Living, Getting the Paperwork Started (20 months)

[adinva]

Oooh I dream of getting so much attention as a double grunt!

Congrats on being sober 10 years. Wow!

What did you mean your friends you partied with were just partying?

I try not to be too panicky about my son trying things, but the environment has changed a lot since we were kids. Parents have been sent to jail for serving alcohol at high school parties. Kids get kicked off their sports teams for getting caught once. I even worry a little that hanging with kids who aren't ambitious will make it that much harder for S15 to work up to his potential, maybe closing some doors as it limits his college possibilities. Then I worry that he gets in an accident because of drinking or drugs, or overdoses, or gets hooked. I got so completely hooked on smoking that it was very difficult when I wanted to quit (at the time I thought completing SmokeEnders was the hardest thing I had done in my entire life, which now I kind of laugh about but I do still fear addiction). I worry that without two parents home to care about and watch for him he'll take some chances I can't catch him at. I worry about his friends bringing stuff into my house. I worry about the police showing up. I worry about being declared an unfit mother because I can't always get him to go to school on time and could be perceived as not having much control over him. I worry about H sending him to boarding school.

He's my first teen. I'm sure I'll have this all figured out in two years when S12 gets there. I just wish things were different, I wish S15 weren't angry, I wish his dad was nicer to him, I wish we had the nice family I had always wanted, I wish....

[Tallula]

I just meant that not all kids who experiment with drugs & alcohol end up with problems. But it doesn't hurt to know what to look for. Addiction is in my family, and my parents made sure I knew about it. I believe without a doubt, they are a huge reason I got sober young.

[adinva]

True T but you don't know from this side whether your kid will be one of the lucky or unlucky ones. I have alcoholism in my family and that became a meaningful thing that influenced my behavior but not until about my late twenties.

Back to H. I'm feeling more frequently he pops into my thoughts and infeel sad for him. I wonder about inviting him over bc i think of him alone, possibly, and maybe being lonely. Sil said he sounds lonely. I am completely out of tactics now, just trying to live this thing out. I don't see how he'll ever get to a place where i'd want to be married to him, but i'm not closed off to the possibility. It's just not on my radar for the forseeable future.

I don't consider h a friend to me. I look for emotional connection from those i count friends. But he's a person i care about and i feel sad for him atm.

I am just musing on this bc i'm kind of surprised by these thoughts about him when my own life is already plenty overwhelming to me.

[Accuray]

I think he knows the way home if he decides that's what he wants. He has chosen his path. I don't think you need to make overtures. I think you can relieve pressure for him by being okay on your own, which is in effect what you are doing.

Accuray

[BFloat]

adinva,

it's been a long while since i've posted and yours was the first i read.

it never ceases to amaze me how very similar our paths seem to be.

that whole thing about worrying.. and feeling sad for H.. i get that. i know what you mean when you say he's not a friend but at the same time.. it's not this relationship where you just don't want to have anything to do with them because there is so much anger and resentment. i don't know..

the only thing i do know is that it's been pretty incredibly to see you through this journey. different from mine.. yet the same..

BF

[adinva]

You're right. Back to reality.

I know I'm leaning pretty heavily on this board for way beyond marital support, but it's so helpful, and I guess you might say my marital issues make the rest of my normal issues just a little more complicated, so it's all wrapped up together.

So....today S12 was gone and S15 said he went out with dad. I thought (a) I would like to be at least informed when they go, if not sooner but (b) it's good that H feels like he can drop in and do stuff with at least one of his kids so I'm not going to say anything about it until I feel more strongly that it's creating a problem for me. H texts me later that they just got out of a movie and are going to get something to eat before coming home.

Later I'm out grocery shopping and I get a text message photo of a homemade bong and a couple other plastic things with water. Then followed several other texts about this stuff in rapid succession. I was drafting a reply with my thumbs that was going into how I think we should be talking on a regular basis so we can coparent and figure out the best way to get through to S15 but I decided to just stop trying to do this via text, so I wrote Msg Received, so he'd at least know I'm not completely ignoring him. Then I got a couple more messages about the mess and the spit bottles. I wrote that the house rule about the spit was not the same as his rule about it. This was because we have never talked about it, I have not forbidden S's friend from chewing here even though H thought it was forbidden because he didn't like it. He doesn't live here and he hasn't ever talked with me about this stuff and I have been telling the boys differently than what H wants to. Getting frustrated, getting upset, feeling very stressed, and ambushed too.

I get home and of course H is still there. I said I know we need to talk about these things but I also need some notice and not just have to feel prepared to talk it out at the moment H drops in unannounced. I was feeling upset and not particularly like I could have a good conversation right now. But here he was, and here's this issue, so I said, I'll give it 15 minutes but I have other things I need to do after that.

So we sat and talked. H is equally mad about the drugs AND the mess in the basement. He says they're a sign of disrespect. I said I differentiate greatly between the two, and I see the drugs as the problem we are concerned with, and the mess in the basement as not his problem because he doesn't live here and it's our house. I do not see mess equating with disrespect leading to drug use, but H absolutely and unequivocably does.

I want to talk to S15 and try to figure out how I can connect with him in a way that's meaningful to get him to choose for himself things that are not illegal, dangerous, and liable to close doors in his life. H says the ONLY way to do this is to come down hard with the voice of authority and demand respect, nothing but total respect, in keeping the house neat and all other ways. And if that doesn't work, boarding school.

I asked if we could maybe have this discussion with a referee so we could somehow get synergy with his beliefs and mine because we both want the best for our son. Right now, the way I see it, he sees only his way and I can agree or disagree but he doesn't agree with mine and we'll just have to pick one or the other. And he thinks my way is to do nothing, and just be S's best friend.

I said he was misrepresenting me greatly. I never said and never meant that I just want to do nothing and be his friend. But I do understand that coming in yelling will end his listening. I think he'll go elsewhere to rebel and hide it better from us. I care very much about this issue and am very concerned, and I don't like H acting like I said I didn't.

I thought that talking with a referee such as my IC would help us to get on the same page, which I think is very important. H got going with his presidential hand gestures and said he is quite sure that IC is only going to say what he is, and what everybody knows, which is there is only one way to handle this and it's the only right way and the only one that works. He started citing percentages and telling me anyone in law enforcement will tell me that they're 95% successful if we take away all of S15's privileges and give him no freedom until he respects the law better. I can see that there are elements of what H is saying that I agree with but he's so dang hard headed that I feel like rebelling against him too. I want us to be able to work together on this, and the only way that can happen is if I do exactly what he says. And I don't happen to think that is going to work with S15. H said he would not be opposed to going to IC with me so she can tell me he is right. I said I had an appointment Tuesday at 1 and he said no, I can't leave work for it, you go and report back to me what she says. I said that's not the point - it's that he and I should be able to talk and hear each other and meet somewhere in the middle or at least understand each other, and that is not happening, and for sure it's not happening via text messaging. I hit a wall with this.

I said I will talk to S15 today. H suggested we call all the parents of all the kids who come over frequently to tell them all that we found drug paraphernalia so they can choose not to let their kids come over. I don't think that is a good idea. We don't know all these people well. We are opening the possibility of getting in legal trouble ourselves as this stuff is in our house. All of these kids can be guaranteed to tell their parents that it wasn't theirs and they didn't know anything about it. And then what, S15 starts getting high at/during school instead because he hasn't learned any reason to make better choices. H said ok then drug-test him.

I brought up SIL's suggestion that her H could talk with S15 about the negative consequences he saw and experienced from getting in trouble with drugs and other things as a teenager. H wasn't impressed with the idea and the more we discussed it the more he didn't see it doing any good. For one, his brother did drugs well into adulthood, so no matter that he doesn't now, whatever he knows didn't exactly work for him. Second, BIL doesn't have lots of experience turning kids around like some law enforcement professional would, so anything he says would just be anecdotal. He didn't say no, but he sounded exactly as in favor of BIL talking to S15 as he was of ME talking to S15. Not going to work, basically.

I'm upset with S15 because I'm letting him be with his friends, and feeding and housing them, and he is doing this stuff right under my nose. And then making up stories. He said it was someone else's and they all told that guy he couldn't use it here, and so they didn't, but he had to leave it here. Baloney. I need to find a way to get closer to H on this issue and find a way to get through to S15 before this gets worse.

And H is gone and it's mine to deal with now. All the help I get from H is what he thinks I should do, and I don't like it.

[adinva]

I didn't see you there, barely! Thanks for posting. I'm so glad when I see you out there and hope you're doing well. We do seem to experience a lot of the same feelings with our Hs, don't we?

[adinva]

Feeling pretty anxious. Just sat down with S15. I asked him if he knew the penalties if the stuff on the kitchen counter was found.

He said he did not. I asked if they didn't teach him that in D.A.R.E., but he said no. So I read from the state law, up to 6 months in jail, up to $500 fine, for a first offense. Plus suspended license min 6 months.

I asked if he knew what happened for a single drug offense if you don't have your license yet. He could not guess. The DMV says you don't get your license at least until age 18. So, he'd be getting rides from mom and having to explain why he doesn't have a license yet, for a first offense.

I asked if he knew what would happen to his making the lacrosse team if this stuff on the counter was found. He said yeah. He said he does want to play lacrosse.

I asked if he likes how the stuff makes him feel? He said I guess so. I said there are lots of people who don't like it, it makes them feel sleepy or stupid, and he could just tell his friends he just doesn't like how it makes him feel. He could tell them his parents threatened to drug-test him. He knows he'll be in situations where he's with other people doing drugs, and he can have some ideas of things to say.

I read from a lawyer's website that if you're in a car and there's pot in the car, everyone in the car can get charged with possession. I pointed out that when he hangs out in his friends' car at the basketball game or the McD's parking lot, that is what people assume he's doing, and the police do go checking cars that people are hanging out in. I wanted him to know the risks he's taking.

I told him the penalty for lying to a police officer is up to 12 months, plus the drug charges. These are things I looked up because I didn't know the answers and I wondered if he knew the answers or would be surprised by them.

Then I told him that his dad and I had different experiences that affect how we see this issue. For his dad, as he knows, there is no respect for drug use and no understanding of why anyone would do it, and he will take extreme measures if necessary. From taking away privileges to drug testing to possible military school. He needs to understand that it's not just my decision.

I also explained to him how dumb his story was, as I could see in the fridge exactly where the bottle came from that he used to make the bong that supposedly a friend brought over. I told him that I respected him and would like to trust him, and I know we've talked before about him wanting me to believe and trust what he says. So I told him, that story was almost an insult, and I'm going to assume he's lying about this stuff, and that his friends are, and I'm not planning to put him in a position to "force" him to lie, just don't do it anymore.

I asked him what he's going to do differently starting now, and he said he'll tell his friends they can't smoke in our house anymore. That's a start. I added that there won't be any more lighters, candles, "Axe wars", "Febreze wars" and other of the common cover-ups they've been doing down there.

I don't think we're done yet, and I meant to do more listening, and I hope I haven't damaged our coparenting H and I by trying to talk to S first. I may need to get tougher but I didn't want to come out of the gate with my heaviest artillery. I'm hoping that I opened S15's eyes just a little.

[Tallula]

Oh man! I do not look forward to this stuff! I really feel for you.

I think your talk was great! Being honest about it in a calm matter was right on point. I do think there is a way you & H can meet in the middle. Bottom line is its illegal & you could get in trouble since its in your house. I would definately have consequences if it is found again and I do agree with your H that the other parents should be contacted. But, you could meet in the middle by telling S15 that us what will happen if drugs are found in the house again. As an ex pot smoker, I will personally have a similar talk with my children & have zero tolerance for anything illegal in my home or vehicles.

I could only imagine how frustrating it must be to have H spout off his opinions...but never address them himself. Hopefully he goes to IC with you, because a united front on these issues especially will be important.

You did great, Ad!

[adinva]

Thanks! I really feel strongly about speaking to kids as people, on an age-appropriate level. I have never considered my kids possessions of mine or extensions of me. My H and I have really differed on that from the very beginning. I wish that my parents had been more real with me when I was younger, and I rebelled in my mind and by mouthing off, and with certain behaviors, and just feel fortunate I survived and thrived. When I completed separating my identity from theirs I felt like I had been completely responsible for who I turned out to be. Much later I've rethought that. But I wanted my kids to have a voice, and to think their own thoughts, and to come to their own conclusions. My dad was a kind of "If I want to know your opinion I'll give it to you" kind of dad, in my memory.

Many of the disappointments of my marriage came from my inability to reconcile my H as he developed into a dad, with the dad I thought he'd be. There were so many times I bit my tongue because I resented or didn't respect how he was being. I thought if we just talked enough he'd see my point. But child rearing differences was one of the things he cited as reasons for wanting to be done with me. He didn't like the way I had raised the kids, quote, as relayed by my MIL. Ouch.

I think it's harder being a single parent with the other parent in the picture. At least there have been several times since he moved out that I wished he were farther away from us. I am starting to see coparenting like marriage counseling...you can learn to do it well, IF you both are committed to it.

My friend who's a psychologist, who I really thought would say I'm way too lenient and H is right, said he's being crazy extreme and the kid is not going to listen to him. She said I did OK. I do need to punish him still though. I had planned to let him know there won't be any sleepovers (the horror! the horror!) until I have reason to trust that he's not going there and getting stoned. I think I'll also be telling him the NEXT time I see any evidence, even a cologne fight, I WILL be calling the parents of the kids who are there at the time, and he'll look like the loser who ratted everyone out.