so, - today I hear h talking on phone in other room - locating a dr because his dentist sees something on his tongue he thinks he should go get looked at .
me, i'm the world's biggest chicken in face of cancer - my mortal fear. (dad died of lung cancer when i was 18) sad and bad . had my own brush with it- small melonoma- there is nothing quite as gut wrenching as hearing a dr say it to YOU
. maybe that's why i wake up every monrning of my life since my dad died running at full steam ahead to do what ever it is i can or want to- paint this, sew tht- plant this, busy like nuts - just in case something comes along and wants to take away my life on a moment's notice.
anyway- stomach felt sick- usually only happens when it's thinking bad news for self. good and bad to know and register. glad i don't relaly dislike him enough to want anything like that to happen to him. i wouldn't even like to think of myself being that kind of person.
his fatehr is awaiting results from tests - pancreatitus? cancer? poor man is croaking from the stress. it's soo hard to be butch when it's you in the hot seat. i'd reckon he's sick of people telling him to keep busy adn just wait (with good grace) yeah- everyone has alot of advice when it isn't them. oh well-
life- it's sure a roller coaster. i'm back to grateful to be alive - healthy and sane. this mlc is killin me- but i'm still better than a year or two ago. honestly- i cannot see anything here objectively- i just plug forward and try not to think.
i wonder if it all matters anyway- what we do- who we are??? i'd think not at the end of the day. these mlc'rs are on some course we don't have access to. it's hard to swallow that- i wonder sometimes wtf and why we bother and how we manage.
oh well- i'd guess that about the hardship in everyone's life and i'm pretty sure everyone alive has some.
now tht i'm here- i'v got nothin- sane for the moment.
all of a sudden i'm looking at h against his father- prissy, self righteous, critical- and i'm wondering if his similarity is the mlc - or if he's just becoming that. if life with him or a future wi th him would just be THAT - A REproduction of all the things about his father he hates- does and doesn't see.
holy cow- i'm outta here. guess that is a bad road to venture down.
too relieved abut dawn's sitch - to have anything much to say.
yay huh? one tiny tiny litle "sep" in some direction that looks positive. dare we hope>???
