I agree with KG's suggestions in the first part of her message, about IC (individual counselling) and how the R with OW is just a fantasy, not reality, and that's why it all seemed so wonderful. (Dr Shirley Glass says - "the grass on the other side of the fence looks greener because you don't have to mow it.")
however, I strongly disagree with the 2nd part of KG's message. "transparency" means answering all of your wife's questions honestly. also, not to hide anything - e.g. if you accidentally ran into OW in town or at work, then mentioning this to your wife in a matter-of-fact way is better than if your wife might find out about it otherwise and then worry that you are still hiding things from her.
but, to volunteer that you still have strong feelings for OW - that would simply be hurtful to your wife, but would not in any way help with healing. this is the thing that your wife is most worried about, that you might still have feelings for OW, that you might care about OW more than you care about your wife, etc. you don't need to increase your wife's worry by volunteering this.
now if, for example, your wife *asks* you whether you still have feelings for OW - then you should certainly answer truthfully, but in a way that will reassure her. not in a way that would increase her worry. e.g. (if the following is true): "yes, I still do have strong feelings for OW, but I realize that my R with her was just a fantasy, and I am working with the counsellor in IC to get over these feelings because I really care about you more than I ever cared about OW."
regarding KG's statement that "She will need to be ok with the fact that it will take time before OW is completely out of your mind" and expecting your wife to "hang in there and respect the cheating spouse's loss and healing process." - I disagree, your wife is not your counsellor, and right now she is hurting too much for you to expect her to be "understanding" about your loss. it is your counsellor's job to work with you on your feelings towards OW, and your wife doesn't need the extra burden.
