I think your wife's comment highlights that she is only thinking of herself; she's being selfish. Instead of emphathizing with you, she is putting your father's death in the context of how she feels.
I didn't read all of your story. Is your wife in MLC?
Yeah Bond, that too. But it will be better for Intact if he can see that comment in a different light. Here's what I wrote way before lunch and forgot to submit:
((((((Intact)))))
So sorry about your dad. Last words have a way of seeming epic. But remember, never giving up on your family can mean a lot of different things. You cannot control your W, there is nothing at all that you can do to make her feel or think or act the way you want. If she leaves she leaves, and your family is your son and you, and the people you surround yourself who are healthy for you and there for you. DBing is a great way to live out "never giving up" because it provides a roadmap for being a whole person prepared to reconcile if the chance comes, and keeping the road home paved and smooth, and focusing your efforts on only the things that are within your control. Never give up, on what you have control over.
What your W said to you is pure spew, meaningless. Let it go right out the other ear. Imagine a place where she could possibly have gotten to to say something like that to a grieving son? How sad for her. The best and most compassionate and loving thing you can do - FOR YOU as well as for her and for your family - is wipe it from your memory with the realization that sometimes people just say some unimaginably wrong things. Let it go.
Your W may or may not feel conflicted, emotionally frozen, searching for justification, trying to convince herself and you that you don't belong together. Who knows what's in her head.
Empathy isn't something that strikes you like lightning, it's something you do, you practice. The fact that she chose not to, today, get outside herself and have compassion for what you're going through, does not need to have any lasting import or meaning for you if you choose to ignore it.
It doesn't make it ok, what she said. However, it doesn't help you in any way, holding onto it or giving it any credence. She's in a sad place right now, and I hope she finds her way out of it.
Take care of yourself. Think some happy thoughts about your dad, and what kind of a dad he is and what kind of a dad you are.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I'll say it since no one else wants to. WHAT A B@TCH!
Yeah, for REAL!! I haven't been around here long enough to feel comfortable saying that without someone else first doing it.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
"I know I've made the right decision because your dad is dying and it's not made me want to come back and it's not made me care about you"
This has got to be the epitome of cold, cruel and heartless behavior. One has to wonder if she would say the same to a friend, neighbor or coworker who had a relative passing away, I suspect not. I can't imagine the motivation for this other than to hurt you in the deepest way she can think of. I'm sorry you had to suffer this on top of losing your father. I hope your W learns to regret those words and apologizes to you some day, if not then I would be very concerned about her character.
I am so sorry for your loss. How is your son doing with the loss of his Granfather?
With regards to the cruel comment you wife made, they may have been meant to keep from giving you "false hope" (never haver eally understood that one). Still she was in full witch mode for sure.
The only morsel I have to offer is that for me, emotion is better than indifference.
We told our son together and my W was crying and holding my hand - as I left she hugged me. She has been cold and distant ever since. Not even one text message to ask how I am...
My Son was very upset but he seems to be handling it all very well.
W 39 Me 33 M 9yrs 8 year old Son ILYBINILWY - Dec 12 W moved out - Jan 2013 OM - Jan 2013 I file for D - May 2013
Been a tough few days as I have been making preparations for my dads funeral which is on Friday.
When I have seen my Wife she has been soft and nice - asking how I am etc - when she is not with me the texts and emails etc i get are cold and distant.
It's like Jekyll and Hyde.
She is going to the funeral - although not with me - you'd think at times like this she would offer me a little support but she really hasn't.
W 39 Me 33 M 9yrs 8 year old Son ILYBINILWY - Dec 12 W moved out - Jan 2013 OM - Jan 2013 I file for D - May 2013
"Emails can't be mean (angry, loving, sad, cold, distant) They are only a bunch of zeros and ones sent over a wire. They aren't even written by hand for chrisakes.
Its what we tell ourselves that creates the emotion"
I guess its just a reminder not to try and look for too much in an email or text
Been a tough few days as I have been making preparations for my dads funeral which is on Friday.
When I have seen my Wife she has been soft and nice - asking how I am etc - when she is not with me the texts and emails etc i get are cold and distant.
It's like Jekyll and Hyde.
She is going to the funeral - although not with me - you'd think at times like this she would offer me a little support but she really hasn't.
Sorry to hear about the death of your father. I hope you are able to find peace after processing the pain.
It has to be extremely difficult to understand how your W can be seemingly caring one minute and go completely cold the next. It is as they say, mostly script. The WAS has to continue to convince themselves that their decisions are the right decisions even if from the outside, they seem completely irrational and ill conceived.
Regarding the hurtful comments your W made, again this is really more of an attempt to create such distaste that no one in their right mind would consider sticking around. It is what she feels she needs to do in order to follow through on her plan. She may one day grow to regret her choice but you shouldn't be trying to goose that along. If she comes around, it will happen when/if she is ready and not before.
As you have likely been advised and read among these pages, you need to look after yourself. Prepare for the reality of a permanent break up of your family. Doing so with help you move forward and detach in a way that will help you survive this tragedy.
Finally, think about how your W would react if you were to stop being affected by her spew. How might she react if you were to totally and completely detach? If you can do this though, you can't do so with the thought of getting her to come around. It has to be so that you can survive and thrive on your own. Afterall, isn't your reality today anyway?
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
