tvs, thank you for that suggestion about the friend going with her. I can probably suggest that my mom go with her. She lives about 45 minutes away, much closer than me.
Snodderly, I agree too. My mom would be great at asking questions and taking notes for her. I'm worried that she might put it off since she is feeling so down.
Rh- I could use that lunch right about now. I had a very stressful weekend.
Update: This is a long one.
It started when FIL picked up S11 for baseball practice last Thursday and I told him that S couldn't spend the night Friday because I wanted him to go with S14 and S16 to shooting practice. He wouldn't get to go to any other practice because of his baseball schedule.
I could tell FIL was angry. When he dropped S off after practice, I tried to talk to him, but he drove away before I could catch him. I tried to call him, but he wouldn't answer his phone.
S told me that FIL had been angry and told him that I never let him do anything with him. S said that FIL later said that he shouldn't have said that and that he was mad.
This is not only untrue, but I thought it was inappropriate for him to say to my son.
So I confronted H about it. I asked him again if he had said anything to his parents about our situation which would cause him to think he would not get to do things with his grandfather. He said he hadn't.
The thought of my S being in the middle of all this got to me and I lost my temper. I said that he was destroying the family, and that I had had enough. I heard a new one: I never meant to hurt you. I left the room, and he tried to grab me and put his hand around my waist to embrace me, but I put my arm up and pushed him away, which I don't know if I should have done, but I was protecting my feelings.
I went to FIL house the next day to talk to him, but since he wasn't home, I talked to MIL instead. She said that FIL wanted to spend time with S11 because his father doesn't. She said FIL has talked to his son on many occasions about his neglect of his children.
Then I told MIL the whole story. I got quite a story in return.
It turns out that they have asked H numerous times what was wrong between us. He has always said that nothing was. She has asked H out to lunch several times. He told her he was too busy with work. He didn't call her on her birthday. His dad commented that no one in the world works as much as H does.
That wasn't all. It turns out that FIL told her the same thing. He also had an affair with one of her friends. She said he couldn't sexually perform with her, so he tried with someone else. Eventually that didn't work either, so he figured it wasn't just her.
I know the ow in their situation. I now understand somewhat that dynamic. The woman was in an abusive marriage, and was jealous of MIL. FIL was clearly using her to boost his ego. Definitely using, not loving.
That helps me a little. I can clearly see that MIL was and is the prize. I'm glad FIL realized it. I can't tell you how much I admire her ability to forgive him.
MIL left for a while. He begged her to come back. She did, but she said it took a lot of work to put their marriage back together. She kept all this from the family to protect him.
She told me that they love me and will support me in whatever I decide to do, including putting him out. She doesn't believe that H doesn't love me, but she does think I have been an enabler to allow H to do whatever he wants as far as work, and not spending time with his children. He knows I'm here waiting.
Her advice was mostly consistent with DB principles. She said to focus on me and put myself first. She said that after FIL had betrayed her so much, and took everything away from her, that was when she decided to put herself first. She said that if he left now, she would say, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out."
There were only two pieces of advice I disagreed with. First, she said to try to have sex with him, and be prepared for rejection. Um, no. Second, she said we needed marriage counseling.
They are very concerned about our boys and how this if affecting them.
We also discussed H relationship with his biological mother. MIL told me that when he was a teenager, she and FIL took him to a psychiatrist because of the divorce between his biological mother and father was traumatic for the children. She was an alcoholic and abusive.
H told the psychiatrist that his real mother was "dead to him" because she had chosen alcohol instead of him. He was also aware of an affair, according to MIL, that his mother was having.
The psychiatrist then asked how H was functioning, did he have friends, did he do well in school and such. They replied that he did. He had lots of friends, and did very well in school.
The psychiatrist then told them that one day in the future, he would explode.
