I can see that and it makes a lot of sense. Who of us have not done the contest to see how long you can hold something with your arm outstretched. I've tried to explain to my H before that I just don't think I have it in me. It's not even a choice anymore. I think it's too broken to put back together. And M isn't just a rock that sits and does nothing. M is hard to manage in a positive way without being shattered first.
This is one that I read a few years ago that I really like. I think it might be what people are referring to when they advise someone to "drop the rope."
THE BRIDGE - A METAPHOR
"The Bridge"
There was a man who had given much thought to what he wanted from life. He had experienced many moods and trials. He had experimented with different ways of living, and he had had his share of both success and failure. At last, he began to see clearly where he wanted to go.
Diligently, he searched for the right opportunity. Sometimes he came close, only to be pushed away. Often he applied all his strength and imagination, only to find the path hopelessly blocked. And then at last it came. But the opportunity would not wait. It would be made available only for a short time. If it were seen that he was not committed, the opportunity would not come again.
Eager to arrive, he started on his journey. With each step, he wanted to move faster; with each thought about his goal, his heart beat quicker; with each vision of what lay ahead, he found renewed vigor. Strength that had left him since his early youth returned, and desires, all kinds of desires, reawakened from their long-dormant positions.
Hurrying along, he came upon a bridge that crossed through the middle of a town. It had been built high above a river in order to protect it from the floods of spring.
He started across. Then he noticed someone coming from the opposite direction. As they moved closer, it seemed as though the other was coming to greet him. He could see clearly, however, that he did not know this other, who was dressed similarly except for something tied around his waist.
When they were within hailing distance, he could see that what the other had about his waist was a rope. It was wrapped around him many times and probably, if extended, would reach a length of 30 feet.
The other began to uncurl the rope, and, just as they were coming close, the stranger said, "Pardon me, would you be so kind as to hold the end a moment?"
Surprised by this politely phrased but curious request, he agreed without a thought, reached out, and took it.
"Thank you," said the other, who then added, "two hands now, and remember, hold tight." Whereupon, the other jumped off the bridge.
Quickly, the free-falling body hurtled the distance of the ropes length, and from the bridge the man abruptly felt the pull. Instinctively, he held tight and was almost dragged over the side. He managed to brace himself against the edge, however, and after having caught his breath, looked down at the other dangling, close to oblivion.
"What are you trying to do?" he yelled.
"Just hold tight," said the other.
"This is ridiculous," the man thought and began trying to haul the other in. He could not get the leverage, however. It was as though the weight of the other person and the length of the rope had been carefully calculated in advance so that together they created a counterweight just beyond his strength to bring the other back to safety.
"Why did you do this?" the man called out.
"Remember," said the other, "if you let go, I will be lost."
"But I cannot pull you up," the man cried.
"I am your responsibility," said the other.
"Well, I did not ask for it," the man said.
"If you let go, I am lost," repeated the other.
He began to look around for help. But there was no one. How long would he have to wait? Why did this happen to befall him now, just as he was on the verge of true success? He examined the side, searching for a place to tie the rope. Some protrusion, perhaps, or maybe a hole in the boards. But the railing was unusually uniform in shape; there were no spaces between the boards. There was no way to get rid of this newfound burden, even temporarily.
"What do you want?" he asked the other hanging below.
"Just your help," the other answered.
"How can I help? I cannot pull you in, and there is no place to tie the rope so that I can go and find someone to help me help you."
"I know that. Just hang on; that will be enough. Tie the rope around your waist; it will be easier."
Fearing that his arms could not hold out much longer, he tied the rope around his waist.
"Why did you do this?" he asked again. "Don't you see what you have done? What possible purpose could you have had in mind?"
"Just remember," said the other, "my life is in your hands."
What should he do? "If I let go, all my life I will know that I let this other die. If I stay, I risk losing my momentum toward my own long-sought-after salvation. Either way this will haunt me forever."
With ironic humor he thought to die himself, instantly, to jump off the bridge while still holding on. "That would teach this fool." But he wanted to live and to live life fully. "What a choice I have to make; how shall I ever decide?"
As time went by, still no one came. The critical moment of decision was drawing near. To show his commitment to his own goals, he would have to continue on his journey now. It was already almost too late to arrive in time. But what a terrible choice to have to make.
A new thought occurred to him. While he could not pull this other up solely by his own efforts, if the other would shorten the rope from his end by curling it around his waist again and again, together they could do it. Actually, the other could do it by himself, so long as he, standing on the bridge, kept it still and steady.
"Now listen," he shouted down. "I think I know how to save you." And he explained his plan.
But the other wasn't interested.
"You mean you won't help? But I told you I cannot pull you up by myself, and I don't think I can hang on much longer either."
"You must try," the other shouted back in tears. "If you fail, I die."
The point of decision arrived. What should he do? "My life or this other's?" And then a new idea. A revelation. So new, in fact, it seemed heretical, so alien was it to his traditional way of thinking.
"I want you to listen to me carefully," he said, "because I mean what I am about to say. I will not accept the position of choice for your life, only for my own; the position of choice for your own life I hereby give back to you."
"What do you mean?" the other asked, afraid.
"I mean, simply, it's up to you. You decide which way this ends. I will become the counterweight. You do the pulling and bring yourself up. I will even tug a little from here." He began unwinding the rope from around his waist and braced himself anew against the side.
"You cannot mean what you say," the other shrieked. "You would not be so selfish. I am your responsibility. What could be so important that you would let someone die? Do not do this to me."
He waited a moment. There was no change in the tension of the rope.
"I accept your choice," he said, at last, and freed his hands.
--From "FRIEDMAN'S FABLES" by Edwin Friedman, published by Guilford Press
"I knew Wellbutrin wasn't ADD, because *I* took it some time back for depression."
You might want to google that rather than drawing such a hasty conclusion.
How about for one month you stop any thoughts about H's flaws, problems, errors, lack of follow through, etc. That is for one month, STOP yourself from focusing on H and any criticisms and complaints you have of him.
Rather, write down all the ways in which you are a flawed partner. Write down how these flaws have harmed your relationship with H and others. Write down all the ways in which you are stuck and choose to stay stuck because of fear. Focus only on yourself. Do not write down *anything* about H that involves his behavior, thoughts, feelings. This limits you to statements like: "I am afraid H will leave at a time when it is inconvenient for me." "I demonize others and play the victim when I describe a lack of follow through on good intentions as lies and deception."
Also, write down all the ways in which you are a great partner. Write down how these traits have helped your relationship with H and others. Write down all the ways in which you are moving forward even in light of of fear. Focus only on yourself. Do not write down *anything* about H that involves his behavior, thoughts, feelings. This limits you to statements like: "I am able to be open to H not meaning to hurt me even when I feel hurt." "I sometimes try to give genuine space to others even if I don't like how they choose to do something."
Rinse and repeat. If you find yourself writing about H, mark it out with a Sharpie. If you find yourself thinking about H's issues, STOP it. Turn to finding a parallel or somehow similar flaw in yourself.
Yes, OT, the use of Wellbutrin was already explained to me somewhat by LIS.
I don't know how to separate myself emotionally from the outside world. I don't know how to *not* let outside things affect my *internal* happiness. I don't even know the difference. I stopped watching the news years ago when the Irag war was in full force and they tallied the war casualties every night, because I would get so depressed after hearing yet another 18yo kid was killed and imagining the loss the family must feel. The widow across the street has buried two loving H's; the first killed by a drunk driver, the second by cancer. She's only 60. That makes me sad. I don't know how to not "externalize my unhappiness," and think instead, "Well, bummer for YOU, but I'm still happy!" In fact, I consider someone that can do that as being cold and indifferent, and wouldn't even want to be that way.
"Write down all the ways in which you are moving forward even in light of of fear." Moving forward, to where?
I've been trying to compile some sentences like you suggested above. For example, "I demonize others and play the victim when I describe a lack of follow through on good intentions as lies and deception." I can't use this because it don't contort his lack of follow through as lies. In fact, I posted specifically that I don't consider that lying. So using the same context, if I start with "H frequently doesn't match his actions to his words and so I don't trust him." Is that demonizing him? It's true, and it's something he readily admits. It's simply a fact of life, like that he wears a 38 in pants. It could change, but it doesn't mean I'm demonizing him or calling him fat because I state an unembellished fact.
And if I just focus on myself as you said: "I do not trust H." Okay, now what? I don't consider it a flaw in me, I consider it a wise response to external stuff. It doesn't mean I'm 'afaid' anymore than I'm afraid to eat beets. Tried it, didn't like it, don't care to try it again, thanks.
I don't really get the "end goal" of your suggestion.
Here's an article on Welbutrin and it's use in treating ADD/ADHD. I was on it for a while, until it quit working - not for ADD, though.
He can certainly respond for himself if I'm wrong, but, I think OT is trying to get you to write down what you bring to the table yourself - so to speak - in the R. Both good and bad. The attribute of you that are what you've identified that are detrimental to the R as well as the good ones; and to not focus on the flaws of your H.
It doesn't matter if you like my examples. Write your own. Address two questions: How are you a partner who contributes to unhealthy relationships? How are you a partner that does the opposite?
The end goal is to try to get you to focus on the only thing you can change and to quit playing the poor stuck victim who does no wrong except to martyr herself.
