The Waiting is the Hardest Part

[tori2012]

Wow! I'd love to take your class, FY. Good for you!

Keep doing things that bring you joy. Keep expanding and growing and living life to the fullest regardless of your sitch.

My best wishes to you, but I already know you'll do great!

[reachingHigher]

Wish me the best, I'm nervous!

Congratulations on this opportunity! I'm wishing you the best

It seems like a win-win situation. I have always loved to see people doing something very well...something that is their passion. I think it can be a real turn-on for a woman to see a man that way...especially in an area that is physical. Maybe W will take note?

Also...great for you to have something new to turn to...organizing and running the class...will help with perspective for you. I'm really so glad your company is offering this chance for you.

Be sure to let us know how things are developing.

[ForeverYoung]

Thanks VG, Tori, RH and all of you following along!

Yesterday morning when I told W about getting the green light for my TKD class, she didn't seem all too impressed about it, which was as I expected. As I detailed a few of the ideas I had for my pre-class presentation, she shot down one of them in a sarcastic manner. Even though I didn't care much for the delivery, it turned out she did have a good point! We discussed it a few minutes longer and her remaining comments were civil and helpful.

We then each did our own thing for several hours. Having this separate space seems key to our co-existance right now. Later in the afternoon, I told W my plans to go to the hardware store to pickup a part I needed for a plumbing repair, and said I also was planning to stop at the coffee shop. I asked her if she wanted to join me.

She offered a very non-excited, almost dejected "Yeah, why not." I resisted the urge to say "That's the spirit!"

While out, she started to open up a bit, telling me about her night out with GF last night. GF, the same age as my W, was divorced more than ten years ago after only one year in her first and only M. She recently dropped her steady BF of 3 years, but he is still pursuing her in an unattractive manner that both girls agree is not going to work. Interesting that my W can tell me all this.

She's also training for a running race in April, and planning a resort vacation with GF. Her and GF did a trip together last year, and both agreed W is in a much better place to enjoy herself this year.

Two of W's comments which help explain what's going on in her mind were:

I just have to keep moving, can't stop.

I need to stop existing and start living.

Nothing new to me, but an insight for others as to the way many of our spouses feel, I thought. There is a real searching for meaning and purpose, and a realization that time is running short to find it. Certainly all we can do is let them go.

She is in pain, but not nearly as much as she was this time last year.

While talking with me, her eye contact is split between looking off to the side, and occassionally looking into my eyes. I try to mirror her, and not spent too much time looking directly at her.

Flipping through the radio stations in the car, she got very excited when she found "I will wait for you". I know the words of songs are very important to her, and she is drawn to lyrics which describe how she feels. Lately, I've heard her play this song on her iPad several times a day, sometimes when first entering the room where I am. I'm going to take it as a sign she wants me to continue waiting. It can't hurt, right?

The only thing I can do right now is stay the course, and continue to not apply any pressure to her. She's still here, and comfortable enough not to leave. Yay, for roller coasters!

[reachingHigher]

There is a real searching for meaning and purpose, and a realization that time is running short to find it.

This has been a continuing theme for my H, also.

I asked her if she wanted to join me.

She offered a very non-excited, almost dejected "Yeah, why not." I resisted the urge to say "That's the spirit!"

Funny! And you mentioned she sarcastically shot down your idea, but had a good point.

Somehow, FY, I can picture you and W in better days in the past. I know you had a great connection. I'm so glad you are continuing to wait for her, difficult as it is in the moment.

This class will be good for you both, I think, even if just to pass the time as you wait. Remember, we can't hurry up the MLC journey, but we can slow it down. You are doing fantastic with a heart of gold and a good sense of humor!

rH

[VeryGrateful]

FY,

Do you have times where you feel like you want to plead and beg for your old wife to come back? I understand that if things work out a whole new relationship would need to be built and it's slow steps. So I know it's not best to fall back to old relationship because that is doomed. I'm just talking about the old wife's demeanor. Just more warmth. A sign that things will work out. I have seen on Sandi's posts not to look for that but sometimes (I am human) you want that so bad.

[ForeverYoung]

FY,

Do you have times where you feel like you want to plead and beg for your old wife to come back? I understand that if things work out a whole new relationship would need to be built and it's slow steps. So I know it's not best to fall back to old relationship because that is doomed. I'm just talking about the old wife's demeanor. Just more warmth. A sign that things will work out. I have seen on Sandi's posts not to look for that but sometimes (I am human) you want that so bad.

Beg and plead? No, not one bit. I learned from materials I found early on that that only pushes them away, so I showed very little of that behavior.

As for wanting signs that things will work out, heck yeah! Everyday!

You're right, the uncertainty is very painful. But here's the thing: Our W's don't know either! So that's why we can't press for answers and commitments: they can't give any right now. Every time we ask, we remind them that something is missing. It hurts them and can even drive them to re-bomb us. (Been there, done that)

Just convince yourself that by not seeking reassurances from W, that it's actually giving your M the best shot of success.

I know you guys have been doing MC, (for quite awhile now too) so you're discussing it every week. Yet she still can't give you any reassurances. This is why I posted in your thread that maybe you guys aren't ready for MC quite yet. I know your fear is that if you stop going, she's going to bolt. She won't. MC is not keeping her in the marriage, it may even be increasing the pressure on her. (and since you're pining for reassurances, it ain't doing much for you)

Like my wife and I, you guys are getting along civilly. Just let that roll for a while and accept it for now. No relationship talks. (I can't even remember our last one!) If she brings it up, maybe just say something like let's just see how things go for awhile. There is no need for a yes or no answer on the outcome of the M right now. It's not even possible.

Be friends, aim to have pleasant times together. Don't try to fix her or the M. Quietly work on yourself and she will notice. Let the reconnection happen naturally, it will take time.

[ForeverYoung]

Somehow, FY, I can picture you and W in better days in the past. I know you had a great connection. I'm so glad you are continuing to wait for her, difficult as it is in the moment.

rH

Thanks RH! It truly helps to know I have support here.

Because of her childhood, W always had a social anxiety. So her connection with me was nearly exclusive. Only recently has she been coming out of her shell, something I've always hoped she would do, just not at my expense!

3 weeks 'till the anniversary of BD. Not sure of the DB protocol. Do I get a card?

[Mtnman]

FY, exactly where in the Hallmark section should we be looking for the BD card?

You have a way of explaining this stuff that really helps. Thank you.

It is very hard not to pursue when they give you a glimpse of their true self. Goes against everything I feel, but I know that I can't.

[reachingHigher]

Flipping through the radio stations in the car, she got very excited when she found "I will wait for you". I know the words of songs are very important to her, and she is drawn to lyrics which describe how she feels. Lately, I've heard her play this song on her iPad several times a day, sometimes when first entering the room where I am.

At least the song wasn't "it's too late, baby"!!!

You are doing great. The waiting IS the hardest part.
I read all your advices to other people now too.
Mtmn is right; you DO have a way of explaining these things that really helps!
I need to read it all again and again.
Thanks,
rH

[ForeverYoung]

FY, exactly where in the Hallmark section should we be looking for the BD card?

They have a section in back called “Here’s what’s left of my heart… it’s all yours”. Any card from this section comes with a free box of Kleenex and a list of local counselors… it’s actually pretty nice!

You have a way of explaining this stuff that really helps. Thank you

Mtmn is right; you DO have a way of explaining these things that really helps!

Thank you both for the kind words. I’m doing the best I can, and sometimes feel like I’m stumbling through all this like I’m sure most everyone else does. It’s not an easy road to travel, that’s for sure! But then neither is D, so here we stand. The best thing we can do is help each other, I figure. We’re all in a different place, yet on the same path.

At least the song wasn't "it's too late, baby"!!!

I know, right? Early on in our sitch my W would walk in the room and sit down and hit ‘play’ to this one:

"And it feels like I am just too close to love you,
There's nothing I can really say.
I can't lie no more, I can't hide no more,
Got to be true to myself.
And it feels like I am just too close to love you,
So I'll be on my way."

There’s more hurtful words, (along with an ominous organ riff in the background, lol) but you get the idea. I really hated that one yet had to pretend it didn't bother me. Thankfully she stopped listening to it. Then there was “You got to go where your heart says go” and “How’s it gonna be, when you don’t know me”. At least I found these last two musically acceptable to listen to, even if the message hurt.

So yeah, just listening to her recent play list there's been some progress. Keep on Bustin' everyone!