post-D with WAW

[azguy]

Hi everyone,

I've been reading up on the forums and benefitting from seeing how people deal with their R difficulties.

I'm recently D from my W of 16 years. Last spring I told her I was finished, and by the time I realized that is not what I really wanted she had decided to leave. She had no interest in discussing it further, and pleading from me, just lead to more distancing from her. She moved out in April. Spent the summer trying to give her space, and work on my own sense of well being. Went to IC. Approached her in the fall to discuss reconciling. Still no interest. She filed for D in October, and it is now final. We have one S, 9, and split the parenting.

I still hold hope for reconciliation. I've begun DB phone calls, and they've helped me stay positive and not apply pressure to her, things I want to do, but have difficulty with.

Do any in the forums know how common or rare it is for couples to get back together after getting this far? I find myself thinking I'm just delusional about any future chance between us. I guess I'm looking for success stories or at least some hint that post-divorce reconciliation is possible.

[azguy]

Looking for a bit of feedback and other people's experience here. Things got bad due to my getting wound up in my own career and not paying atention to our R.

[Occy01]

Hi azguy. Welcome to the site. I'm also quite new here, so great advice is something i maybe cannot offer. Just wanted to reply to you, i know how tough it is when you first join this forum and are on moderation, Waiting,waiting, waiting ( no offense meant moderators- you Do a great Job!!) And hoping for a reply.
If you are looking for success stories and inspiration, check out the 'another divorce busted' forum, just above the ' for newcomers' forum. And as for chance of reconciliation...well I have read many times on this site, and also believe myself that as long as one partner really wants to fix things, then there's is always hope....

[2thepoint]

AZ, welcome to the forum. For inspiration, I would search out Sandi2 and 25yearsmlc who both were at the edge and found their way back. For something more current and still evolving, I would check out Crimson's series of thread posts. He is divorced but there are signs that a reconciliation may be in his future. Nothing guaranteed, but there is hope and the signs are there.

Good luck to you, AZ!

[Breakdown]

I have no idea from a statistical sense, but I have friends that D'd and then remarried, and I know there are folks here that had that happen too.

If I were in your shoes, I think my mindset would be to live my life to the fullest, address all my own demons, become a man only a fool would leave, and keep the path home open.

Without knowing more of your history and your sitch, it's difficult to give specific advice, but a lot of times people's timelines are just different. You decided you didn't like where your M was, and it was enough for you to want to leave...you've gone thru a process and eventually decided you do want to be with W. She started the process months or even years after you did, so give her some time and space and see where life leads.

[Occy01]

If I were in your shoes, I think my mindset would be to live my life to the fullest,address all my own demons, become a man only a fool would leave, and keep the path home open.

Well put...

[Crimson]

Hang in there, friend. I am an AZ guy, too. If you haven't read Divorce Remedy - get on that. There is always hope - but there is always a lot of work to do on yourself, too....and a lot of patience required. Let me say that again....a lot of patience required. And I will say it a third time just to make sure it's clear... A LOT of patience required.

What were your XW's complaints?

Crimson

[25yearsmlc]

Hi everyone,

I've been reading up on the forums and benefitting from seeing how people deal with their R difficulties.

I'm recently D from my W of 16 years. Last spring I told her I was finished, and by the time I realized that is not what I really wanted she had decided to leave.

WHY did you leave her? How did she handle it, then?

Have you truly owned up to the damage that did to HER? How so?


She had no interest in discussing it further, and pleading from me, just lead to more distancing from her. She moved out in April. Spent the summer trying to give her space, and work on my own sense of well being. Went to IC. Approached her in the fall to discuss reconciling.

How have YOU CHANGED? I don't mean you now want something different, now, but how are you a better/different h than before?

How can she know you won't "feel differently" about the marriage again, and want out?


Still no interest. She filed for D in October, and it is now final. We have one S, 9, and split the parenting.

I still hold hope for reconciliation. I've begun DB phone calls, and they've helped me stay positive and not apply pressure to her, things I want to do, but have difficulty with.

Such as what? What are your 180s?

Do any in the forums know how common or rare it is for couples to get back together after getting this far? I find myself thinking I'm just delusional about any future chance between us. I guess I'm looking for success stories or at least some hint that post-divorce reconciliation is possible.

A third of divorces filed in California do not get finalized. Surely some of those reconciled.

I know 2 people who remarried their former spouses after divorces were final, but both did not remarry until at least a few years had passed.

Success stories do not make the "statistical news" the way divorces do, so there is an inherent bias in the statistics, so don't rely on any of those.

I really need to know why you left her, then changed your mind and how much of the damage you are willing to own and how much reassurances you have given her that you are a changed man who won't devastate her again.

Don't minimize the pain you caused her. You are here acting as if you are the LBSer, but you created this. Sure, NOW you are the left behind, but

I need to know why you created this storm in the first place, and whether you really "get it".

[Rick1963]

I think 20% get back together. I will have to look up the lit again, I can't remember right now. But u must be an awesome human to wanna get back with someone who hurt. I got ur back

[25yearsmlc]

Rick

I think you're using the iphone again b/c I can't tell what you mean.."he must be an awesome person to want to get back with someone who hurt"...?? I'm confused (but that's not rare)



or maybe I misread D's story. But didnt' HE tell his w HE wanted out of the marriage first? Along the way, Sometime later, HE decided it was "not what he wanted" after all...but she had been very hurt and moved on.

D, I think you have some work to do but yes, it IS worth it.

Any chance your w would go to Retrovaille with you? IF NOT NOW, then maybe later. And I doubt now is the time.

You forced her to imagine life without you and she did. She MIGHT need to be released now to her task and discovering what life with others is like...or just life without you.

What made you change your mind? Also, all women are moved by loving interactions between their children and the fathers of those children. Be the best dad you can be now, more than ever.

She needs to see that the changes you are making are real and lasting, NOT just tactics to get her back, so that she learns to trust the new you. I sure would.

SO focus on YOUR CHANGES and forget the statistics for now.

If you wanted to make these improvements anyhow, what is there that is "wearing you" down? What's so hard to do that you'd quit?