Living, Getting the Paperwork Started (20 months)

[adinva]

Thanks! I really feel strongly about speaking to kids as people, on an age-appropriate level. I have never considered my kids possessions of mine or extensions of me. My H and I have really differed on that from the very beginning. I wish that my parents had been more real with me when I was younger, and I rebelled in my mind and by mouthing off, and with certain behaviors, and just feel fortunate I survived and thrived. When I completed separating my identity from theirs I felt like I had been completely responsible for who I turned out to be. Much later I've rethought that. But I wanted my kids to have a voice, and to think their own thoughts, and to come to their own conclusions. My dad was a kind of "If I want to know your opinion I'll give it to you" kind of dad, in my memory.

Many of the disappointments of my marriage came from my inability to reconcile my H as he developed into a dad, with the dad I thought he'd be. There were so many times I bit my tongue because I resented or didn't respect how he was being. I thought if we just talked enough he'd see my point. But child rearing differences was one of the things he cited as reasons for wanting to be done with me. He didn't like the way I had raised the kids, quote, as relayed by my MIL. Ouch.

I think it's harder being a single parent with the other parent in the picture. At least there have been several times since he moved out that I wished he were farther away from us. I am starting to see coparenting like marriage counseling...you can learn to do it well, IF you both are committed to it.

My friend who's a psychologist, who I really thought would say I'm way too lenient and H is right, said he's being crazy extreme and the kid is not going to listen to him. She said I did OK. I do need to punish him still though. I had planned to let him know there won't be any sleepovers (the horror! the horror!) until I have reason to trust that he's not going there and getting stoned. I think I'll also be telling him the NEXT time I see any evidence, even a cologne fight, I WILL be calling the parents of the kids who are there at the time, and he'll look like the loser who ratted everyone out.