My sitch compares in that he's made plenty of promises before and he's failed in all of them.
He's never admitted to the affair and never will. I just know that. I admitted to the fact that I was dating someone while we were apart. But that was a part of a whole other conversation. Meaning, I told him that I felt a different way in that R than I did in the current R with my H. It actually got far deeper than that. Unfairly, I said I was mad at him about the whole thing. I said that my life was going fine and that he came back and I wrecked my life over it. Is it reality? Probably not. Was it his fault? Definitely not.
He's never agreed to counseling. He's railed against it, in fact. And I should be happy he did, I suppose. Only I don't feel happy AT ALL. I'm trying so hard to sort it out but I can't, CV. Something is just not right inside of me and I can't seem to get it all figured out. I'm so frustrated with myself. And let's say I go back. Then what? I don't know how to feel differently. I just don't. It would be so much easier all the way around to feel differently. I love this man but I cannot find my way back. I don't trust him. AT ALL.
As far as my family? Well, the advice has run hot and cold. The two biggest influences I'm with right now are my brother and my mom. My mom does not want me going back. She's gentle in her approach about that, but she is resolved in her mind that is not what she wants for me. My brother thinks that if my H agrees to my demands, then I should "do the right thing" and go back. My b/f says that my H and I both love one another and that it is no more complicated than that. That I have a habit of complicating things (which is absolutely true) and that I need to not do that. My friend also thinks, though, that going back would not produce different results. And the funny thing is that I know that's probably right. Because, CV, I don't feel different. You mentioned having sex with your H. I haven't had sex with mine in 2 1/2 years. The thought of it makes me physically ill. Honest. He was with someone else and I just can't get beyond it. And yes, I've read all the books. And yes, this is probably a weakness in me.
I've been sitting here a week. I want to be at my house. I don't like living on a couch. I don't like not having privacy. I owned 2 houses and I'm on someone's couch! It's very uncomfortable. I miss my animals. My H constantly sent pics the last time of them... I asked him to stop doing that. That it just hurt me more. I'm thankful that he did stop doing that. I say that I miss him. But is that the truth? Not really. I miss my house and my animals and my stuff. But can I say that to anyone? No. Because I know I sound like an awful person. Truly, I feel like going back is like giving up on my life. I have a GREAT job waiting for me. I have a beautiful house. A H who claims to love me. Cold comfort... that's all it means to me. And I know I sound like a ungrateful b*tch and I'm going to he!!.
