I'm going for option 3. I'm not faking friendship with a man who does not care what is going on in my life, who does not look past the end of his own nose, who does not contribute anything positive to my life, just so we can appear as if this all went down and no one got hurt.
I'm also not going to hate him or look at him as my enemy. I feel compassion for his pain, I'm very sorry things went the way they did, I'm distraught that I played a part in it, I'm not going to be his victim.
But I see us being ex-spouses, which is different from friends. Closer to acquaintances. You care what's going on in their life, you don't wish them ill, but they're not a part of your circle of friends.
My H thinks we can skip straight to friends somehow if we're not hating each other, but to me there's a long distance between ex-spouses and friends even if it is a cooperative and polite relationship.
I'm wondering if that's realistic in other people's experience. I think the fake friendship my H wants will appease guilt over his choices and I'm not feeling like that's my responsibility to accomplish.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I can see being friendly. I cannot see be friends. My W thinks we can truly be friends. Just like you all stated, how can you be friends with someone that has destroyed your life. The trust is gone. You cannot have a friendship if you don't have trust. You can have an aquantance without trust but not really a friend. I do agree that it will be better for everyone involved if you can be friendly. We have faked it enough already that our kids don't suspect anything nor do our friends ( except our closest friends whom we have told). But honestly, I am so bitter right now that being friends is so far from where we are now that I just don't think it is feasible.
Found W gently crying in bed this morning. She was trying to hide it. This makes me feel like s$&t. I probably shouldn't have but I went over to her and hugged her. I asked if she was ok and she said yes. I sat beside her and patted her back for a few minutes. I asked her if she wanted me to stop and she shrugged her shoulders. I asked if that meant she didn't know or she didnt care. She closed her eyes and didnt answer. So I stopped. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! EVERYTHING seems to be the wrong thing! She then got up, called a friend, and left to go to a movie. Now both of us feel like s$&t. I wanted to say that I was sorry for making her feel like she had to leave but I stopped myself. I feel so freaking lost and alone!
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
Found W gently crying in bed this morning. She was trying to hide it. This makes me feel like s$&t. I probably shouldn't have but I went over to her and hugged her. I asked if she was ok and she said yes. I sat beside her and patted her back for a few minutes. I asked her if she wanted me to stop and she shrugged her shoulders. I asked if that meant she didn't know or she didnt care. She closed her eyes and didnt answer. So I stopped. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! EVERYTHING seems to be the wrong thing! She then got up, called a friend, and left to go to a movie. Now both of us feel like s$&t. I wanted to say that I was sorry for making her feel like she had to leave but I stopped myself. I feel so freaking lost and alone!
I can sympathize with you here. I just don't seem to get thru to W but I do know I have to give her space. It is hard when they are connected to friends and you are merely an acquaintance. I have the same feeling of alone the further we go into S. Remember, patience.
VG, it amazes me your comment about connecting to friends and not me. Just a few hours ago I walked into the room to ask W about dinner. She was texting with a friend about our sitch. I probably should not have even looked down at her phone but I did. When I saw this I rolled my eyes. She ask what was wrong. I said "do you know how hurtful it is that you can discuss our sitch with other people and not with me? That other people know more about your plans and feelings than I do." She said that she couldn't believe that I would be mad that she was talking with a friend about our sitch. I told her that I wasn't as much mad as hurt. She gave me the "whatever" look and that was it. Now coldness the rest of the night. And by the way, she stayed in the other room last night (for no real reason). She had been back in our bed for the past 2 weeks. And now in the other room again tonight. This time I know the reason. Anger truly was not my emotion when I saw the text. I was really hurt. It's amazing how quickly and how easily one person can hurt you.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
Is it bad that you're here sharing feelings, venting, and figuring things out instead of only talking to her?
Telling her that's hurtful, seems like you're trying to control how she seeks help or who she talks to, and it's not really inappropriate. She needs people to lean on just like you do.
Try to give her more space, ok?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Wow Adinva, I actually never thought of that as controlling. But that seems spot on. Stupid Grizz! The odd thing is for the past 1-2 weeks I have actually given her more space than usual and it seems like we are now farther apart than ever. I just don't know the right thing to do. I will keep trying to give her space however.
I will say the one difference that I see when you compared me venting on here is that I would love to talk to her about it but she has stated the she definitely does not want to talk to me about it but she will talk to others about it is what hurts.
But I do see how what I did could fall under controlling behavior. Thank for pointing that out.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
No, just give more space, at least that's my opinion.
Are you really farther apart since you've been giving space or are you just feeling like it? When you were not giving her space was she more warm, reaching out to you more, seeming more interested?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
To be honest I really don't know. I am so confused. Looking back, maybe since I was giving more space it just felt to me like we were farther apart. We had been kissing goodbye on the cheek every morning. Sometimes she would kiss sometimes I would. I stopped this last week because it was so awkward. We both seemed so uncomfortable with the kiss like not knowing if we should or if we/ she wanted to. So I stopped it to try to give more space. Not sure if that was good or bad. Maybe that is also playing into my feelings of being further apart.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
