Is that a boundary I should have? Is it inappropriate for was to ask lbs how their feeling?
I'm not quite getting this. Why is this confusing? Is this a normal "hey, how are you?" statement or a "how do you feel about your life?" question?
A simple 'I'm fine, how are you doing?" is sufficient.
Agreed. I think you are reading way too much into it.
For example, if my W asked me "how are you doing?" my response would most likely be "awesome!" If she asked me "how do you feel about me divorcing you?" the answer would be significantly different.
It's a mindset thing really. You can not want the D and still be great separate from that. The D, or the M, doesn't define you...
Journal.......Things have been more civil since I rented the apt. I haven't moved in yet, but I guess in my w eyes, just making that move has allowed her to feel that I've listened to her and respected her.
In the last month her best friend admitted to her husband that she wasn't in love with him and she told him she had an affair with another man. He admitted himself into a mental hospital for a week and went on alot of mind drugs, He came out a week later and they started intensive therapy together and separate, He then moved out temporarily for a month and stated a blog, He shared the blog with my w and she shared it with me, He took full responsibility for her affair and highlighted all his shortcomings that led to it. She then told me how awesome it was that he was doing all the right things and how she wished I would have done the same. She told me that I should have gone on antidepressants like him.I told her I was sorry for the way I acted.
Tomorrow she is taking our daughter to a play with her family and she didn't buy a ticket for me because at the time she bought the tickets we where fighting and she didn't want our sitch to get in the way of our daughters birthday. I told her I understood.
I know I shouldn't have acted the way I did the past 6 months. I was in alot of pain emotionally and I couldn't control myself. I'am still crying, just not around w anymore.
I know I need to look at myself in all of this, but I can't stop myself from thinking that in my sitch and her friends husbands sitch, neither of us were dancing alone. It seems unfair to me that my w and her friend get to blame all the problems on the men. I feel like both my w and her friend are not taking responsibility for their part in all of this. To me it seems like in a marriage, both people need to take responsibility for the breakdown. I have a problem believing that in my case its all my fault and also in his case the same. It doesn't feel right to me to just be the one to blame. This is something I need to resolve asap.
Is it my ego thats messing with me, or do I have a legitimate point here? Do I have to always suck it up if I want to have a good marriage? I know I need to work on my anger, my damaged inner child, my ability to deal with financial pressure, my belief in my own ability to grow and do better. I feel overwhelmed sometimes and just want to live without the stress of all this. I just want to be loved for who I'am now, I don't want to feel like I'm not good enough, or that I need to change into something or someone I'm not. I know I'm a good man, I never cheated and I value family and commitment. I know emotionally I need to grow and I think I'am growing through all of this. I just wish my w would stop critiquing me and only spotlighting my deficiencies in her eyes. I wish she could see the good in me. I believe we need to love the good and the bad in ourselves and the ones we love. We are all human and we are all flawed. I'am trying to grow. I'am working on myself. I'am a good father to my kids, I'am working hard to make money to support my family. I'am supporting my w the best I can, even though she is not acting like my w anymore.
Me:46 W:40 M:10 T:17 D:9 S:6 BD:12/11 ILYBINILWY:8/12 Served 2/13 I moved out 2/13 I moved back 6/13 W moved out 9/13
I know I need to look at myself in all of this, but I can't stop myself from thinking that in my sitch and her friends husbands sitch, neither of us were dancing alone. It seems unfair to me that my w and her friend get to blame all the problems on the men. I feel like both my w and her friend are not taking responsibility for their part in all of this. To me it seems like in a marriage, both people need to take responsibility for the breakdown. I have a problem believing that in my case its all my fault and also in his case the same. It doesn't feel right to me to just be the one to blame. This is something I need to resolve asap.
To me, M is a 50/50 deal....but you have to take 100% responsibility for your 50. W probably isn't going to look at her 50 at the same time you do, and you throwing it in her face will not get her to look at it any more than all the things she did over the course of your M to try to get you to look at yours. So focus on yours for now and stop worrying about hers.
Originally Posted By: dorightman
I know I need to work on my anger, my damaged inner child, my ability to deal with financial pressure, my belief in my own ability to grow and do better.
Sounds like that's plenty to keep you busy with in the short term....get to work and stop worrying about what is "fair."
Originally Posted By: dorightman
I know I'm a good man, I never cheated and I value family and commitment.
Yeah, me too....didn't make my M great. They are good things, but they are more of a foundation. You have to have walls and a roof too or you'll still freeze to death.
" I have a problem believing that in my case its all my fault and also in his case the same. It doesn't feel right to me to just be the one to blame. This is something I need to resolve asap. "
It isn't, but you can only control your contribution to it. In fact if you haven't shown consistent, lasting changes to problems you know of with you, it may explain why she may not be putting effort into the R right now (maybe not fair, but at least understandable).
You can also try to be patient with her and realize that she needs to deal with her problems on her own timescale, not on one you would like to see.
"Is it my ego thats messing with me, or do I have a legitimate point here?"
I'd say it's your self-pity that's getting in the way. Gets in my way too. It's unfair right now. It may be for some time. You want the M to work. You need to put in the work on yourself. It will help you, no matter the outcome of all of this. Put W's criticisms of you out of your mind. Change what you know to be wrong, and what has contributed to this. As others like to say on this forum, be the person only a fool would want to leave.
H: 38 xW: 38 M: 16 T: 18 S: 9 BD: 2/2012 W moved out 4/2012 D: 11/2012
