Cheerful Pursuit of Joy

[reachingHigher]

He made a face when I asked him how the laundromat was as far as cleanliness.

This made me laugh. My H despises that aspect of the laundry. He likes having it done all at once by using more than one machine but the always having to get quarters and lugging the stuff around...sometimes I have wondered if he will move back home just to have me do his laundry! Lol!

I'm SO sorry about the news about your daughter. And to make it worse, her not living near you and being distraught about her own sitch, as well as you not being able to depend on hubby for emotional support.

Sounds like your H is still depending on you in a distant way. The metaphor of "amputating" out of his life was well chosen. It sure feels like that.

Post more of news from your life as you are able. I sure wish we could go to lunch together

My H is interested in taking up target shooting as well. I had done it quite a few times in a past R. I think it would be great for S13. Our former neighbor (died a few years ago) liked to get up at 6 am Sat. morning and shoot skeet.

[MissAgnes]

tvs, thank you for that suggestion about the friend going with her. I can probably suggest that my mom go with her. She lives about 45 minutes away, much closer than me.

Snodderly, I agree too. My mom would be great at asking questions and taking notes for her. I'm worried that she might put it off since she is feeling so down.

Rh- I could use that lunch right about now. I had a very stressful weekend.

Update: This is a long one.

It started when FIL picked up S11 for baseball practice last Thursday and I told him that S couldn't spend the night Friday because I wanted him to go with S14 and S16 to shooting practice. He wouldn't get to go to any other practice because of his baseball schedule.

I could tell FIL was angry. When he dropped S off after practice, I tried to talk to him, but he drove away before I could catch him. I tried to call him, but he wouldn't answer his phone.

S told me that FIL had been angry and told him that I never let him do anything with him. S said that FIL later said that he shouldn't have said that and that he was mad.

This is not only untrue, but I thought it was inappropriate for him to say to my son.

So I confronted H about it. I asked him again if he had said anything to his parents about our situation which would cause him to think he would not get to do things with his grandfather. He said he hadn't.

The thought of my S being in the middle of all this got to me and I lost my temper. I said that he was destroying the family, and that I had had enough. I heard a new one: I never meant to hurt you. I left the room, and he tried to grab me and put his hand around my waist to embrace me, but I put my arm up and pushed him away, which I don't know if I should have done, but I was protecting my feelings.

I went to FIL house the next day to talk to him, but since he wasn't home, I talked to MIL instead. She said that FIL wanted to spend time with S11 because his father doesn't. She said FIL has talked to his son on many occasions about his neglect of his children.

Then I told MIL the whole story. I got quite a story in return.

It turns out that they have asked H numerous times what was wrong between us. He has always said that nothing was. She has asked H out to lunch several times. He told her he was too busy with work. He didn't call her on her birthday. His dad commented that no one in the world works as much as H does.

That wasn't all. It turns out that FIL told her the same thing. He also had an affair with one of her friends. She said he couldn't sexually perform with her, so he tried with someone else. Eventually that didn't work either, so he figured it wasn't just her.

I know the ow in their situation. I now understand somewhat that dynamic. The woman was in an abusive marriage, and was jealous of MIL. FIL was clearly using her to boost his ego. Definitely using, not loving.

That helps me a little. I can clearly see that MIL was and is the prize. I'm glad FIL realized it. I can't tell you how much I admire her ability to forgive him.

MIL left for a while. He begged her to come back. She did, but she said it took a lot of work to put their marriage back together. She kept all this from the family to protect him.

She told me that they love me and will support me in whatever I decide to do, including putting him out. She doesn't believe that H doesn't love me, but she does think I have been an enabler to allow H to do whatever he wants as far as work, and not spending time with his children. He knows I'm here waiting.

Her advice was mostly consistent with DB principles. She said to focus on me and put myself first. She said that after FIL had betrayed her so much, and took everything away from her, that was when she decided to put herself first. She said that if he left now, she would say, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out."

There were only two pieces of advice I disagreed with. First, she said to try to have sex with him, and be prepared for rejection. Um, no. Second, she said we needed marriage counseling.

They are very concerned about our boys and how this if affecting them.

We also discussed H relationship with his biological mother. MIL told me that when he was a teenager, she and FIL took him to a psychiatrist because of the divorce between his biological mother and father was traumatic for the children. She was an alcoholic and abusive.

H told the psychiatrist that his real mother was "dead to him" because she had chosen alcohol instead of him. He was also aware of an affair, according to MIL, that his mother was having.

The psychiatrist then asked how H was functioning, did he have friends, did he do well in school and such. They replied that he did. He had lots of friends, and did very well in school.

The psychiatrist then told them that one day in the future, he would explode.

[job]

MissAgnes,
All I can say is WOW!

I'm glad you had a nice chat with MIL. It helped to set things straight and what you learned was extremely helpful to you. I'm sure your FIL sees a lot of himself in his son and he doesn't want him to travel down the same path that he did for very long and lose everything he has.

I hope that this week will be a better week for you. Please keep the focus on you. You are the prize!

Take care.

[reachingHigher]

MissA,

That post read like a soap opera!

Did you ever wonder if you had known everything about H at the beginning would you still have married him?

The psychiatrist then told them that one day in the future, he would explode.

just wondering. I wonder that about myself with my H often.

I hope you are able to process this all. I agree with snodderly, You are the prize!

Is the shooting range activity you are doing with the sons helping you take your mind off the more difficult issues? Did the boys get their own shotgun? Does S10 shoot also?

[MissAgnes]

snodderly, I'm glad I had the chat too. I feel somewhat better that it is out in the open with both MIL and FIL.

rh, those mlc script lines are floating through my head: We should never have gotten married. I can't live like this anymore We should have just stayed friends.

Just the 14 and 16 year old are shooting. My youngest is doing baseball at that time, which FIL is handling. My dad sent the boys his shotgun which my MIL and FIL picked up when they were visiting in their city. It's a 870 Remington.

It's fun to watch, but hard to converse with the grownups with earplugs in my ears.


Journaling:

I'm still processing the weekend.

A few more highlights: I told H that I had a talk with MIL, and also had a talk with FIL about not keeping his grandchildren from him. I know FIL is trying to fill the void.

I told H that his parents are concerned about the boys. Again, I got the new line "I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to hurt them."

For some reason, this line has bothered me more than the ILYBINILWY line. Is it mlc speak also? BTW, I got the ILYBINILWY line again yesterday.

I asked a few questions, just to see what response I would get.

Me: What are your plans? Him: What do you mean?

Me: You said a few months ago you had thought about leaving. Where were you going? Him: What are you talking about?

Me: You've had sex with other people you're not in love with. Why won't you have sex with me. Him: That's different.


Some positives:


H said that he was going to try to rearrange his schedule to take the boys to shooting.

I told him about D cervical cancer. She did make an appointment for next week. He seemed concerned.

We had to attend FIL Bday party yesterday. I drove the boys there. H stayed at home and washed laundry. FIL told me that we could bring over the clean laundry and use their dryer, so H's plan was to wait and follow us when his clothes were washed.

He got there about and hour and a half late. As usual, he mostly avoided me. It hurt.

But he got his laundry done.

I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around DETACHing and living like he is never coming back while he is here. He is interacting more with the boys, but not me. It hurts. It hurts a lot. It feels like a little stab in my stomach.

When will that start to lessen?

I seem to do so well for a certain amount of time with the DB, and then I blow my stack and confront, or ask questions.

I finished knitting my socks. I'm wearing them now. I've started on a spider hat.

I've made a new friend in real life. This particular friend was an answer to a prayer, so I'm very happy about that.

[MissAgnes]

Updating:

A few of the things that have happened since my last journaling:

I’ve gotten extremely busy. S11 noted last week that we are hardly home on the weekends anymore with the added kids’ activities.

I am trying to adjust my housekeeping and meal routine so that being out so much works without our dinner menu deteriorating to pizza. They are happy, so right now it’s all good.

I identified going out to dinner as something I enjoy and miss doing with my H. My girlfriends are mostly available for lunch, not in the evening.

I’ve been out three times at the invitation of my S’s school parent association. This coming weekend I am going to a fancy benefit dinner with a girlfriend.

These opportunities dropped into my lap, so I am fairly certain that Someone knew I was bothered and decided to do something to raise my spirits ☺

On the H front, H has:
1. Made it to one of our youngest’s baseball game. The whole family was able to go.
2. Taken two of our son’s clothes shopping I asked him to because I know absolutely nothing about men’s clothing.
3. Told me I looked nice on Easter. I had a new outfit on. I can’t remember the last compliment he gave me. A couple of weeks earlier he had gone to a work function dressed in suit and tie. He looked very nice. I told him so.
4. Called me into our office to look at pictures online of the function later that day. He was the best dressed. I told him so.
5. Took me briefly into his arms on Easter morning and kissed me on the lips, and said “Happy Easter”. I was stunned, but didn’t skip a beat. I told him Happy Easter back. I figured this was one of those touch and go, hit and run moments I’ve read about on this board, so I wondered briefly about it, then let it go.
6. Told me a few times when he was going to be late, or what happened at work that day, or that he had some sort of appointment (doctor or dentist)
7. Cleaned out his fish tank.
8. Told me something his boss did that upset him.
9. Is taking an interest in helping S17 with a science experiment for school involving a potted carnivorous plant. H got his own and is caring for it


Trying to work on me and enjoy the spring weather.

[Lilith]

Hi MissAgnes,
I've been reading your posts and I can tell that you've really come a long way!!! Can can see your progress...You're really doing a great job. I hope I can do the same!

Keep it up!

[Takevowsserious]

Hi Miss A!

I was happy to see an update for you, always wonder how you are doing.

I miss going to dinner with my H too

Glad to see all the positives with your H. I think baby steps are very important, they seem to do things just a little bit at a time.

Sounds like you've been busy too! Working on yourself and enjoying the spring weather - definitely a winning combination

[reachingHigher]

MissA, this is a nice synopsis. I think it's good you've been busy and also noticing the small amounts of affection your H bestows.

Sounds like you are doing a great job of letting H work through his own issues. It's a slow process.

When children start to walk and talk the time seems to go by so fast! Yet, these years of MLC seem like molasses! I wonder why that is.....

Wishing you a great day!
rH

[MissAgnes]

Thank you Lilith, tvs, and rh for stopping by. My computer time is limited, but I guess that means I'm GAL

Lilith, thank you for the encouragement. You have been at this a long time already! You must be a strong woman.

tvs, I so enjoyed the dinner with my friend. She is so funny and had me laughing until my cheeks hurt. I miss her so much, but have been avoiding getting together with her because I haven't told her about my sitch.

I'm still not going to let on that anything is wrong, but I am going to make plans to have her and her family over for pizza one night in the next few weeks.

Rh, it is funny, but I have been thinking the same thing about time. The mlc part drags along slowly, but life in general seems to fly by.

H gave me one of his old pill containers a long time ago, the kind with compartments for the seven days of the week. I started using it for my vitamins, and I'm astounded how quickly it empties week after week.

That makes me sad because I think of how much times a wastin'.

Journaling about last week:

One night H was late getting home from work. H said that he had gone to watch a ball game at a sports bar near work with people from work, including his boss he doesn't like. To my knowledge, he hasn't done this before. He tells me about the game.

The next day, he left to get a haircut and run some errands.

When he returned, six hours later, he was irate about a mess he said was in the basement and yelled at two of the boys. I can't remember when I've seen him so mad.

I went to look, and didn't see that there was that much of a mess. One or two of his things were out of place, but nothing major. It was very strange.

S11 said that the haircutting people must have been mean to him.


Also, after that, he put a bag on my kitchen counter and said there was something in it for me. I asked him what it was, and he replied that it was something I had been wanting.

It was an electric kettle. My other one was broken early last summer and I never replaced it.


I was excited. I've missed my kettle.