Back and cruise was a lot of fun. Kids and I had a blast together and I went all out and acted more like my true self and didn't hold back. D7 and I played in a game show in front of a huge audience (I had to dance gangnam style alone during it), we danced every night, swam with dolphins, and just had a really fun time. Probably most fun I've ever had on a vacation which is odd with sitch.
W and I were pretty distant entire trip. We were always together and had small talk with kids around but no Disney magic at all. I tried to engage her but I could tell early on it was her mission to act as D'd friends to show kids we could still do things together (which she said a few weeks back). I didn't let that affect me while on trip and just did things I and kids wanted. Again being friends isn't a bad thing but I was kind of hoping for a little pixie dust magic to sprinkle over us since things were trending positively before trip and I hoped it would continue but not surprised it didn't happen.
Plane ride home was a different story. After they all fell asleep it hit me hard that this could be our last trip. I started feeling bad that I wasn't good enough, thinking about how we got to this point, getting mad at her for all she'd done wrong, getting mad at myself, etc... Not a fun 3 hours. Got off plane and sent quick e-mail to buddy and he got my head on straight again. He told me to stop with the pity party and compared me to a dysfunctional pile of monkey $hit when I'm in that mood. Thankfully that worked and I was fine the next couple days and nothing stupid was said and I showed a good attitude.
But...I found out through a friend that W has been talking to a new guy that she works with and friend said it didn't look 'normal'. New guy works midnight shift and W has now picked up some of those shifts... I know the guy from my original post fizzled out a little while back. Well 2 days ago she said new guys name during her sleep. I won't lie that this has set me back again with regards to us. I just have a real hard time seeing a way I can ever trust her. We had agreed to the boundary that neither of us would see anyone until everything with us was final. Completely unrelated to that we had a talk yesterday where she said some pretty crazy things and I admittedly didn't handle as well as I could. No more talking about custody with her!!! I wish I felt more compassion but I'm getting sick of her attitude towards me, the marriage, other guys, etc... so I called her out on some stuff rather then try to understand like I had been (not sure she cared if I understood anyway). Our work schedules this week are such that we won't see each other much so I think it's likely a 'quiet zone' week while I get my thoughts back together. I'm still working on myself but I realize just how far I really have to go since my W can still push my buttons and hurt me... I admit my hopes were starting to rise since we seemed to be getting along but she made it pretty clear last night that it was just to get through the vacation for the kids and nothing had changed. I know, don't believe what she says and half of what she does but there isn't anything positive right now with us.
On to more work on me and time will decide what happens to us in the long run. Fully expecting a couple 2x4's for my lack of focus last night but it's ok, head is already a little welted so I got the message...
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
