Seriously? You Don't Know His Name?

[sandi2]

what does she mean by not being spiritually connected?

[VeryGrateful]

what does she mean by not being spiritually connected?

Sandi, the timing of you asking me this question is unbelieveable considering that was posted about a month ago.

The reason I say unbelieveable is because this topic came out of our MC session last week. We have been in MC since October and honestly I felt the counselor (who is pro marriage) has been doing a good job but just seemed things were going no where. Not bad or good. Just steady. No big breakthroughs. A couple of weeks ago in our MC session the counselor basically boiled down our relationship issues to us only emotionally connecting around the kids. I agree that in recent years that has been our main emotional connection but felt there was more to it than that. After that session W indicated she felt we made a "breakthrough" and we should both consider other ways in which to emotionally connect.

Onto the next session this past week. The counselor had asked us to think of other ways we might be emotionally connected or could become emotionally connected. I had about 8 or 9 and W pretty much shot down all but 2. During the session W had none but then again I kind of dominated the one hour. W commented afterwards that I kind of filled up the hour because typically I'm not a big talker. W said she was ok that I really took the floor. Regardless of W's thoughts on my 8 or 9 areas of emotionally connecting we both agreed it was a very good discussion and opened up a lot for us. There are no right or wrong answers to what people feel.

Immediately after the session W and I talked further. I said was there other ways in which we have emotionally connected or other ways you would like us to connect emotionally. She said spiritually. I said to her if we did not connect spiritually would that bring an end to the marriage. W said something like "I think so, yes". I thought ok, this is some more clarity. She had mentioned this way back at beginning of sitch but also said many other things. I have been aware this is important to her and have not disregared since sitch began and have been trying to make that connection with her. It's just that she doesn't seem to give me a chance to have such a discussion. She is more comfortable in spirtual discussions with some friends but not me. I think prior to sitch, looking back, she was at times reaching out to me to make this connection and talk about it and I didn't give it that much importance. Didn't allow conversations to go deeper. This likely created resentment for my W.

My W's spirituality is not mainstream. It's really not that "way out" there either. I am ok with this. I am quite open to most beliefs. For me spirituality is not only beliefs but how you carry yourself in life and treat others. I guess I just never got into deep conversations with anyone about it. But it is something that is important to W and something she wants to talk about (and of course I just didn't see that). She just doesn't seem to be able to open up with me about that but I do believe she is making some efforts during past 3 months and maybe making some progress. Based on her comment after MC session and just my gut feel tells me she still doesn't feel spiritually connected to me.

I think our emotional connection issues go deeper than a specific area (spiritual connection). Looking back I see that our emotional communications was broken in some ways. In other ways, not broken. Mainly, how we would have a conversation around emotions. Not understanding each other and misinterpreting each other. Also, making assumptions. I think it is really important to understand your spouses viewpoint and what's behind the words they are saying. That goes both ways for W and I. I have learned this only recently.

Since the counseling session 2 weeks ago I have started looking further at our emotional connection and our communications and can see how this was broken. Currently reading a book "Hold Me Tight" that has themes that really ring true for us.

Pretty long answer for a single question. Thanks for asking it Sandi. It was very insightful. And thanks for reading back through my thread.

[ForeverYoung]

No big breakthroughs.

And there probably won't be for a long time. Especially if she is in MLC.

Idk VG, I think you may be trying too hard to turn things around asap here. I even question all the MC over so many months with so little to show for it. All the books, studying, trying to figure out the problem... Sure, you want to work on yourself, but you can do that quietly on your own. She'll notice.

She's still looking for space, correct? If so, granting it is your priority right now.

Maybe just relax a bit, enjoy life where you're both at for now, and try to just be friends. No pressure to "fix" things. Then see where things go from there... you can't force a true connection.

I can see you have a strong commitment to your M VG, so I have no doubt you can do this. Bust On, my friend!

[VeryGrateful]

FY, thanks for the response. I really appreciate your insight.

No big breakthroughs.

And there probably won't be for a long time. Especially if she is in MLC.

I agree. I have quite low expectations.

Idk VG, I think you may be trying too hard to turn things around asap here. I even question all the MC over so many months with so little to show for it. All the books, studying, trying to figure out the problem... Sure, you want to work on yourself, but you can do that quietly on your own. She'll notice.

I probably haven't done the best job of posting some of what's going on in our sitch on my thread. Regarding the MC, this is something W has wanted to continue. I have asked her if she does want to continue since S and she has said yes. Just asked her two weeks ago. I actually think we are making some good progress over the last two weeks. I have low expectations of a "big breakthrough". And she is still distant, like a friendly neighbor. So that is the hard part, being with her and so much distance. As you know, hard to take.

She's still looking for space, correct? If so, granting it is your priority right now.

Yes, she does want space. I think I've done a good job with space. Not contacting her. We see each other 3 days a week. And she has wanted to do these things, one of which includes the MC sessions one day a week. On the other 4 days of the week I don't contact her and leave it to her. The funny thing is, we seem to be in contact on these days because of the kids. Usually, initiated by her. Actually, would probably be better if we did not have so much contact because that would give her a better view of a true separation and what life would be like without me. But when she calls or texts on these off days it's hard not to respond. Usually the context is kids logistics but also telling me what she is up to.

Maybe just relax a bit, enjoy life where you're both at for now, and try to just be friends. No pressure to "fix" things. Then see where things go from there... you can't force a true connection.

Thanks for reminder on relaxing and I should enjoy the space I currently have to enjoy life. For the most part I am. Just have my moments where I feel I want to plead to start warming up to me again. But you are right, only a true connection will come if I am relaxed.

I can see you have a strong commitment to your M VG, so I have no doubt you can do this. Bust On, my friend!

Thanks and like you I plan to hang in there. I have come too far. Will be patient.

[ForeverYoung]

Regarding the MC, this is something W has wanted to continue. I have asked her if she does want to continue since S and she has said yes. Just asked her two weeks ago. I actually think we are making some good progress over the last two weeks. I have low expectations of a "big breakthrough". And she is still distant, like a friendly neighbor. So that is the hard part, being with her and so much distance. As you know, hard to take.

Yes, she does want space.

If she wants to go to MC and you feel it's helping, then by all means do it. But maybe she's trying too hard to find those loving feelings also. This could end up being frustrating for her when it doesn't work.

I like that she's contacting you almost daily. I'd build on that with zero pressure for anything more. If you relax a bit on trying to fix the R, maybe she will too and eventually things will turn around naturally. The fact that she's still wanting her space means she's not ready to return to the marriage in full. Neither of you can rush it.

Oh, do I know how hard the distance thing is. Hurts something terrible down to your soul. The best you can do is try to mirror her. When she draws closer, engage with her. If she pulls back, give her space. Love her from afar, and tell yourself that it is best for the long term success of the marriage.

Thanks and like you I plan to hang in there. I have come too far. Will be patient.

You're doing well, hang in there!

[VeryGrateful]

If she wants to go to MC and you feel it's helping, then by all means do it. But maybe she's trying too hard to find those loving feelings also. This could end up being frustrating for her when it doesn't work.

I hadn't thought about it that way. That we are both trying too hard. Most of the time I think she is not trying but perhaps she is. I can't read her mind so don't know.

Neither of you can rush it.

You are right, it is a marathon.

When she draws closer, engage with her. If she pulls back, give her space. Love her from afar, and tell yourself that it is best for the long term success of the marriage.

Thanks for these reminders. It is a dance. Your support helps a lot.

[azguy]

Interesting to hear you mention the "Hold me Tight" book. I found that described really well how connections can be strengthened or are broken in a relationship. It helped me interpret and understand my W's behavior and how we interacted. Great read!

[VeryGrateful]

So how to you build emotional connection when u are separated and our friendship level is more like acquaintances? It would help if we can get into more R discussions but I haven't pushed those outside of our MC sessions and W usually doesn't go there. I for the most part let her initiate that type of conversation. I don't want to pursue.

I guess W really needs to open up to me more before building emotional connection and she may or may not do that on her own schedule.

Would like to get beyond the acquaitance level and have W ask me to do something outside of our planned activities (MC, family dinner, date night which is going to dinner). Agreed at beginning of S that I would not contact outside of our planned activities.

Just keep being patient.

I have learned a lot since sitch began and much more to learn. If there is one area I fall into catostraphic thinking is I sometimes think I'll never have a chance to practice what I've learned with W. I do know I'm learning for myself first, just can't help having this thought I won't have another chance with W.

[SemperFi00]

Haven't read the book but Hold Me Tight seems interesting. Can you about how that helped in your sitch? From the comments, description and review seems like it may be geared to situations where both spouses want to work on M.. Thnks

[VeryGrateful]

Haven't read the book but Hold Me Tight seems interesting. Can you about how that helped in your sitch? From the comments, description and review seems like it may be geared to situations where both spouses want to work on M.. Thnks

Not sure if it has helped in my sitch - yet. But what I've read really seems to line up with what is broken in our relationship - being emotionally connected, how that can be broken, how to build it. We have talked about it in our MC sessions and some of what our counselor is doing with us is EFT.

I'd agree that application of what is in the book requires both partners wanting to work on the marriage. If that is not the case I still think it is worthwhile for the LBS to read it.

In my relationship W and I have learned during sitch that in some ways we were emotionally connected. Not in enough ways. Believe this is what is the underlying issue in our sitch.