(((BK))) I got the same talk from H that we need to get along for the sake of the kids and learn to work together blah blah. It's all lip service to make them feel better because you know what?
Same here. W gave that talk, and included the 'There's no reason we can't do shared parenting, etc...' for just that reason; to make herself feel better.
But, in the long run, it didn't work. Personally, I think it's like putting a band-aid over a bullet wound. It's a temporary fix and will not help them in the long run - it sure didn't help my W.
The shared parenting thing is insane especially since at least in my case my H has no clue as to which days the kids have after school activities, sports, etc. I have always told him those things but I think its hard for him to keep it straight since he is removed for the day to day of it.
Its a shame very early on the MC that we saw and my H boss & mentor played into this co-parenting is great theory and my H bought it hook, line and sinker. He believes our D wont be like the divorces he remember from growing up because we will be co-parents and our kids will be happy because each of us are happy and self fulfilled individuals.
I wrote about the MC (it was a couple a man & woman) that we saw immediately after the bomb on these boards. They basically told me that I needed to accept that my H was living and there was nothing I could do to change that and my reaction was too emotional.
Comments on these boards reminded me that even if I had gone to more pro-M MC my H still would have left, I needed to be reminded of that. But I do still get angry when I think about those first MC and I feel a little stuck around those feelings. I really dont think I was over reacting when H first dropped bomb.
What is a normal reaction when you H out of nowhere says he is leaving you and your 2 children, 14 months and 2 1/2 at the time? People say I ignored warnings, but honestly I am not a mind reader, we were bidding on a house, I thought he was happy.
I wish those MC early on had recognized that my very emotional devestated reaction was in a normal range of emotions when the man you love tells you he is leaving.
I went to a work conference this weekend (my H & OW & I are all in the same industry so everyone at the meeting knows everyone). I was shocked by how many people still asked me about H as if we were still together. Its like people havent really gossiped about my switch because its almost too shocking. 90% of the people at the conference know me and H but very few know her because she is new in the industry (26), of course the first question woman ask me is, is H with another woman, I just say yes and tell them her name when they ask who.
In a couple of cases the woman I tell want get so angry at my H that I end of being in the position to go crazy with them or to defend my H and I don't feel comfortable doing either. I usually change the topic and say we need to have a drink one of these days and I will tell you the whole story.
My H and I are meeting Thursday, I guess to go over some stuff & agree on things so he wont have to pay his lawyer as much. I am not agreeing to anything without my L/father telling me what my rights are.
It makes me so sad to have this meeting. So sad.
I feel so lonely sometimes, raising my girls alone. It feels so unnatural not to share everyone of their little triumphs with someone.
I have so much to be grateful for I know. I just dont know why he cant see what he is flushing away.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Your story makes me want to strangle those counselors. What a joke! Too emotional. Please! That infuriates me because I was told the same thing by my first counselor.
My H is off the rails too. One day this will be behind us. I hope! ; )
Keep hanging on.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Bklyn, This is unbelievably sad. I'm so sorry he is putting you through this now.
I think that he's going to keep this up until he has the legal business done. It's too easy to blame us for stopping them from getting what they want. We are the obvious targets.
Once the legal stuff is behind them, they will still blame us for their sad sitch, but it will get harder and harder for them to explain why they are not happy as time goes on.
We have to be in this for the REAL LONG haul (if we want) with guys like this.
They have blamed us for every unhappiness in their lives for so long... we are just fish in a barrel until there is nothing more they can pin on us (I love mixing metaphors!).
bklyn, i just read thru your posts...your h sounds like mine on so many levels....especially the fact is unattached to family and friends.. that describes mine to a t i think we may have a lot in common you mention shootings and wraps - do you both work in tv or film? i wish i knew how to attach my threads here...i am computer challanged
the way your h writes, so matter of factly, sounds like mine as well...i have been here many years now while my h addictions grow and grow (seemingly, at least) he has no idea what this is doing to our son he thinks everything is fine, because he has a big problem seeing peoples emotions...that has always been the case - which might be part of his ADD, or the effects of too much pot - i don't know - he has been smoking since his early 20's - he is now 47 anyway, i want to read back thru your sitch and hopefully i can be helpful at the very least, i will lend an ear and send a warm internet hug to you be well
I'm learning how hard it is to enjoy time with my S's without my W. it's not that you don't have fun, it's more than you don't have an adult to share it with. You miss the playfulness and inside jokes. The banter back and forth about whose side of the family they get 'that' from.
Yours are at an age where they're changing so much, and showing their personalities. You should be sharing that with your H. Your feelings that its unnatural are valid. It would be easier if it were only us and our spouses who are missing out, but our kids are too. That hurts the most.
(((Bklyn))) I know how you feel!!
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Grr, you are right about our occupation. I try elimate that vocabulary from my posts but I sometimes forget. My fear is that once people know my field someone will know my identity. I guess it's far fetched but I reveal so much of my deep feelings here I don't want work people to find me.
H is hold now to work Thursday the day of our impending meeting. He is nuts.
I will continue to pray, go to meetings and post here. Love you all
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
yeah, we do have alot in common....same here (occu- for h and i). makes any marriage tougher........he is on the road alot and i have long studio hours......much of our marriage has been two ships passing in the night
Just a thought, re the MLCers cool attitudes ... they were aware of wanting to leave (since they were having affairs, etc.) whereas we, the LBSers learn about it on BD, and it's very new for us. We will probably take as long to get over it all (maybe longer), as they had having the affairs. They are detached (even from their kids) because they've had a lot of time to justify their actions. So, on BD, they are ready to leave, while we are left wondering WTF is going on here?
Does this make sense?
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
BeingMe, I totally get what you are saying. They plotted to leave prior to the bomb. I also think that my H and many are not living in reality - my H really acts this is not a big deal for the children although all evidence is contrary to that. They have less to mourn in fantasy land.
Grr we do have a lot in common. The hours really did us in. My H career has been taking off at the same time as us having 2 kids back to back. It was too much. He didnt turn down work and I think took off 2 days each time a kid was born.
With our 2nd D birth, I told him to come home early so he came at 7P, she was born at the hospital at 8:17P.
The self care aspect of this program has really helped me. I know when I found these boards everyone is like GAL, GAL, GAL!!! But for me my schedule is busy enough I really needed to find more ways to go easy on myself
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
