Here we go loopty loo. Here we go loopty li.

[Raine]

rH you're the best. You really know how to build a person up. I'm so impressed with how long you've held in there and the patience you have. It's not easy and you have been through so much. I really admire you and I'm learning a lot from you.

Journaling:
So past few days have been a little weird for me, but holding it together. Okay holding it together when I'm not alone.

H came over to play games with the boys yesterday. Asked me if I wanted to play too, but I said I was feeling light headed and was going to take a break. I really was, but I'm also trying really hard not to do things with him either. I feel used. Him getting to spend time with me, then spends the rest of his time being single.

Friends of ours asked me if H and I could hang out last night. I let them know I'd rather not hang out with H right now, but it would be great if he did a guys night with H. He contacted H and they went back and forth. H didn't go out with them. He went over to OW.

Tonight H calls to wish S now 2 HB. I'm heading out the door to go to same friends for dinner. When I take the phone to let him know we are just heading out to friends, H sounds super down. I can barely understand him. He kept hemming and hawing and I said, do you want to come with? I felt bad and it was S's bday after all. He said yes.

He showed up, and like always, it's just like old times. One thing I noticed this time was he was really watching my reaction to him, his stories and jokes. I hadn't noticed him doing that before. It came up about him not going out last night, and he made some excuses, that he had already had dinner, and if they had just started planning earlier. I'm guessing he did set something up with OW last minute and didn't want to back out.

At one point it was just me, H, and other guy and H made a total sexual reference about me. I can't believe how embarrassed and uncomfortable I felt. Shocked to say the least.

It got super late and I needed to get the kids home to bed. I got them all in the car myself. The only one desperate to help me was other guy. H did have some interactions with the kids, but not much. He let me handle it all.

I decided to go ahead and play games with him on the phone. I know he feels like he has lost everything. He tells people he is lonely and depressed. I feel like I need to have some kind of light to him, that he doesn't feel like I want nothing to do with him and I hate him. I don't know. Maybe I'm totally wrong in this. I feel bad about ignoring the games. Is that just weird?

In other news, also found out that H is up for anything with any woman, but not interested in any kind of commitment. He is looking for women who want to have some fun, no strings attached. This includes talking about the possibility of a hook up with friend of SIL, but didn't do it, because he was worried she would want more than that. I can't believe he would even talk about it with her. Does he just want things to blow up in his face?