Thanks so much for all who gave me something to read on my post, it really helps to not feel so alone. I was loosing my battle of the tears by night fall and had a heart to heart with S24.
He gave me some insight into these "last name here" men going through his brothers, cousins, back to his uncles and grandfather. He helped me understand that though H is an extrem to the personality it is a "trait".
He helped remind me that H has always had the need to isolate himself and go into projects were nobody else was welcome. I was so busy with kids, homeschooling, house work, and all that momma stuff, that I was almost ok with his solitude.
S24 asked me if I'm almost to tears was I bluffing when I told H not to come home if he's going to keep treating me with disrespect. I said no, but I would prefer he not except my ultimatum. Wow, where did that come from!
He then asked what I do I want to accomplish by not having H home, because it seems to come with a whole new set of issues, ie - money...both, worry, hurt, homelessness (H), and the list goes on.
S24 said, ''Us kids don't really care either way, this is for you, he's your future, he's your S to grow old with, we will be moving on one day and you have to do what's best for you''.
It was a good talk...I didn't know it was hard for S24 to L or be L'ed, or even need it. Not to long after H called me...after 3 hours of sleeping in the SUV, eating cold tupperware food, and realizing he needed a bath, he did what he didn't think he would do, he called to come home.
He asked what do I have to do to come home, at that point I had already realized we're not ready for him to just up an leave, so I said talk to me, and just ask.
We spoke for 2hrs while he still sat in the car, even while out in front, it seemed easier to open up. H was very impressed with my conviction and approach at his work, I left him feeling inadequate to even speak in defense of himself, he felt my strength and he knew I ment/mean it! He forgot how I look outside of the our home, he didn't recognize me until I was in his face speaking.
It opened a new way of how he spoke to me, very much like when we met and would have a battle of wit, only no battle, but finally as the educated man I know he is. He opened up alot, he was very sharing of his MLC mind.
I prayed, that's when I did let the tears out, I prayed for him to come home safe, and for us to be able to relate to each other with respect, and with a hint of who we are as family, not M, just as family, my prayers were heard!
I'm not quitting, there is no miracle, and tomorrow is a new day that will come with it's own challenges.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Thinking of you Dawn. Your S24 sounds very wise for his age.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Dawn, Your son is very wise for his age. I'm glad you and your son had the conversation. Sometimes we need to hear what the children have to say about the situation and he made some very valid points.
I do hope that the conversation w/your h will open his eyes just a bit to what he's been doing and he will be more willing to communicate w/you.
You are a fighter and you are not done. Your book of life still has many chapters w/your h in them. Be patient and God will show you the way. Please do not try to rush the process because your h needs to go through the entire crisis to come out the other side a more mature, settled man.
Dawn, you are going to be just fine. There will be days of ups and downs, but they will get better. Keep the focus on you and your children and allow God to work on your h.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He helped remind me that H has always had the need to isolate himself and go into projects were nobody else was welcome. I was so busy with kids, homeschooling, house work, and all that momma stuff, that I was almost ok with his solitude.
your son is such a smart guy- sometimes i find myself trying to be realistic and objective and REMEMBER HONESTLY if everything ws absolutely rosey in teh garden before h goes nuts.
your son- he's doing just that. My h also ALWAYS compartmentalized- i've said before and will say again (probably manyu manay times) like you i was just busy and sooo sure of this guy- IT WAS SOOOOOO easy to accept and put good spin on allllll his quirks - which now- in retrospect and tainted as they are with my new knowledge of him- seem IMPOSSIBLE to stomach sometimes. and even when i'm crucifying him - sometimes i can see that this exact same sitch three years ago would not have affected me one wayor the othr- ws part of life (becaue we loved each other and in the end (dopey me)it would all right itself)
AND NOW- i find my faith flagging and stumbling like crazy. what the?????
your post is making me blubber. i feel relieved... i am soooo far away from that - an h that talks from the heart- i am so happy for you to just have this moment of connection - to see some glimmer - i hope it continues for you- i know we expect no miracles and we step lightly- i will continue my good vibes and prayers for you-
i'm going to go away and be busy and hopefully not think. it's been a hair raising day or so with your sitch- i need a peice of chocolate to destress - (any excuse - what? me self-indulgent??? i just ate the darn oatmeal- i shoudl ge t a treat!
hang in there and fingers crossed.
xxoo ((( ))) i'm so glad he called- a ray of hope out there in the universe???? i'm open to it....
Journaling This week has been one of awakenings for my H and some truths revealed for me to sift though. Last Sat night while we were still on the phone I made it very clear to H that if he needs to have EA in his life as a friend for whatever reason, I will reach a final point where I will break all communication with him, and go on with my life without him.
At first he was surprised by my intensity for zero contact expressing how it’s just another human being, one that can’t help herself though life, but quickly retracted his thoughts back to my POV. He then said, I understand, I believe you, you are filled with such grace and confidence, and I don’t dare stand up against you.
Later that night he stripped down in the bathroom and asked me to look at him. He stood there looking lost staring into the mirror tugging on his face, hair, arms and abdomen. He said it was the first time in over a year that he looking at himself, his hair loss and his face showing his toils, he see’s himself as he is today. Fully amazed at the way his face cannot hide all he has been through, he says omg, I got older!
I said nothing as I stood there and gave him what – validation – comfort – companionship – not sure, but he was sharing the moment with me. After he showered he crawled into my bed as he had been doing a few times lately and again slept next to me. As I was falling asleep watching TV, his arm lying next to mine, he reached over and softly held my hand as we fell asleep.
The days have been filled with H doing many chores, still on his video game, more conversation and joking w/kids, still smoking, meals together, and today he squeezed between D19 and I as we sat on the couch with our tea to join with his own tea and his cookie contribution.
He has also slept in my bed a few times and this morning, coming in from his am shift, he held me, with arms (I thought they were amputated) it was nice, we both kind of giggled, OMG! I have been GAL, even find myself needing it more with this peek-a-boo H around, just so I don’t seem to be mesmerized by his testing of the water.
He has been openly talking about our G-child to come and some changes to the house he wants to work on in the spring. He’s gone back to asking me my opinions on some of his ideas, and I have maintained a certain distance, more of a 180 to my typical behavior and attachment to him.
He’s peeking, testing, bringing/holding on to some of his vices, there has been no R talk, nor have we talked about EA again. I don’t want to let her existence determine my R w/him, though I did say I wouldn’t handle it forever, I feel I at least need to see where we may end up and if we will grow into being us, a new us. It’s still all in God’s hands, and yes Snodderly, I do still have many chapters w/H to go, and I will be as patient as I am able with His guidance.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
hey hi and sounds like another interesting avenue being explored in your sitch.
i hope it continues to progress in a very good way and who knows, maybe he is on the brink of re-emerging somehow someway.
good luck with it- sos here-i'm not going to ruin your day with my crappola.
yay- and fingers crossed- you sure have putin your time with this mlc and de3serve some rewards- however small and tentative. that's probably a betrtrer sign than something giant anyway- \ hopefully it will continue. i'm not being un-enthusiastic you know- i'm in "cover up" mode here- so unable to let guard down in general - in life - geeeezzzz\\
.... Last Sat night while we were still on the phone I made it very clear to H that if he needs to have EA in his life as a friend for whatever reason, I will reach a final point where I will break all communication with him, and go on with my life without him.
At first he was surprised by my intensity for zero contact expressing how it’s just another human being, one that can’t help herself though life, but quickly retracted his thoughts back to my POV. He then said, I understand, I believe you, you are filled with such grace and confidence, and I don’t dare stand up against you.
I am right there with you on this, very same boat. "She's just an old friend I like to talk to. She's almost like a counselor to me..." Wow. I am getting ANGRY just thinking about the last convo with H about this.
Originally Posted By: I.am.Dmarie
Later that night he stripped down in the bathroom and asked me to look at him. He stood there looking lost staring into the mirror tugging on his face, hair, arms and abdomen. He said it was the first time in over a year that he looking at himself, his hair loss and his face showing his toils, he see’s himself as he is today. Fully amazed at the way his face cannot hide all he has been through, he says omg, I got older!
My H does this too!! Lately its been his eyebrows that have been offending him. He even asked me to SHAVE THEM OFF!! Lol, I refused but did offer to make him an appt to have them waxed... he's considering. And he's taken to combing his hair all forward, thinking it disguises his receding hairline.
Poor guys, mortality surely does upset them. Sigh. Never know to laugh or cry.
But it sounds like things are brightening up a bit for you. Take in the sunshine - but don't misplace your umbrella.
Cheers
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Nero- I'm running on empty....felling depleted here! Nothings changed!
Hope your well!!!!
Days are getting better...more GAL for me, depression for H. I went to a dice game party with some ole gals yesterday and they were the smartest buch of women ever. Some D, and they said they survived, one of their H even M his OW, and D her too.
I'm still floating down stream....but I am much better than a yr ago!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
"She's just an old friend I like to talk to. She's almost like a counselor to me..." Wow. I am getting ANGRY just thinking about the last convo with H about this. 
