It's never "controlling" when you're merely stating what your boundaries are. If they are REAL BOUNDARIES OF PERSONAL INTEGRITY (and not just some tactic you're using), and they really ARE dealbreakers for you in a marriage . . . then wouldn't you be doing your own spouse a disservice if you didn't let them know?
Let me put this another way, with something from my personal archives:
To me, that's the beauty of boundaries, or -- as I like to call them -- "My Boundaries of Personal Integrity." Only YOU know what they are, but they should be a very short list; your "dealbreakers," as it were . . . those things that you, as a person with your values, morals and ethics, simply CANNOT ABIDE.
And this is how it works, in practical application: If you decide that "I will not live in an open marriage," and you state that as a boundary to a cheating spouse, and if that drives them away from you, and toward the other person? Well, then that's THEIR CHOICE, and them cheating -- and staying with me -- wasn't an option for me anyway, based on my own authenticity and values, so what have I lost?
All I've lost in that instance is something that I could not have abided anyway.
"You must choose between her or me" is an ULTIMATUM. It's about THEM.
Boundaries should be about YOU -- "I will not live in an open marriage." It's then up to the other person to decide what to DO with that information you've now shared with them, lovingly and firmly.
