Living, Getting the Paperwork Started (20 months)

[adinva]

T, this seems like a hard phase in parenting, but I wouldn't trade it for those middle of the night is my child dying trips to the ER. It seemed my babies only ever got spiky fevers or weird symptoms after 2am. Every phase is the most wonderful and most terrifying in different ways.

[labug]

Hi Ad ((( )))

I really have no advice, just a virtual shoulder.

It's so hard with teens because they think they will never get caught, they will never die, they can quit anytime they want.

Your kid is hurting and I know you see that. Guilt, anger, shame only add fuel to the fire, I'm afraid. Love him, keep the lines of communication open. You've already set some boundaries.

When I started going to AlAnon I expected to see mostly spouses when in fact the majority now are parents from all walks of life.

I know you will get good advice from your IC and your friend.

We're here to help keep you steady.

[adinva]

Thanks! I think the big picture that I'm frustrated about is that I know about this seesaw and I can't figure out how to get off of it.

In many issues over many years, the more I became X the more H became Y. I read about it in Dance of Anger and I learned it was possible to step out of the circle. And here is another one, where the more I want to talk and understand, the more H wants to crack down and punish.

I feel like I need to be even more communicative and understanding to compensate for H, and he gets more and more critical and angry to compensate for me. Two months living apart have done absolutely nothing to help us start fresh and put down our guns. Almost two years of reading and practicing haven't given me the tools.

I think it may take doing something more radical, like just completely agreeing with H and letting him take the lead. I did this once before, at the very beginning, when S did something bad and H was talking loudly and sarcastically to a table of 20 family members in a restaurant about how "SHE" won't let me do anything about it. And I calmly said, you do what you feel is right. He offered S to choose between a beating and a buzz cut, and after much consideration S chose a buzz cut. I stayed completely out of it. This was trying to practice stepping out of the cycle that caused us each to keep upping the ante. I don't even know if it made a difference.

In hindsight it seems like more of the same. It's still either all his way or all my way. If I step out of the circle we're still not communicating.

I feel like the stakes are too high to give in to H when I think he's being too extreme, but there doesn't seem to be a choice other than capitulate or resist, when it comes to H and me.

[Accuray]

Ad you're in a tough place with many many things going on right now, and overall you're doing a great job bearing up under the load.

One thing that is bothering me:

H suggested we call all the parents of all the kids who come over frequently to tell them all that we found drug paraphernalia so they can choose not to let their kids come over. I don't think that is a good idea. We don't know all these people well. We are opening the possibility of getting in legal trouble ourselves as this stuff is in our house. All of these kids can be guaranteed to tell their parents that it wasn't theirs and they didn't know anything about it. And then what, S15 starts getting high at/during school instead because he hasn't learned any reason to make better choices.

A few points here -- you understand the potential consequences to S15 of getting caught. You have done the research and had the discussion with him about what it would mean to his lacrosse career, etc. etc.

By not telling the other parents what's going on, you're robbing them of the ability to take similar measures with their own children. I don't think that's fair to them.

In terms of your reason not to call because you can get in legal trouble, I think if you enlist them to help you with the situation, you minimize your chances of getting in legal trouble.

Given what's going on in your basement, you may need to intrude more when S15 has his friends over. It seems that H can turn up evidence of pot smoking, tobacco chewing and drinking within the first 5 minutes he's in the house -- it doesn't seem they're doing a very good job of hiding things. You may benefit by elevating your presence when the kids are in your house.

You also say you don't know the other parents well -- given what's going on in your basement you may want to make that a priority. There are probably a minority of kids who are leading the charge, and others who are going along for the ride. You may be able to figure out those dynamics by making an effort to meet the parents.

Finally, I don't think it's a good strategy to make your house the safe place in the neighborhood to do drugs and drink because otherwise they'll just sneak away and take bigger risks. Thinking way back to my high school years, there were a couple parents in the neighborhood who would let us drink in their house. When those houses were available, it was party time. When those houses weren't available, it wasn't as easy as you might assume to find another place to party. Drinking in the woods just isn't all that much fun. Plus, kids don't mind getting caught by parents but really don't like getting caught by the police. You may want to make your house a bit less safe for this crew.

I know you have a lot going on, and I don't think your H's draconian approach is the right one, but if my daughter was at your house and kids were drinking and smoking pot, I would want you to tell me about it, and I wouldn't think less of you because of it.

Accuray

[Tallula]

I agree with Accuray. I also wanted to elaborate on what I said about you getting in trouble. My friend's mom use to "turn a eye" and let us hang in the basement. We drank, smoked pot. A few years later it was the hang out for her sister too. Some of the parents caught wind of what was going on (not by the mom, obviously) and she was arrested. Yep. She didn't condone or buy it for us, just didn't check on us and stuff.

I think you leave youself more open to trouble if it happens again and you don't say something to the other parents that time.

[BklynMom]

Go to alanon. It could help you so much meet other mothers and woman with the same sitch as you. It too is anonymous. I know maybe people go to meetings in a neighboring town rather than their own town.

FWIW I think you absolutely should tell the other parents because it is the right thing to do and will show your son behavior to model if you do it respectfully.

What you are dealing with is so tough. Please take care of yourself

[Crazyville]

Talking to the other parents might also give you some insight into how THEY handle things.

[RockJC]

I was just talking to a good friend who is going through a similar situation. His son is a little older (17). My friend has decided to take a tough love, zero tolerance approach. He has told his S that he is not welcome in the house if he is using drugs and has asked him to take regular drug tests.

It is a little easier, since he is happily married and this was a decision he worked through with his wife. I don't envy either of you. This must be incredibly difficult.

[BFloat]

i think you're doing the right thing. when it comes to your kids and what you think is in their best interest.. for their well being and their health.. can't be agreeing with H's methods if you don't agree with them. he gets upset or angry.. so what?

i forget your arrangement with him. the kids are living with you and he sees them weekly? or does he take them %50 of the time?

anyway.. your house.. your rules.. H chose to leave. yes, take into consideration what he says (as you're already doing) but ultimately.. the decision is up to you.

coparenting can be so extremely frustrating!

[labug]

I feel like the stakes are too high to give in to H when I think he's being too extreme, but there doesn't seem to be a choice other than capitulate or resist, when it comes to H and me.

This sentence doesn't sound like you.

This isn't about you and H. It's about what's best for your son and as bf says, your house, your rules. Are you concerned that if he doesn't get his way it's more fodder for his "Ad never does anything right campaign"? Remember, that campaign is only in his head, and in your when you let it be. He's not been a successful parent, how would he know what it takes?

I doubt that he can find any evidence that his way will be successful. He's scared and running on emotion.

I like your plan of love, communication and boundaries because unfortunately this is another area in life where we have no real control.

((()))