Living, Getting the Paperwork Started (20 months)

[adinva]

You're right. Back to reality.

I know I'm leaning pretty heavily on this board for way beyond marital support, but it's so helpful, and I guess you might say my marital issues make the rest of my normal issues just a little more complicated, so it's all wrapped up together.

So....today S12 was gone and S15 said he went out with dad. I thought (a) I would like to be at least informed when they go, if not sooner but (b) it's good that H feels like he can drop in and do stuff with at least one of his kids so I'm not going to say anything about it until I feel more strongly that it's creating a problem for me. H texts me later that they just got out of a movie and are going to get something to eat before coming home.

Later I'm out grocery shopping and I get a text message photo of a homemade bong and a couple other plastic things with water. Then followed several other texts about this stuff in rapid succession. I was drafting a reply with my thumbs that was going into how I think we should be talking on a regular basis so we can coparent and figure out the best way to get through to S15 but I decided to just stop trying to do this via text, so I wrote Msg Received, so he'd at least know I'm not completely ignoring him. Then I got a couple more messages about the mess and the spit bottles. I wrote that the house rule about the spit was not the same as his rule about it. This was because we have never talked about it, I have not forbidden S's friend from chewing here even though H thought it was forbidden because he didn't like it. He doesn't live here and he hasn't ever talked with me about this stuff and I have been telling the boys differently than what H wants to. Getting frustrated, getting upset, feeling very stressed, and ambushed too.

I get home and of course H is still there. I said I know we need to talk about these things but I also need some notice and not just have to feel prepared to talk it out at the moment H drops in unannounced. I was feeling upset and not particularly like I could have a good conversation right now. But here he was, and here's this issue, so I said, I'll give it 15 minutes but I have other things I need to do after that.

So we sat and talked. H is equally mad about the drugs AND the mess in the basement. He says they're a sign of disrespect. I said I differentiate greatly between the two, and I see the drugs as the problem we are concerned with, and the mess in the basement as not his problem because he doesn't live here and it's our house. I do not see mess equating with disrespect leading to drug use, but H absolutely and unequivocably does.

I want to talk to S15 and try to figure out how I can connect with him in a way that's meaningful to get him to choose for himself things that are not illegal, dangerous, and liable to close doors in his life. H says the ONLY way to do this is to come down hard with the voice of authority and demand respect, nothing but total respect, in keeping the house neat and all other ways. And if that doesn't work, boarding school.

I asked if we could maybe have this discussion with a referee so we could somehow get synergy with his beliefs and mine because we both want the best for our son. Right now, the way I see it, he sees only his way and I can agree or disagree but he doesn't agree with mine and we'll just have to pick one or the other. And he thinks my way is to do nothing, and just be S's best friend.

I said he was misrepresenting me greatly. I never said and never meant that I just want to do nothing and be his friend. But I do understand that coming in yelling will end his listening. I think he'll go elsewhere to rebel and hide it better from us. I care very much about this issue and am very concerned, and I don't like H acting like I said I didn't.

I thought that talking with a referee such as my IC would help us to get on the same page, which I think is very important. H got going with his presidential hand gestures and said he is quite sure that IC is only going to say what he is, and what everybody knows, which is there is only one way to handle this and it's the only right way and the only one that works. He started citing percentages and telling me anyone in law enforcement will tell me that they're 95% successful if we take away all of S15's privileges and give him no freedom until he respects the law better. I can see that there are elements of what H is saying that I agree with but he's so dang hard headed that I feel like rebelling against him too. I want us to be able to work together on this, and the only way that can happen is if I do exactly what he says. And I don't happen to think that is going to work with S15. H said he would not be opposed to going to IC with me so she can tell me he is right. I said I had an appointment Tuesday at 1 and he said no, I can't leave work for it, you go and report back to me what she says. I said that's not the point - it's that he and I should be able to talk and hear each other and meet somewhere in the middle or at least understand each other, and that is not happening, and for sure it's not happening via text messaging. I hit a wall with this.

I said I will talk to S15 today. H suggested we call all the parents of all the kids who come over frequently to tell them all that we found drug paraphernalia so they can choose not to let their kids come over. I don't think that is a good idea. We don't know all these people well. We are opening the possibility of getting in legal trouble ourselves as this stuff is in our house. All of these kids can be guaranteed to tell their parents that it wasn't theirs and they didn't know anything about it. And then what, S15 starts getting high at/during school instead because he hasn't learned any reason to make better choices. H said ok then drug-test him.

I brought up SIL's suggestion that her H could talk with S15 about the negative consequences he saw and experienced from getting in trouble with drugs and other things as a teenager. H wasn't impressed with the idea and the more we discussed it the more he didn't see it doing any good. For one, his brother did drugs well into adulthood, so no matter that he doesn't now, whatever he knows didn't exactly work for him. Second, BIL doesn't have lots of experience turning kids around like some law enforcement professional would, so anything he says would just be anecdotal. He didn't say no, but he sounded exactly as in favor of BIL talking to S15 as he was of ME talking to S15. Not going to work, basically.

I'm upset with S15 because I'm letting him be with his friends, and feeding and housing them, and he is doing this stuff right under my nose. And then making up stories. He said it was someone else's and they all told that guy he couldn't use it here, and so they didn't, but he had to leave it here. Baloney. I need to find a way to get closer to H on this issue and find a way to get through to S15 before this gets worse.

And H is gone and it's mine to deal with now. All the help I get from H is what he thinks I should do, and I don't like it.