Living, Getting the Paperwork Started (20 months)

[Accuray]

Ad you're in a tough place with many many things going on right now, and overall you're doing a great job bearing up under the load.

One thing that is bothering me:

H suggested we call all the parents of all the kids who come over frequently to tell them all that we found drug paraphernalia so they can choose not to let their kids come over. I don't think that is a good idea. We don't know all these people well. We are opening the possibility of getting in legal trouble ourselves as this stuff is in our house. All of these kids can be guaranteed to tell their parents that it wasn't theirs and they didn't know anything about it. And then what, S15 starts getting high at/during school instead because he hasn't learned any reason to make better choices.

A few points here -- you understand the potential consequences to S15 of getting caught. You have done the research and had the discussion with him about what it would mean to his lacrosse career, etc. etc.

By not telling the other parents what's going on, you're robbing them of the ability to take similar measures with their own children. I don't think that's fair to them.

In terms of your reason not to call because you can get in legal trouble, I think if you enlist them to help you with the situation, you minimize your chances of getting in legal trouble.

Given what's going on in your basement, you may need to intrude more when S15 has his friends over. It seems that H can turn up evidence of pot smoking, tobacco chewing and drinking within the first 5 minutes he's in the house -- it doesn't seem they're doing a very good job of hiding things. You may benefit by elevating your presence when the kids are in your house.

You also say you don't know the other parents well -- given what's going on in your basement you may want to make that a priority. There are probably a minority of kids who are leading the charge, and others who are going along for the ride. You may be able to figure out those dynamics by making an effort to meet the parents.

Finally, I don't think it's a good strategy to make your house the safe place in the neighborhood to do drugs and drink because otherwise they'll just sneak away and take bigger risks. Thinking way back to my high school years, there were a couple parents in the neighborhood who would let us drink in their house. When those houses were available, it was party time. When those houses weren't available, it wasn't as easy as you might assume to find another place to party. Drinking in the woods just isn't all that much fun. Plus, kids don't mind getting caught by parents but really don't like getting caught by the police. You may want to make your house a bit less safe for this crew.

I know you have a lot going on, and I don't think your H's draconian approach is the right one, but if my daughter was at your house and kids were drinking and smoking pot, I would want you to tell me about it, and I wouldn't think less of you because of it.

Accuray