Once a muse...

[SugarBaby31]

I don't know what happened to my last thread, but here I go again.

Here are the deets:
Following the birth of our S, we started to have issues. We have a business together and traveled a lot for work (work in entertainment industry). After S was born, I stayed home. Naturally over time, because of the distance and the challenges I experienced as a new mom, we grew apart. We argued a lot, I believe it may have been a bit of post-partum for me and due to his stress on the road. There had been numerous EA while married and a few PA since separated. We separated in Nov two days prior to the birth of D. At present, H is living the life, enjoying all the perks that fame has to offer. Despite, this, God has given me to capacity to forgive his past transgressions and revealed my share of issues. I'm on a mission to win my husband back, inch by inch!

He has relocated for work, it's a huge career advancing opportunity. I'm on the fence about flying with the kids to visit and the frequency of these visits. Per our last conversation, he wants to "move on" but we'll see how things go when he returns. He will come back home in July. I need all the help I can get to get my act together, get my mojo back, and make sure he moves back home and be the man of integrity I once knew.

Can it be done? With our limited phone and text interaction about work and kids?

[makingmagic]

Hi JPnL.... welcome, I am newbie too & just wanted to empathize with you as, I too own a business together with my h... and wonder how to detach & go "dim" while still managing our responsibilities... Your business transactions seem different than mine however, as you do not seem to require daily calls/messages that keep me believing and in hope. Sometimes I am greatful for the silly messages, as something are better than nothing. And yet, at other times... i just wish he would go away, along with all the hurt/rejection I feel.

I hope one of the moderators or other members answer you soon. I have been waiting several days. I am learning "patience".

Take care,
waitingformagic

[SugarBaby31]

Hi WFM, thus far I've tried to make our interactions as smooth and positive as possible--acting "as if". Also, I do try to keep it short and sweet. It's been working to my benefit as I'm seeing that he has been more interested, engaging in more personal conversations.

[SugarBaby31]

I've officially been DB for 2 weeks and I'm slowly but surely seeing changes in the right direction. Because of my faith, I feel like I have an edge in understanding what the DR is telling me to do--I have to experience a "renewing of the mind" and be consistent.

On Saturday, H visited the kids and had the audacity to have the OW drop him off and pick him up at MY house. He claims she is just a friend but I know that is not the truth. The old JPnL would be outraged and confronted him, but this was the time to shine and act "as if" I had no clue and be pleasant, upbeat, and funny. During the visit, I was tending to my things around the house while he played with the kids in the playroom. Every so often, he would come and linger in the kitchen striking up conversation. I saw glimpses of the old H, such a contrast to the man that was so cold and distant the last time I saw him. After he left, I texted him and thanked him for hanging with the kids. Our exchanges were funny and upbeat!

GAL, detaching and finding inspiration has really given me the confidence I need to be the real JPnL...the attractive, independent, beautiful woman I am. I also see the physical distance working to my advantage because I truly can detach and be my own person. I hope I can keep it up!

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[Breakdown]

GAL, detaching and finding inspiration has really given me the confidence I need to be the real JPnL...the attractive, independent, beautiful woman I am. I also see the physical distance working to my advantage because I truly can detach and be my own person. I hope I can keep it up!

Sounds like you are doing really good. Keep it up! What are your goals for you? What do you want to work on?

Are you GAL? This is really important!

What were the problems in the M? You mentioned the travel and distance, but what were the arguments about?

[AnotherStander]

We separated in Nov two days prior to the birth of D.

WOW!! So sorry to hear that, I really don't understand how any husband could leave around the time a baby is being born when the woman needs as much help and support as possible. Seems like an incredibly selfish thing to do.

Can it be done? With our limited phone and text interaction about work and kids?

It's definitely a challenge when distance is involved, but stick with DB'ing principals and there may be a chance.

Hi WFM, thus far I've tried to make our interactions as smooth and positive as possible--acting "as if". Also, I do try to keep it short and sweet. It's been working to my benefit as I'm seeing that he has been more interested, engaging in more personal conversations.

Good, just keep it up! Don't be rude or cold, but do act like you're preoccupied. Don't always answer when he calls. Don't always respond right away when he texts or emails.

The old JPnL would be outraged and confronted him, but this was the time to shine and act "as if" I had no clue and be pleasant, upbeat, and funny.

That's great, but the point isn't to act like you don't have a clue, it is to act like you know EXACTLY what is going on but you're not letting it get to you because you're moving on with or without him.

After he left, I texted him and thanked him for hanging with the kids. Our exchanges were funny and upbeat!

Great! Now keep that up, don't backslide by asking about the M! Keep ALL talk with him light and fluffy!

GAL, detaching and finding inspiration has really given me the confidence I need to be the real JPnL...the attractive, independent, beautiful woman I am. I also see the physical distance working to my advantage because I truly can detach and be my own person. I hope I can keep it up!

Excellent, sounds like you're doing quite well, good job!

[SugarBaby31]

Goals:
1) Enjoy my 2 young children and be the best possible mommy I can be.
2) Spend more time loving my family and friends.
3) Find balance between being a single mom, PT business owner, and possibly student--get organized with schedules.
4) Get more plugged in with my church and discover who God created me to be.
5) Continue working out 2-3 times a week.
6) Decorate my home--H bought us our dream home 2 weeks prior to separation.

M problems:
1) I think like most marriages, I felt unappreciated and he felt overwhelmed. He traveled and worked A LOT, while I handled all of the parenting, home and business responsibilities. I would express my frustrations with our lop-sided situation and he would receive it as I'm being unsupportive of his career. We weren't hearing each others needs or meeting them.
2) He handled the frustrations by seeking validation and attention outside of our marriage. In each instance when I learned of the EAs, I never truly forgave since trust wasn't being rebuilt--there was no transparency or change in behavior. I was riddled with suspicion and anger, arguing more and more with him.
3) In the past year, I observed changes in his peers. Our friends used to be married couples, w/ kids, mostly Christian. He started to spend more time with single men that had completely different responsibilities and beliefs.
4) Without sharing too much info, H was on a televised talent competition this past year. Following it, the fame he received changed the once grounded man I knew. His priorities shifted away from God and work.

[SugarBaby31]

The old JPnL would be outraged and confronted him, but this was the time to shine and act "as if" I had no clue and be pleasant, upbeat, and funny.

That's great, but the point isn't to act like you don't have a clue, it is to act like you know EXACTLY what is going on but you're not letting it get to you because you're moving on with or without him.

Just out of curiosity, do some DB-ers get to a point where they actually move on and no longer want the marriage?

[SugarBaby31]

Journaling:

H and I have had little contact since he returned to work, mostly about work and once about the kids. It makes me so sad that his busy schedule and this "fog" has caused him to miss so much of the kids growing up. He rarely asks about them.

When I first approached this 5 month time apart, it made me ache to my stomach but I see more and more that it's really helping me detach. Maybe too well. The thought of H with the OW used to stab me in the heart. Thinking about it today, it's like thinking about a friend who is destroying their life with terrible choices. SMH

Speaking of the OW, I've learned of 2 since we separated. One was brief, the other is on-going. H doesn't know that I know details. H told me that he would tell me if he started seeing someone but has yet to disclose anything. Why? Is it not that serious? Does he know that what he is doing is wrong and still can't bear to be honest with me? Does he fear hurting me? Or, is he trying to keep the door at home open? Too many questions I won't get answers to...at least not now. All I know now is that I can only control the way I respond to him if/when he tells me, which will be somewhere along the lines of, "I appreciate your honesty. Thank you for telling me."

I'm finally getting a grasp of being a single mom, which was a huge subject of argument for H and I. I was overwhelmed with all the responsibilities I was juggling. Now, I just have to jump right in and not get so frustrated. I can choose my reaction and behavior toward the sitch. I don't have any support from family, I'm flying solo raising these kids. But I can do it. With the grace of God I can and have to.

Interesting turn of events, H called me last two nights in a row. Monday he phoned at 11:30pm, well after work ended around 9pm. I didn't answer and he didn't leave a message. Last night he called at 9:30pm leaving a message to the effect of "Hi, just wanted to see how you're doing. Its been a while since we talked..." I didn't answer for two reasons 1) It's late and the kids are in bed and 2) It's time to not be so available to H, I have a life too. First thing this morning he texted to see how I was, mentioned something about calling last night and not hearing back, and lastly asking why I unfriended him on FB, wondering if I as mad at him. Hmm. Wow, this is a different. I was pleasant with H, keeping the replies short, apologizing for not getting back to him sooner, explaining I was busy. About FB, I simply said that I thought I was doing us both a favor based on our last R conversation. I assured him we didn't need to be FB friends to be friends with a ":-)" at the end. He responded with relief and says he wanted to share about work. H also asked to speak with S2 this evening. After considering this carefully, I responded enthusiastically that S2 would love to speak with him, but we will try. H pleaded that I "make time" and I suggested he phone us at the said time. Moments later he texts back "Yes!!!". Is this my old H, not the shell that would show it's face around my house for the past 3 months? We shall see.

The exchange reminds me of a book I read while in college "The Rules about Dating". I remember playing hard to get and training the guy to see that my time was valuable--eventually they would get the hint and purse. That's exactly how I hooked H because I knew he was "the one". DB is "The Rules" 2.0 but in much more meaningful way because it's not just strategy, but I true change in behavior and thinking. I already feel like more a dignified and respectable woman for it.