So I have taken a break from posting for a while. But now I am back. I have had a new sense of clarity recently. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to put up with the rejection anymore. I am not afraid to be alone anymore ( been alone now since last July). I am not afraid of D anymore. Its weird to have come to this part of my journey. Its like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I always thought I wanted to save my M, but now I realize its really over. My H is so different now.
In fact, I have been researching D in Virginia. I have 2 recommendations for Lawyers. Although I haven't called yet. I have been gathering the required documents you need to get started.
I was ready to sit down and share my new feelings with H last week. But then he lost is biggest client, so I decided to wait a few days. I had an apt scheduled with a DB coach today. We had a great session discussion the various reactions he might have and how I should respond. I feel ready to do this but H is in NY at the moment. At least I think he is, was supposed to come home last night or stay through tomorrow, but he didn't tell me.
Then today, I was working from home and tripped going down the stairs. So I think I have sprained my ankle. I thought I was going to be fine. But now I have woken in the middle of the night and am in pain and it hurts to walk.
I am debating to text H to see if he is back and if he can help with the kids in the morning. Since S6 is in kindergarten, I have to walk him to the bus stop. I could also ask a neighbor to help. This is seriously bad timing.
Any advice on how to start the D conversation. H brought up wanting a D last spring. But then last fall, said that he didn't want a D. BUt hasn't really done anything to want a M either. So I think he is going to be surprised when I bring this up.
I am ready to be done with limbo and start a new chapter in my life.
Me 38 H 39 M13 T18 S6 S9 Bomb Drop 11/11 Moved Out 7/12 Still have hope. No OW that I know of..
So had a strange week. First on Monday, I tripped going down the stairs and sprained my foot. Now I have to a boot - ugh!. Anyway, on Tuesday evening, H was home for dinner. We had a regular night. He left at 9:15. at 9:30 the electricity went out, there were loud explosions and then the lights went out. The transformers had blown down the street and it was so load. So of course the kids heard it and it was so loud. So they came running down the stairs, terrified. They had been playing with my phone earlier in the evening so it was dead. Normally, I would have gone up stairs and charged it but with my foot, I was trying not to walk as much so I didn't bother. SO I walked to my neighbors and to use her phone and see if we could stay with H. The kids really wanted to. When I called, I was standing in my friends living room that was pitch black. Both kids were clinging to me. When I asked H if we could stay with him, he started to push back and told me the kids should be in bed. That the next morning would be a pain, etc. So I took that as more rejection and push back and hung up. Well H did not like that. So we started calling and texting my phone. I had plugged it into my laptop, so when I got back from the neighbors it was back on. So I saw the texts, I couldn't believe how nasty it was. Asking me why I hung up. That I never listen to him, he didn't say no, etc. If we wanted to come over, we could etc. That he can't read my mind. Seriously, what is there to read. I asked him if we could come over because the kids were scared. Whatever. So I was angry that he didn't say yes right away. Even if he doesn't want to be a husband, he should be a father. It was so strange. I remained very calm and didn't' send any nasty texts like he did. I just explained my feelings best as I could. So then H didn't text me all the next day. Finally at 3, I get a text, so how is your foot and when did the electricity come one. Its just so strange. But I am angry and finally am ready to move on.
Me 38 H 39 M13 T18 S6 S9 Bomb Drop 11/11 Moved Out 7/12 Still have hope. No OW that I know of..
So I have taken a break from posting for a while. But now I am back. I have had a new sense of clarity recently. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to put up with the rejection anymore. I am not afraid to be alone anymore ( been alone now since last July). I am not afraid of D anymore. Its weird to have come to this part of my journey. Its like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I always thought I wanted to save my M, but now I realize its really over. My H is so different now.
Well it sounds like it's put you into a better place, so I am happy for you. Sorry it had to come to this, but it's good that you're finally feeling in control again!
Regarding the convo with H, that sounded like a real tool move on his part. I know that if my W had called me with the same issue I wouldn't have hesitated for a second before telling her to head on over.
So H and I had a big talk last night. The first relationship talk in a long time. He texted me asking if we could discuss what happened the other night because he was really upset about it. I texted back and said yes, I agree we need to talk about it. So when we got home, the kids were watching TV and we started to talk. He said he was really mad that I hung up and didn't give him a chance to talk. That he didn't say No and that I don't listen to him. That he needs to reason through things sometimes. So very calmly I explained my feelings. That I felt that his version of reasoning was push back and that made me feel more rejected. I just didn't want to hear more rejection so I hung up. I told him that i appreciated that he explained what he was doing but did he see where I was coming from. He said we can agree to disagree. He is very practical and he thought the kids should just go to bed rather than go to his place at that time of night.
He apologized and so did I.
For a few weeks now i have wanted to sit down and tell him that I am ready to move on. I held back because it was S9 birthday and then my H lost his biggest client. That brought us to this week. So last night I took the opportunity to talk about my feelings. I started out by saying that we need to discuss our relationship. I told him that I have built up anger and resentment and that it was unhealthy for me. That I need to just let go and move on. I have started exploring the D process. At first, he agreed but didn't offer anything to contribute to the conversation. Then he started to say that he has been trying.
His definition of him trying is being here for the family and he bought me a few gifts. He shows up a night to help make dinner and does some grocery shopping. He leaves at 9pm every night after the kids go to bed. However, I take care of everything else. BUt I agreed with him that he has been making an effort with the kids and that I appreciated it. But he still didn't want to do anything with me. Thats what hurts the most. There is no husband/wife relationship. I said I wanted to go out on dates or for coffee and be included in his events. He had told me in the past that he wasn't inviting me to anything because he didn't want to lead me on. It was a strange conversation. It was very calm, there was no yelling. I kept everything to I-statements and I tried not to blame in anyway. BUt he kept trying to turn the conversation by saying that because I feel rejected that he is the bad guy for abandoning me. He feels bad about it but can't change his feelings.
He told me that since I am injured I should take the weekend off, so he is taking kids all weekend. Then he looked at the calendar and said, well you take them next weekend and I will take the weekend after. I said that sounds great. Then after a while, he came around and said the weekend of March 16th can be a regular weekend, meaning we can spend it as a family.
We ended the conversation with that he would think about what we discussed. So now its up to God. I am at peace either way. I just know that I don't want to continue with what we have today. I am ready to move forward with my life. So i get this weekend off. First weekend in 9 months and I feel giddy, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I get to sleep in....
I plan to give him a few days. Next week I receive my bonus from work and I am opening up my own bank account to put that straight in. There is a lot to consider in the D process, I am in no rush.
Me 38 H 39 M13 T18 S6 S9 Bomb Drop 11/11 Moved Out 7/12 Still have hope. No OW that I know of..
So I had a great weekend with no kids. The kids slept at Hs place. So I went shopping all day yesterday. Then I watched a movie and ordered sushi. Then a friend called and we went out to a few bars. She ran in to a friend of her brothers. He was with a group of people, that were all divorced. This was fascinating for me. I realized that there are other people out there. I don't deserve to be treated this way. I ended up having a great time. On Sunday, I drove out to the country and visited a friend and went to a winery. Again, I had a blast. She also told me that when I am ready that she has a few single men that she would introduce me to. I am not anywhere near ready for that, but its nice to know that the option is there.
Anyway. H texted me a few times with pictures of the kids. There were doing touristy stuff. When I got home. H was making dinner for us. He had been to the fish market. He made shrimp, mussels. salmon and roasted brussels spouts. All my favorites. It was quite the feast.It was really nice of him to make such a nice dinner. I don't know what to think of that. On Thursday, I had told him that I was ready to file. I feel like he is totally ignoring our discussion. At this point, I think I will give him until next week and then bring it up again. Next weekend is supposed to my weekend with the kids. H is going out on a to an event with all the neighborhood guys. I am surprised H is going to be honest. He mostly avoids neighborhood events.
How long should I wait until I bring up filing again, do you think I should wait until next weekend?
Me 38 H 39 M13 T18 S6 S9 Bomb Drop 11/11 Moved Out 7/12 Still have hope. No OW that I know of..
