I definitely still hold some resentment. I think that is a big reason that I don't want to be around much. Also the fact that I still love her and can't stand being around her and not being able to touch her.
I felt, exactly the same way prior to our Separation. Actually, the resentment has never really gone away. What does help me with dealing with it is to REALLY consider what W is going through. Your W is really struggling with her decisions! She is feeling so torn, so confused, so scared. She is not herself, in the same degree that you are not yourself. If you really focus on this, it will allow you to be more empathetic of your W. She is hurting. She is struggling with her thoughts. This isn't easy for her. Don't be resentful of her for this. Be understanding.....I know, easier said than done. It helps me. Maybe this perspective will help you too, Grizz.
Originally Posted By: Grizz
On a different topic, I have read so many threads about being friends with the WAS. Is this truly possible? At this point in my sitch I cannot see being "friends" with my W if we were to D. Maybe those feelings would change with time but right now, this is not how friends are made.
I am in this transition right now. My Phone coach suggested it months ago, and I am still struggling with getting the ball rolling. I have a really hard time envisioning it, much in the same way I am sure you do. How can I be friends with this woman, who is tearing apart my whole world, ruining EVERYTHING, making all of these horrible decisions, hurting me so deeply? Well, You can look at it two ways.
1) you will HAVE TO BE friends for any real relationship to be possible. If you want to reconcile, you can't do it with your arch nemesis, plain and simple. You and your spouse cannot be Husband and Wife if you aren't friends as well. Also, in the very long haul, if ultimately you are to D, being friendly is going to make your co-parenting much better. It will be soooo much better for your children if their parents can be friendly towards each other. I don't care how you look at this, it will help whatever your situation becomes. Furthermore, it would likely help you in the case of going through a divorce. "friends" are not going to goudge each other as much as enemies would. Friends are not going to fight for custody as a battle tool. They are not going to try to nickle and dime every last cent possible I am not saying this won't happen, but it is less likely if two people are actually friendly towards each other during the process. It is pretty basic logic, but it pretty obvious as well. Brace yourself for option (2)
2) So, you cannot be friends. You can hate each other. You can gurantee that you will not have a functional relationship of any kind. You can make your D much harder on yourselves and your children. You can make co-parenting turn into a tug of war based on anger and resentment, turning everyones lives into a living battle. It happens ALLLLL the time when marriage ends. It doesn't have to. If you can avoid this, it will make every single person involved live a happier life.
NOW, this is the part I am struggling with. Can we be "friends" with our spouses after divorce? Probably not....but being "friendly" is a real option. Look at it this way. You may not be spending Christmas together anymore, but you can say "hey Merry Christmas" and actually mean it. Make sense? give it some real thought. Weigh the pros and the cons. It is a lot easier to figure out than you think.
