My wife (40) and I (42) have been together almost 20 years and we have 3 children (12, 10 and 7).
After spending 17 years in my home country we decided to up the family and move to her home country confident that the bond and love for each other would survive whatever would be thrown at us (including my inability to speak my wife's native language). We didn't take this decision lightly. It took us 2-3 years to pluck up the courage to do it.
My wife was always a gregarious person although she was a little shy and with a desire to stay out of the spotlight. I was a similar person but more of a loner.
So, we move to my wife's country and for the first year everything is fine. In the 2nd year I start having problems. My inability to find solid work, my wife's gregariousness and, despite my efforts, the language barrier lead me to start behaving in a jealous and bitter way. On a number of occasions I embarrassed her in front of her friends. Although I didn't know at the time I suppose I was using a form of "stockholm syndrom" on her. I was so afraid of losing her I was constantly mean. I just took her love for granted.
After a year of this things had come to a head and I went back to my homeland, alone, in order to sort myself out. The month I was there did the trick. I came back "cured". My near nervous breakdown had been averted in the nick of time.
However, I was becoming more and more nervous as the month wore on as my wife became more and more distant. This distance culminated with my wife writing to me, the day before I was due to return to her and the children, to say that she didn't love me, had started an affair within a week of my leaving and that she didn't want to be with my anymore. Naturally, I was devastated but my new found optimism and the love I have for my wife and children meant that I wasn't going to give up on my marriage that easily so I went back the next day as planned.
That was 6 months ago and the time since then has been a living hell for me.
My wife, who is 40, has taken to wearing very suggestive clothes, flirts constantly with other men, is still involved in her PA and appears to be in an EA with another or perhaps the same man. She goes to the pub 2 or 3 times a week and sometimes stays out until 6 o'clock in the morning (when she wouldn't go out to the pub at all before). On New Year's Day she was out until 8. When she's not in the pub at night she lies on the couch listening to music with complete disinterest in the children (and, of course, myself). She has become cold and distant to all of us and only perks up when it's time to go out alone.
As I write this I believe I am trying to convince myself that she is in a MLC when it appears that I have, with my very bad behaviour, pushed her love away.
The last 6 months have been dreadful. I have tried to reason with her but to no avail. She wants a trial separation but she never mentions it unless I bring up our relationship. I haven't, as yet, got DB (waiting on the post) so I don't know if what I'm doing is right (is it truly possible to know). I have been doing the 180 for a few days and my mood has improved immeasurably. My day only comes alive when the children are home.
I must admit that the timelines aren't complete. My mind is so addled that I cannot remember when things started to happen (in terms of her possible MLC). All I know is when my mother came over she was shocked at the change in my wife and her attitude towards her.
If anyone can give me any insight I'd be most grateful even if it is only to tell me that I deserved what I've got. Thanks.
Me: 42 W: 40 M: 18 T: 20 D13 D10 S7 BD: 8/2012 Still living together
So, she got a call at 10.30pm. By 11pm she was out to go "down the pub"!! She said that she wouldn't be long; only 1 drink.
Eventually, at 6.30am she strolls in. I asked if she was were she said she was and she said that she'd show me the phone details (the first time!!). She showed them so fleetingly I couldn't quite make out what the name was and so made the exercise pointless (and increased my suspicion)
The next day was was a country ball/dance so I knew that she would be out late (especially as she was one of the organizers). She left at 7.30 and eventually got back at 4am.
7 hours later she was out again down the pub to discuss the previous nights events. She said she wouldn't be long. Only 1 non-alcoholic drink. 4 hours later she arrived back home. I know I shouldn't have done but I tore in to her.
Today we had a reasonably frank discussion. (A rarity. I think that I'm the only person in this damned village she doesn't talk to!) She is so all over the place. She concedes that trying to mend the marriage is the obvious and sensible thing to do but doesn't think that it would work out so would rather a separation.
It's so confusing and irritating. I struggle to keep my temper subdued as I'm always stressed, invariably tired (I just can't sleep when she goes out. I'm so worried all the time) and unhappy. I know that it doesn't help but I did get a positive reaction from her yesterday. She actually responded in a way fitting with her actions towards the children. (ie hardly ever being there for them)
Another thing that I forgot to mention is that neither of us have "proper" jobs. My wife had one she loved but when her contract ran out after 2 years last Summer they didn't renew it and I've struggled to find enough clients to earn a reasonable wage.
I've made so many mistakes and continue to make them and I'm probably hoping/expecting too much from DB but if it (and other books) gives me hope (even if it's only to move on) then it'll be worthwhile.
Any advice would be most appreciated. (Still waiting for DB. Should've been here almost 2 weeks ago!!)
Me: 42 W: 40 M: 18 T: 20 D13 D10 S7 BD: 8/2012 Still living together
Read Sandi's DB 180 tips (sticky at top of forum) for some pointers while you're waiting for DB to arrive. Don't try to beg/ plead/ reason/ implore/ negotiate. It's all just perceived by the WAS as pressure and it pushes them farther away.
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She wants a trial separation but she never mentions it unless I bring up our relationship
Do not EVER bring up relationship talks for the same reason, it's pressure! You need to detach and give her time and space to think things through. It takes a LOT of time, so be patient. We're talking months.
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I have been doing the 180 for a few days and my mood has improved immeasurably. My day only comes alive when the children are home.
Good, that's what detaching, getting a life and 180's do for you, they separate you from the emotional turmoil of your sitch.
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Eventually, at 6.30am she strolls in. I asked if she was were she said she was and she said that she'd show me the phone details (the first time!!).
Again this is covered in DR and the 180 tips, but don't ever ask where she's been. That too is pressure. Be in bed asleep when she comes dragging in and show zero interest in knowing what she was doing.
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She is so all over the place. She concedes that trying to mend the marriage is the obvious and sensible thing to do but doesn't think that it would work out so would rather a separation.
When she says things like this you need to validate her feelings. Tell her you understand why she feels that way, that you would like to work on the M but if she feels that leaving will make her happy then you support her decision. I did exactly this with my W, it was very tough for me to say, but it put her at ease.
Hang in there, once you get DB and start working on things it'll get easier for you to focus on yourself and get off your W's roller coaster!
My wife, who is 40, has taken to wearing very suggestive clothes, flirts constantly with other men, is still involved in her PA and appears to be in an EA with another or perhaps the same man. She goes to the pub 2 or 3 times a week and sometimes stays out until 6 o'clock in the morning (when she wouldn't go out to the pub at all before). On New Year's Day she was out until 8. When she's not in the pub at night she lies on the couch listening to music with complete disinterest in the children (and, of course, myself).
DBing aside, have you talked to an attorney in your jurisdiction, to better understand what your rights and responsibilities are here? I'm concerned about your children, as it's not emotionally healthy for them to be in this environment (what happens if one of them wakes up at 3 in the morning and wants their mother?)
If your wife wants to carry on like a single woman, my advice would be to give her what she thinks she wants. But it wouldn't be in my house, with my kids.
Thanks AS for your words. I feel so incredibly alone and just "hearing" your words makes me feel just a little less isolated and a tad bit stronger.
Starsky309. I must admit that I haven't spoken to an attorney. Not speaking the language and living in the middle of nowhere makes the whole process both tricky and costly.
Thankfully our problems have become "big" all of a sudden. It's only in the last 6 months or so that things have started go wrong and the kids are, thankfully, well adjusted. They seem to accept the situation very well. (And none of them have woken up at any time asking for their mother. I've always been a very hands on father and have, for the most part, been a househusband to the children).
I don't know how to kick her out. She seems to be in a EA with a guy in the village and I tell her to go to him on virtually a daily basis but she says that she wouldn't want to live with him (he lives with his parents) and how do I force her to do it?
Sometimes I think that this living hell will never end.
Still haven't got DB. I just hope that when it comes it'll give me clarity.
I've failed, dismally, with the 180. I sometimes think that I'm just too passionate. I felt so at ease for a few days when I was doing it and yet, for some reason, I have struggled to keep to it. (Perhaps because I don't have a solid support system?)
Me: 42 W: 40 M: 18 T: 20 D13 D10 S7 BD: 8/2012 Still living together
Another peculiar thing that I really don't understand (and find incredibly annoying) is that when she is around the children and I she is completely lifeless for the most part (except when she's planning on going out, on facebook or texting) but when she sees other people she is completely over the top. She doesn't stop talking and, worst of all, she doesn't stop laughing. She laughs at everything! I just find it so strange and irritating.
I just wish that this alien I'm living with diseappears soon and my wife comes back.
Me: 42 W: 40 M: 18 T: 20 D13 D10 S7 BD: 8/2012 Still living together
Still waiting for DB to arrive. I was told 3 or 4 days back that it's normal to take this long. Seems strange to me in this day and age but sobeit.
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It's quite an interesting read and I'm planning on implementing some of the suggestions. However, can it be done in unison with DB or should I stick with one or perhaps mix the two?
I'm grateful that the children will be home for the next 2 weeks. It'll give me something tangible to concentrate on (although, unfortunately, my youngest is sick and my eldest seems to be going down with something to!)
Last edited by dbmod; 03/26/1302:14 AM. Reason: Reference not recommended nor allowed
Me: 42 W: 40 M: 18 T: 20 D13 D10 S7 BD: 8/2012 Still living together
I don't know how to kick her out. She seems to be in a EA with a guy in the village and I tell her to go to him on virtually a daily basis but she says that she wouldn't want to live with him (he lives with his parents) and how do I force her to do it?
Not sure of the laws in whatever country you live now, but you probably cannot force her to move out. If it comes down to things not changing and you feel you've got to stop the sitch, if it were me I would be inclined to move back to my home country with the kids and leave her in her home country. Not sure what legal issues would be involved with that either, so you might consider consulting with a lawyer.
[quote]Sometimes I think that this living hell will never end.
It probably won't unless you do something about it. Sounds like she's content with her cake-eating.
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I've failed, dismally, with the 180. I sometimes think that I'm just too passionate. I felt so at ease for a few days when I was doing it and yet, for some reason, I have struggled to keep to it. (Perhaps because I don't have a solid support system?)
You'll learn more about this when you get the book, but it's not "the" 180. There should be multiple 180's. You should do 180's on every fault you had in the marriage.
