Boundaries should be about YOU -- "I will not live in an open marriage." It's then up to the other person to decide what to DO with that information you've now shared with them, lovingly and firmly. [/i]
This is what I think so many people miss. It's about YOU. I refused to live in an open marriage. He was on the couch. He "ended it", decided to move back into the bedroom. Then I see he is still FB friends and was being secretive with his phone. I calmly said, "I can't work on this M without the defriend and access to your phone."
What was I losing? Trying to piece together am M built on lies? No thanks. Let's take a time out, see where it shakes out. I mean, it's easier said than done, but I don't regret my setting boundaries. Not at all.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Oh, and the BIG thing...he has said multiple times how attractive my strong stances have made me in his eyes. He still gets mad at first. Then when he calms down, comes him tryin' to make the moves...
Now if I did it all arguing, explaining, crazy lady, we know where that gets us
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Thanks! It was tough, especially with the young ages of my kids and being knocked up. But, I'm ok.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Oh, and the BIG thing...he has said multiple times how attractive my strong stances have made me in his eyes. He still gets mad at first. Then when he calms down, comes him tryin' to make the moves...
Yep. Basic laws of human attraction. We value most what takes us EFFORT to get!
Understand that as TIME goes by your desire will also change.
This is VERY true, and should really be factored into your decision-making, Grey. On a scale from 1-to-10, with "10" being "Totally Frustrating and Unacceptable!" I would say that 15 years ago, this issue was a "9.5" for me. 10 years ago it was still about a "7".
Now? Probably a "2" or a "3," honestly. With the other challenges and joys in our lives right now from health issues with elderly parents, the birth of grandchildren and everything in-between, the companionship, friendship, respect and loyalty from my wife is more important to me than the sex. She's a wonderful cook, a phenomenal mother to our four children, absolutely DEVOTED to her parents and the strongest woman I know. She's my best friend, and I can't think of anyone I'd rather go thru this stage of my life with, and I'm SO glad I stuck this marriage out thru both our SSM and her affair 7 years ago.
Food for thought.
Starsky
Thanks for sharing this. I can honestly say that in the 4 and half years that I have "known" you, this numbering system makes more sense about YOU. I guess I am trying to say that I have noticed posting changes that maybe reflect a more emotional less testosterone driven approach. Of course this is all completely natural.
