I've been thinking about your situation since yesterday. My wife and I had a Sex Starved Marriage. I used that as an excuse to have an affair (which there is no excuse for)
In working toward healing our marriage, I found that my apologies simply rang hollow until our coach led me through an empathy building exercise. Afterward I've been able to really and honestly express my sorrow by envisioning and "experiencing" her pain.
I've also noticed that its hard for the Low Desire person to really understand what a sex life means to the High Desire person and "what the big deal is". No accusation...its just not part of who they are.
To that end I thought I might share what it felt like to me.....
This isn't to make you feel GUILT! Put that away. Its wrong to tell you to feel guilty if you couldn't understand what you were doing. Its only to give you some potential insight into what he may be feeling and help you build some empathy.
And of course it takes two to tango. He damaged the marriage too, he inflicted wounds too. "Starved Marriages" are filled with black mail and quid, pro, quo.....If you do this, I'll do that....if you withhold that, I'll withold hold this.
So, deal? No guilt...only insight. OK?
When you are the spouse from sexual intimacy is with held it honestly feels like you are the leave behind spouse.
You feel like your wife has walked out of the marriage. Oh yes she's there and she's giving you comfort and presence.....but remember of all the facets of the marriage relationship only one, sexual intimacy, is held to be exclusive to the married couple. I can get friendship, communication, support, love from outside, but only inside the marriage can we have a sanctioned sexual relationship. So without an intimate sexual relationship she may as well have walked out the door.
In someways it feels worse, because she's walked away from and still expects you to remain faithful.
After a time you start to think of your spouse as your prison keeper.
As a matter of fact you start to see them as a sadistic jailer....if you only do this, I'll have sex with you...oh I meant do that, and I'll have sex. Oh I'm not happy with how you are behaving today, you don't deserve sex. Or ohhh I'm bad for not giving you sex, I'll change...oh not really, not until you do this or that.
Can you see the incredible resentment that builds up? To feel like someone is controlling and manipulating you like that...much less someone who says they love you?
After a while you feel like you just have no choice....give in and be a prisoner or break free and run away.
You may not be able to internalize just how vital a passionate sexual relationship is to your husband. I get that. Just trust me, the feeling of being trapped, unfulfilled, left behind is real.
Yes, I'm sure he has done his fair share of damage and did not create an atmosphere that allows intimacy. However, if each side is going to wait for the other to make the first move then the process will never even start. Why you and not him? Well I suppose its because you are here.
Maybe the next step with your H is "I've tried to imagine what your experience has been like, it must have been like _______,________,________. I'm honestly sorry. Tell me more.
Again, no guilt. I'm sure you didn't do this to hurt your husband. It is what it is, we can only move forward.
