post-D with WAW

[azguy]

WHY did you leave her? How did she handle it, then?

I told her I was finished, because I was tired of how little progress we had made in bing able to get along. We'd been having an increasingly rocky relationship since around 2010, and in 2011 she had considered moving out, before we started going to marriage counseling.

She responded by avoiding me and making plans to move out.

Have you truly owned up to the damage that did to HER? How so?


Well, I have owned up to it, myself. I began going to IC last April, and this was when I really realized how deeply I had regretted giving up. I began working on my poor behavior. At this point I tried to talk to her and asked her not to move out. She did not want to discuss it. I tried to respect her decision to take this path while still convey to her that I was interested in talking about it. I've apologized for this at several points last year.



How have YOU CHANGED? I don't mean you now want something different, now, but how are you a better/different h than before?

How can she know you won't "feel differently" about the marriage again, and want out?

I do realize now that I was often self-centered and demanding in our relationship. I am working on that mindset. In any of our interactions since realizing this I have tried to convey that I value her time and input. I have taken over more parenting responsibilities and offer to help with these as one sign that I care.

I don't know how she can know I won't change my mind again. This really bothers me. I am just trying to be consistent right now so that I don't further trigger that worry.


I still hold hope for reconciliation. I've begun DB phone calls, and they've helped me stay positive and not apply pressure to her, things I want to do, but have difficulty with.

Such as what? What are your 180s?

I make an effort to not bother her with parenting problems, but share with her any enjoyment I can regarding our son. I try to minimize the intrusion of my career into our co-parenting responsibilities to show that I value her time.

I am not trying to ignore the pain she must have had to endure to reach this decision. I characterized her as a WAW only because the last part of our M breakdown played out that way. I do not feel the victim here.

I think it would be dishonest to say that this was all my fault, but my poor behavior played a major role in the M falling apart. And, as well, it was my inability to have compassion for her shortcomings (withdrawing if she was angry, being overly needy at times) that speeded the final result. I am still learning about what makes a good relationship.

Thanks for your thoughts and interest.