However deeply buried,feelings still bubble up

[keep_going]

L-

Thanks again for your honesty. I can't imagine how torn you must feel - wanting to work on your M and make things right, knowing that the A was wrong yet still having feelings for OW and wanting to both understand and eliminate them. It must be very, very hard to carry that shame and guilt inside of you.

There are two things about your present situation that worry me.

1. I do worry that you keep all your feelings bottled in. Sooner or later everything will all come out and explode on you (and most likely your marriage as well). Things just won't go away on their own. I know that time can heal many issues, but I am not sure this is one of those.

To me, one of the challenges you face is that both you and your W need to heal from the infidelity. Your W will need to heal from her pain, rebuild the trust in you, rebuild her self-esteem and work very hard to deal with the triggers that will remind her of the affair and work on the issues in the M that opened the door for the infidelity to happen. (Note - I am NOT saying that it was her fault that you cheated, just that the M was in trouble when the affair happened.) You will be called to help her with all of this as well and I am sure your counselor and DB coach have talked about that with you both.

Yet on the other hand, you also have to deal with a lot of issues on your own - self-forgiveness, shame, guilt and deal with the issues in yourself and your M that led you to stray in the first place so it doesn't happen again. And you also need to deal with your current feelings for OW. Many people think that the only job of the cheating spouse is to help the betrayed spouse heal and I personally think that if that is the only expectation for repairing the M, then it will fail again.

As too trusting suggested, individual counseling seems like a must for you, so you can have a safe place to really express all your feelings. A counselor can help you not only vent, but to also de-mistify the fantasy and allure of the affair. While your feelings for OW are very, very real, the circumstances surrounding how they developed might not. How so? Affairs occur in a vacuum, a world of fantasy where neither person gets to confront reality, therefore everything feels so good and easy. Was that something you felt with OW?

Perhaps you still have feelings for OW because you didn't get to live reality with her after the honeymoon period. A counselor can help go through all of this with you.

For instance, My H has said to me that his R with OW is "just very easy" where ours is full of problem that he simply doesn't think we can resolve. A counselor would help him run through why he feels that way and realize that the comparison is not fair because his R with OW is basically just like two teenagers dating and doing fun things together. They don't live together so they don't deal with kids (both ours and OW's), bills, jobs, mortgages, financial struggles, routines, schedules, illnesses, extended families, etc.

A counselor can help you see things without the rose-tinted glasses and realize that your R with OW was perhaps based more on a fantasy that probably both you and OW created in your minds, than the reality you would both live together after the honeymoon period ended.

A counselor could probably also help you realize how all R go through a progression. Did you ever feel with OW like she was your soul mate? Like she understood you like nobody else did? That you couldn't see life w/o her or that everything felt just so much better, more intense or more authentic with her? Perhaps if you think back, when you fell in love with your W in the first place, you probably felt and said the same things about her.

These are some of the things a counselor who specializes in healing from affairs can help with. You can talk freely, go through what you are feeling, understand why and that may ease the way to let go of that fantasy R with OW.

2. My second concern is regarding transparency with your W. I completely understand how you would not want your W to know about how you still feel about OW because you probably don't want her to hurt even more. Yet, from what I have read and what I personally feel, complete honesty and disclosure is key to rebuild the R.

I know there are different views on this. Some couselors argue for complete disclosure, some don't. Some say you should be willing to be an open book with your spouse about anything she wants to know, but not offer if she doesn't want to know. Some say it's better to just focus on the future and not give too many details that will just conjure more triggers for the betrayed spouse.

Do you guys have a complete transparency / disclosure agreement? If so, then I think she should definitely know about your feelings for OW. As long as you re-assure her and she knows that you are have no contact with her and are not acting on your feelings for OW in any way, she should be ok with that. Do you think that would be the case with your W?

L - has your wife read about infidelity? Does she understand about the sense of loss and grieving process YOU have to go through (it sounds to me like this is the phase you are in right now?)

I ask because part her work to heal will be to respect this phase of YOUR process. She will need to learn to accept and be ok with the fact that you still have feelings for OW, that you are trying to address them (hopefully with a C) until you get over them. She will need to be ok with the fact that it will take time before OW is completely out of your mind. From what I have read, that is the hardest part for the betrayed spouse - hanging in there and respecting the cheating spouse's loss and healing process.


Has the counselor or DB coach addressed this with you both?
Do you feel like you guys are getting closer and rebuilding your connection?
What concerns do your W express re. OW (if any) at this time?


L - I hope I am not rambling too much and that you don't feel I am being too nosy. I think the more you share, the better you will feel, specially right now when you have so much just bottled inside. Perhaps here you can find suggestions in how to deal with some of those issues or at least some support. Plus, it will also be very helpful for many of us here to learn from your experience.

L - hang in there! I admire you wanting to do things right and doing the hard work to heal and save your marriage!