Ok, this is from long ago, but I have been wondering about your sitch and here we are. Sometimes its hard here, since I did take a firmer line than most. I set similar boundries while H was home and he did end the affair, but wouldn't defriend OW on FB and be transparent so I said I needed those things or we need to S.
I need to see these harder lines, because we a month into S and I see both movement towards me...and then he freaks and has to remind me that our M can end. Really? I'm pretty sure I'm aware of that.
Anyway, I really enjoyed reading your sitch. Now on to Denver's. I hear his is similar.
Thanks for checking out my sitch, Tallula. I'm glad you got something out of it. Denver was definitely more patient than I was, but he was also very firm on "I can't be in your life so long as OM is," too.
I'll try to stop by your thread, as I haven't really followed your sitch.
Thanks! He is supposedly done with OW. I didn't ask about him dating when it was decided we would separate. But H offered up that this S wasn't for him to date other people, but work on himself. I know that he could be seeing her, or someone else for that matter. I just chose to not ask. I, however, did set the boundary that we would not be dating each other or having sex (because I am a woman who can do this and not get attached. I happend to have a ridiculously large drive and I'm pregnant to boot. I have no idea how this man had the time/energy to cheat ) until he did offer transparency and defriend her on FB.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Well, he confessed the A to me, so they were never "just friends", But I'm controlling, especially when I told him that I needed transparency & the FB defriend. Oh, and we have always fought...and he never loved him...oh wait, he did...wait, he didn't...we always fought...I don't love him...the kids will be fine
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
um, he never loved ME...but he's thrown out that I don't love him either
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
But I'm controlling, especially when I told him that I needed transparency & the FB defriend.
It's never "controlling" when you're merely stating what your boundaries are. If they are REAL BOUNDARIES OF PERSONAL INTEGRITY (and not just some tactic you're using), and they really ARE dealbreakers for you in a marriage . . . then wouldn't you be doing your own spouse a disservice if you didn't let them know?
Besides, when they're wayward (or recently wayward, and still screwed up chemically), SOMEBODY has to be the one to put some "controls" on the marital relationship, until they're acting more in the best interests of the marriage, don'tchathink?
It's never "controlling" when you're merely stating what your boundaries are. If they are REAL BOUNDARIES OF PERSONAL INTEGRITY (and not just some tactic you're using), and they really ARE dealbreakers for you in a marriage . . . then wouldn't you be doing your own spouse a disservice if you didn't let them know?
Let me put this another way, with something from my personal archives:
To me, that's the beauty of boundaries, or -- as I like to call them -- "My Boundaries of Personal Integrity." Only YOU know what they are, but they should be a very short list; your "dealbreakers," as it were . . . those things that you, as a person with your values, morals and ethics, simply CANNOT ABIDE.
And this is how it works, in practical application: If you decide that "I will not live in an open marriage," and you state that as a boundary to a cheating spouse, and if that drives them away from you, and toward the other person? Well, then that's THEIR CHOICE, and them cheating -- and staying with me -- wasn't an option for me anyway, based on my own authenticity and values, so what have I lost?
All I've lost in that instance is something that I could not have abided anyway.
"You must choose between her or me" is an ULTIMATUM. It's about THEM.
Boundaries should be about YOU -- "I will not live in an open marriage." It's then up to the other person to decide what to DO with that information you've now shared with them, lovingly and firmly.
Exactly! That man is so all over the place, I just had to calmly speak my truth, for me. It wasn't to get him to do anything. It was so I could look at myself in the mirror. I just said, here is what I need or we need to S. He flipped out at first, that's when he said I was controlling. Later he admitted that, of course it isn't controlling and he wants to be able to do those things, but he can't. Whatever. I believe he would have continued to be all over the place at our house and I would be crazy and there we would be. Both crazy. Not moving. This way, I can work on me, he can do whatever the heck he is doing.
It was less scary when I knew in my heart that I had to be true to me. For me.
Now the work is keeping his crazy from pervading my thinking. I had some backslides this weekend. Sobbed infront of him. I really hate being pregnant! If only he had told me 2 weeks earlier. Yeah.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
) until he did offer transparency and defriend her on FB.
