Your W is very likely in a position where she doesn't allow herself to accept your compliments. That is not to say that she is not "hearing" them. Regardless, words of affirmation DO have an effect on people, especially people who have that as a primary love language.
I have had a rough time with WOA too, as you well know. I have really been trying to make an effort to work on that. Some of the things I have been considering is as follows
1) try to make your compliments specific. I had NO idea how important that was until it was pointed out on my thread, but think about it. If someone at work (just for sake of the conversation lets say you are a coal miner) were to say to you, "good job", it would be nice....but not that big of a deal. You would probably go back to work digging for coal, maybe with a smile on your face, maybe not. However if they were to say, "good job on that last bucket load. You always have been the best pick axer on the entire crew. It is amazing how fast you can dig in this rocky soil". That is a little more specific, and with no doubt, you are going to be proud of hearing that. More than likely, you are going to try to pick axe even harder because you like having someone notice your special abilities. Without a doubt, you want to hear more words of affimation from them.
2)compliments can be about ANYTHING: I had a hard time trying to compliment my wife, because I always thought that meant I was supposed to say she was "pretty". That's not the case. You can compliment your spouse on absolutely anything. Take a moment and REALLY THINK about what your W is good at. Maybe she dresses impecably? Maybe she is an excellent decorator? maybe she really knows how to fit a lot of your stuff in a storage closet? Who knows, maybe she is an excellent driver. Compliment her on your low insurance rates....haha anything, but be sincere and make it hit home with HER.
3)Don't try too hard. Once we figure out how to compliment effectively, it is a natural reaction to try it alot. We want to hone our skills and see the reactions. Don't over do it! That can become really fake sounding, needy, weak and even pressuring to your spouse. I have made a point of trying to compliment my W just once or maybe twice during an interaction. therefore, I don't feel I need to hit it out of the park every time with a bunch of HUGE insightful compliments. I just give her a compliment, make it specific to her, and move on. With time, she will want more and more compliments, and I will be prepared to give them to her, when the time comes.
4) Don't expect a reaction. This one is really important for you, SM34! When we expect a reaction, it completely throws the validity of our compliment out the window. Don't hold out for a reply, don't stare her down looking for something to spark in her eye. Don't be upset if she blows it off like it was no big deal. Just compliment her, be sincere and move on with the conversation. Don't dwell on it or wait for a response. Right now, your W (and mine as well), doesn't want to give you a response. To be honest, they probably HATE that we are complimenting in the first place. The reason being, they feel if we would have done it years ago we very well might not be in this situation with the relationship. That simple fact just pisses our wives off! However, don't think for a second that the compliments are not being heard. They hear them. They just aren't carrying as much weight as they could in the minds of our WAS, at least not now.
5)You can give a compliment that pulls your spouse in. This is the approach I am trying to get better at. For instance you can say something like, "I love your new hair color. It really pulls out your eyes. Do you notice people mentioning how blue your eyes are now?" This is a great compliment because you are flattering her new hair color which she is undoubtedly proud of, and you are also noticing her eyes. She will KNOW that you are looking at her and being sincere. You are not just saying generic thing like,"hey good job". The best part of this compliment is you are also enlisting her to engage you. You are literally making the compliment become part of the conversation and putting ALL of the focus on your wifes great features. That is extremely flattering.
Of course, our W's will probably not reply in a super positive manner to our words of affimration, becasue they don't want us to flatter them. They don't want to acknowledge us being nice and sincere. They don't want us to be a great husband. They want us to be jerks, so it supports their negative outlook... so they can move on....so they can leave. Don't show her that guy. Make her realize things can be better and that she is making a wrong decision. Be THAT guy!
^^^^That is some really, really great stuff and worth seeing again in total
SM, pay particular attention to number 4. You've got to drop the expectations!! It's clear from your posts that you're still scrutinizing your W for some kind of response every time you do anything, but especially with the compliments. Just pay her the compliments and move on, don't stare her down waiting for her to say or do something in response, because that will make it seem disingenuous. Sometimes a compliment paid in passing is the most effective of all. You say it and move on with zero expectations.
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Then I keep telling her "Babe you are so beautiful. Other women would KILL to have your skin and eyes, and your perfect hair. You can go natural and look beautiful, and all the other women envy you for it.". You know what her response would be? "Are you kidding me? What about this blemish right here?" pointing to only microscopic mark on her face. "Look at my eyes.I look like I havent slept in days, and may hair is a mess!".
Maybe you didn't mean it this way, but the above sounds like you're saying "So why should I bother complimenting her, because she's just going to deny the compliment is valid anyway." MANY people react to compliments by trying to deflect them (I'm a real pro at this), but they still LOVE getting the compliments. Again, drop the expectations of what you think her reaction should be!!
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So thats why complimenting got hard for me. If I over played the compliment, she would say I was just saying that. If i under played it, she would say well don't look too excited about it. I can't win.
DROP THE EXPECTATIONS!!!!! It's not a contest, it's not about winning and losing.
I'm sure 5 Love Languages was mentioned somewhere in your other thread, do you have it? Have you read it? It'll help a lot with learning about how to be specific in your compliments.
