Is it bad that you're here sharing feelings, venting, and figuring things out instead of only talking to her?
Telling her that's hurtful, seems like you're trying to control how she seeks help or who she talks to, and it's not really inappropriate. She needs people to lean on just like you do.
Try to give her more space, ok?
Grizz, I agree with Adinva here. As hard as this is for you (doesn't seem natural) it is best to encourage your W to talk to friends about the sitch. Just like you need to. Besides this website, do you have people (a support network) that you can talk to face-to-face? That is people that are supportive and caring and won't report to your wife.
When I say encourage I don't mean over do it but if she brings up talking to a particular friend just say "it's good you have friend for support". I did this with wife once and she reciprocated the comment.
Give space and just keep any conversations light. If she goes into R talks then go with it.
To be honest I really don't know. I am so confused. Looking back, maybe since I was giving more space it just felt to me like we were farther apart. We had been kissing goodbye on the cheek every morning. Sometimes she would kiss sometimes I would. I stopped this last week because it was so awkward. We both seemed so uncomfortable with the kiss like not knowing if we should or if we/ she wanted to. So I stopped it to try to give more space. Not sure if that was good or bad. Maybe that is also playing into my feelings of being further apart.
I think the questions from Adinva is good. For me at the beginning of the sitch when we didn't have much space I didn't feel close and actually felt much coldness from W. Since the S I go back and forth on how I feel about warmth and reaching out from W. A lot depends on my mood at the time. It is hard to tell for me when relationship with W is that of an acquaintance.
In terms of physical contact with W, I let her initiate that. The only contact is sometimes my W hugs me when she is leaving. I have no expectations for that so when she does do it it is nice.
I guess the thing that gets me is that the only people that she discusses our sitch with are ones that are divorced or currently going through a D. She has totally shut out people who are promarriage. She has actually said that she wants to talk to people who will be "on her side". Really? She just wants a bunch of "yes men". That is what bothers me. I would like to apologize though for getting upset last night but I guess I should just let it go.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
Don't give too much weight to the things she says like "on her side". Also, you don't know what she is really talking about with these friends. Thinking about it probably has the same impact as snooping, it will drive you crazy so you shouldn't think about it. But both the WAW and LBH need outlets to discuss the sitch with or just talk about anything. My guess is that initially they talked about the sitch but as time goes by likely don't talk about it so much.
Don't think people are conspiring against you. Focus on yourself.
Regarding apologizing, I wouldn't. I would chalk it up as a lesson learned and move on.
I guess the thing that gets me is that the only people that she discusses our sitch with are ones that are divorced or currently going through a D. She has totally shut out people who are promarriage. She has actually said that she wants to talk to people who will be "on her side". Really? She just wants a bunch of "yes men". That is what bothers me. I would like to apologize though for getting upset last night but I guess I should just let it go.
Same here. I think it's normal and certainly fits the mold for a WAW's behavior.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I guess the thing that gets me is that the only people that she discusses our sitch with are ones that are divorced or currently going through a D. She has totally shut out people who are promarriage. She has actually said that she wants to talk to people who will be "on her side". Really? She just wants a bunch of "yes men". That is what bothers me.
I had the exact same thing in my Sitch, almost verbatem. It is hard not to focus on it, but the fact is there isn't anything you can do about it. I can gurantee that your wife isn't looking for people that are pro-marriage or who are not supportive of her choice to leave your marriage. It is just not possible in the mind of a WAW....Stop thinking about it!
I guess the thing that gets me is that the only people that she discusses our sitch with are ones that are divorced or currently going through a D. She has totally shut out people who are promarriage. She has actually said that she wants to talk to people who will be "on her side". Really? She just wants a bunch of "yes men". That is what bothers me. I would like to apologize though for getting upset last night but I guess I should just let it go.
Grizz,
You're still pretty early in the game; you're W has a LONG head start with where she is. It took me several months to get to the point where I realized all of the energy I was burning on snooping, wondering, searching and worrying was just wasted energy.
It took me about three weeks to break that habit, and once I did my life got infinitely better. I'm not saying I don't wonder every now and then, because I do. However, I've trained myself break that off pretty quick and find something else to do.
You are much luckier than I was - you found out about DB'ing much quicker than I did - which really puts you in a better place than I was at the same point. Remember the saying: believe none of what you hear and only 50% of what you see. I can't emphasize that enough...
I guess the thing that gets me is that the only people that she discusses our sitch with are ones that are divorced or currently going through a D. She has totally shut out people who are promarriage. She has actually said that she wants to talk to people who will be "on her side". Really?
That is extremely common with a WAW. She "wants" to share with those who will support her feelings. She doesn't want to hear from the pro-M group.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think when a WAW talks with her friends, the friends only hear the single side of the story. Also, most of the friends don't know what is going on. They see their friend, a normal person that they have know for some time. In my case, I think this explains how most friends treat my wife when she talks about our marriage. They support my wife whether they are pro or anti marriage.
Because we moved cross country 18 months ago, almost none of my wife's good friends have seen her since that time (except for a couple of visits). They don't see all the changes that I see (fanatical going to the gym, new clothes, new hair style, spending 20-30 minutes putting on make-up in the morning!).
What bothers me most about my wife telling all her friends is that I see it as her testing the waters for leaving. Initially she confided in only 1 friend, how I think she has told just about everyone that she would tell.
Is the expanding list of people in the "know" an indication that she is about to leave?
Well, I know they talk. Two of my W's friends who went thru M problems used to run up and hug me and thank me for being who I am - this was in 2010.
So, as 2011 closed down, neither would talk to me at all. So what was the difference? WAS/MLC - whatever category my W fell into, and whatever she told them. Only one of my W's friends still talks to me, because she disapproved of what my W was doing and how she was acting. She is in her mid-50's and has been thru it, while my W is 41 and the rest of her friends in their mid 30's.
So yeah, I'm sure they talk. And I'm sure they build bias based on the single story they hear.
Originally Posted By: SailingAlone
Is the expanding list of people in the "know" an indication that she is about to leave?
Not necessarily. My W was in the position to tell a whole town - and she damn near did. She has threatened to leave; we started rebuilding last September. In December she stated she wanted to get a place of her own because she just can find happiness. I'm guessing she was/is in the 'Depression Phase' of the MLC. But, she is still at the house, and even talking about the future.
That didn't occur by my doing nothing, though, and we're by no means out of the woods. But, it's better than it has been for a while.
